(cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause continue)
SO NICE. SO NICE.
VERY NICE. OH, YOU GUYS.
YOU GUYS IN LOVE?
YOU GUYS-- EVERYBODY'S IN LOVE
WALKING AROUND TOWN IN 2-HEADED SNUGGIES.
THAT'S COOL. THAT'S COOL.
YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY WHO LOVES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.
I AM A-- NOT THE HEALTHIEST EATER.
SOMETIMES FOR BREAKFAST, I LIKE TO HAVE A MUG,
CHOC-CHIP ICE CREAM, CHOC CHIPS UP TOP.
SWEET POWER SURGE, GET THE LITTLE LADY STARTED!
(laughter)
MY BOYFRIEND SAID, "HEY,
"WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHING HEALTHIER,
"LIKE A PIECE OF WHOLE-WHEAT TOAST
"WITH A BANANA SPREAD ON IT?
'CAUSE THAT'S GOOD."
(laughter)
"YEAH, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT 'CAUSE I'M NOT A LIAR.
"YEAH, THAT IS NOT GOOD.
"THAT IS NOT DELICIOUS...
AT ALL."
YOU KNOW? YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW? CAN'T CHANGE ME.
I'M A GYPSY, YOU KNOW? YEAH.
I'M A SEA COW. YEAH.
I KNOW THE MOTORBOATS ARE GONNA HIT ME,
BUT THIS IS WHERE I... SWIM!
(laughter)
SO SERIOUS. SO SERIOUS.
SO I THINK ABOUT HAVING KIDS. GOT THE NAMES PICKED OUT.
THEY'RE GONNA BE DOUGHNUT AND THE GOLDEN HEN.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING--
"HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA BE GIRLS?"
(laughter)
BUT A MOTHER KNOWS.
UH...
SOMETIMES COMEDY, I'M USUALLY BY MYSELF,
SO I MISS THE CAMARADERIE.
I USED TO WORK AS A SECRETARY. I MISS OFFICE LIFE.
WHERE YOU WANNA GO FOR LUNCH? WHAT DO YOU WANNA GET FOR LUNCH?
WHERE YOU WANNA GO FOR LUNCH?
I FEEL--I FEEL LIKE A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.
UH-HUH...
OR LIKE A SALAD.
OH...
YOU KNOW, JUST SOMEPLACE WHERE I COULD GET A DIET COKE.
(shuddering breath)
WE COULD GO TO QUIZNOS!
(laughter)
YES, WE COULD. DIET PEPSI, BUT YES, WE COULD.
(laughter)
OH...
I LOVE THE DRAMA OF THE OFFICE.
DON'T TOUCH DONNA'S LABEL MAKER.
OKAY.
DON'T.
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.
WHY?
BECAUSE SHE BOUGHT IT WITH HER OWN MONEY.
'NUFF SAID, SISTER.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL DONNA TO KEEP HER MITTS
OFF MY FREAKING TAPE DISPENSER.
SHE KNOWS IT'S MINE 'CAUSE IT'S CLEARLY LABELED WITH MY N--
OH.
(laughter)
WHO STOLE MY KEY-LIME PIE YOPLAIT?
DID YOU EAT MY SOUTHWESTERN STYLE LEAN CUISINE?
(laughter)
DID YOU EAT MY HALF CHOCOLATE RABBIT?
I'VE BEEN GNAWING ON IT FOR FIVE YEARS.
IT'S BASICALLY ONLY HALF A HEAD WITH AN EAR
AND A BABY-BLUE RIBBON WRAPPED AROUND IT.
(laughter)
Yes.
(laughter)
OHH!
(deep voice) IT TOOK YOU TOO LONG.
I HAD TO SCRABBLE IT UP IN MY CHOPS.
(normal voice) OH, MY FAMILY LOVES ME.
AND WE'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS NEW GAME WITH MY FAMILY.
IT'S CALLED JOY WHACK-A-MOLE.
WHAT HAPPENS-- SOMEBODY BRINGS UP SOMETHING
THAT THEY'RE HAPPY ABOUT, THE OTHER PERSON SLAMS IT DOWN.
(laughter and applause)
BEFORE...
THEY CAN EVER FEEL...
TOO GOOD...
ABOUT... THEIR LIVES.
TALKED TO MY SISTER. SARA, I MET SOMEONE.
I THINK-- I THINK THIS IS THE ONE.
MM! THAT'S GREAT.
SO YOU PROJECTED A FANTASY ON SOME BISEXUAL STRANGER
YOU MET ON petfinder.uk?
(laughter)
I'M JUST SAYING, YOU LIKE 'EM GAY AND OUT OF TOWN.
TWO FOR THREE-- GAY AND OUT OF TOWN.
WHAT'S HIS NAME, RUPERT? HE SOUNDS GREAT.
(laughter)
MY MOM'S THE BEST AT IT, THOUGH.
MOM, AMY HAD HER BABY.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE GREATEST NEWS
FOR THE 600,000 KIDS IN FOSTER CARE IN THIS COUNTRY,
BUT IF SHE WANTS A FRESH ONE, OH...
(laughter)
EVERYBODY WANTS ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THEM.
IT'S SO SELFISH. SO SELFISH.
MOM, I'M DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.
OH, SWEETIE, I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU.
A FRIEND OF MINE-- COINCIDENTALLY,
SHE WAS ACTUALLY IN FOSTER CARE.
SHE IS SO FUNNY.
SHE WAS AIRLIFTED OUT OF THE SUDAN IN THE LATE '90s
'CAUSE SHE HAD BEEN BE-ARMED AND BE-LEGGED BY THE JANJAWEED,
THE HORSEBACK MILITIA.
SHE'S JUST A HOOT. SHE'D LOVE TO DO STAND-UP.
BUT SHE CAN'T-- (groans)
(laughter)
YOU KNOW, SO SHE'S FUNNY AS HECK.
SHE'S IN A HOSPICE SITUATION.
IT'S REALLY JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
THE PRIEST COMES IN-- PRIEST COMES IN,
HE SAYS, "WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LIGHT
A CANDLE FOR YOU IN THE CHAPEL?"
AND SHE SAYS, SASSY AS YOU PLEASE,
TELETYPING THROUGH HER EYELIDS...
(laughter)
"WELL, HOW MANY CANDLES YA GOT?"
BECAUSE SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO HER
AND KEEP HAPPENING.
SWEETIE, HAVE A GOOD SHOW. WHAT YOU DO IS SO IMPORTANT.
(laughter)