- Vince, I have that quarterly analysis that you asked for.
(suspenseful music)
- [Vince] I had a quarter of deez nuts on your chin.
- Vince, seriously.
♪ But I don't need you ♪
- (Driver) All right where you headed, youngster?
- Yeah I'm a headed to the Cobo building on Jefferson.
- Oh right yeah, Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue, mm-hmm.
So, what you in Detroit for?
- I got to do a presentation.
- Oh all right, okay, yeah, presentation, okay.
What are you presenting?
- Uh, actually, it's about how market research
can be interpreted with out-of-the-box solutions.
- Oh, all right, so you wanna get this
all outside the box, all right. (laughs)
- Most people think that all customers
are a single demographic.
- Oh okay, you trying to get all them demographics
up in here, all right, all right, yeah.
- Online trends are less linear.
- Oh okay, online.
Trends.
Linear, mm-hmm.
- I'm also thinking about doing the presentation naked.
Just no clothes on. - Ooh!
- Oh yeah, yeah, naked presentation.
No clothes on, that's good.
- Afterward, I might just piss on the floor
in front of everyone.
- Oh yeah, okay, all right.
Pissing right there up in front of everybody. (laughs)
All right, sound good.
- Then I might just shoot everybody in the place, you know,
with the gun I'm hiding in my ass.
- Yeah, yeah, gun way up in that ass.
That's the way to do it.
- I'll cut my victim's faces off, wear them as masks.
- Mm-hmm, yeah, masks go on the face.
Mm-hmm, yeah, okay.
- Ich bin ein Schein, heil Hitler!
- Yeah, okay, heil Hitler to you too.
All right, here we are.
(car door closes)
Oh, and by the way,
when you kill those people with your ass gun,
make sure to use a serrated blade to cut the faces off.
Auf wiedersehen!
(radio plays German music)
(suspenseful music)
- Vince, I have that quarterly analysis that you asked for.
- [Vince] I had a quarter of deez nuts on your chin.
- Right.
It's just that I wanted to review
some of these numbers with you.
It, it seems like our earnings are low
against our original projections.
- Deez nuts were low against your chin.
(suspenseful music)
- You know, Vince,
if you ever need to talk to me about something,
I'm more than happy to listen.
- [Vince] Deez nuts would be more than happy
to rest against your chin.
(employee sighs)
- Hey, look, you've been doing this for about a week now
and it was kind of funny at first.
- [Vince] Deez nuts were kind of funny against your chin.
- Vince, I'm worried about you.
(suspenseful music)
- I was worried about deez nuts on your chin.
- Vince, seriously.
- Deez nuts were seriously on your chin.
- Mr. Graham, I just got a call from St. Mary's Hospital
and your parents were in a serious car accident.
I'm so sorry,
but your mother is dead (dramatic music)
and your father is on life support.
(Vince cries)
- Deez nuts were supporting life on you chin.
- Oh my God. (crying)
- Sorry, Amber.
Vince, you gotta stop it.
Your mother just passed away.
- Deez nuts passed away on your chin.
- No, they didn't.
They didn't, Vince.
Listen, you gotta leave here right now
and go be with your dad.
This could be the last time that you get to see him.
- This could be the last time I get to see my nuts on your-
- Goddammit, Vincent!
Your father might be dying!
- Deez nuts might be dying on your chin.
(slap)
Goddammit, Vince, snap the (beep) out of it!
Your mother is dead!
- All right, all right.
- You okay? - [Vince] I'm okay.
- You're, you're back.
- I don't know what came over me. (whispering)
- It's all right. (whispering)
- They were so good.
It's just that...
it worked at every situation and just...
- I know, I know.
- It's always, it's just so funny.
- It wasn't, it wasn't that funny.
- It was funny.
- It really wasn't that funny, Vince.
- Really funny.
- I would not go so far
as to say it was really funny, Vince.
- It was funny.
- But it wasn't though.
- [Vince] It was.
- It wasn't. (whispering)
- Agree to disagree, it's funny.
- Okay.
One more time, just gonna go on record
as saying it wasn't really that funny.
(heartwarming music)
- I'm gonna go see my dad.
It was funny.
- It wasn't that funny.
(heartwarming music swells)
- Dad.
Stay with me.
Dad, I love you.
- And I love...
these nuts on your chin.
(heart monitor flat lines)
(dramatic music)
These nuts on your chin. (echoing)
(Vince cries)
- Aahh!
(tense music)
- Morning.
Ron. - Good morning, Mr. Shelby
- How's the fam?
- Oh, I don't, I don't have one.
I'm single sir, I'm not married.
But I do have a girlfriend.
- That's great - She's not-
- Oh God! (spits)
Hey, I need you to do me a favor.
Make sure everybody knows
that the bagels are for sales associates only.
- No problem sir.
- All right, let's get this sales presentation started.
(Ron laughs)
All right, who's hungover?
- [Ron] Not me. (crowd laughs)
- I know Ron is!
(crowd laughs)
- That's not true.
- You're an alcoholic.
(crowd laughs)
- I'm not, sir, I'm not.
- Hey guys, sales associates, friends.
Today I want to talk about the world's oldest profession.
(laughs) Now hold on, hold on.
I know, I know what you're thinking, right?
Sex and prostitutes, that's not what I'm talking about.
Okay?
I'm talking about sales.
If you look at our ancient history as human beings,
the first caveman out there (dramatic music)
sold a rock to the second caveman out there.
How did he do it?
I don't know.
More importantly, how much did he get for it?
We'll never know the answer to that question.
- Oh no, I'm sorry, those are for sales associates only.
- It's food.
- Not for you, I'm sorry.
Bagels are just for sales associates.
- For sale?
- No, it's free.
- Oh, for free.
- Not, not for you though.
- It's just for me.
- No, no, the sign says...
- We're willing to divide ourselves...
- The bagels are only for sales associates.
- Ron!
Love the enthusiasm, but it's a little distracting.
(crowd laughs)
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sir.
- Don't do it again please.
- Sorry.
- [Mr. Shelby] Moving on.
- For me, maybe?
- No not maybe, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
- Fas?
- Fas, what?
- Fas.
- For us, no, no, not for us.
- One, just one.
- It's just that they're for sales associates only.
- For me maybe?
(tense music builds)
- Okay, Ron? - Forget that I-
- Yep!
- Just, shut up. (laughs)
All right.
What was the first tongue-twister you remember hearing?
Was it "she sells"?
- Sir?
No, sir. (sighs)
Cream cheese is also only for sales associates.
- How come it's not for me why?
- Because the bagels are for sales-
- Ron! - Yes!
- Time and place, man.
- I'm sorry, this guy just keeps trying to grab a bagel.
- Ron, do you want to come up here and do the presentation,
I'll go back there and be a jackass?
- You just asked me to make sure that nobody, but-
- Sign says, my name is Ron (in nerdy voice)
and I like to drink alcohol and listen to signs all day.
- He's really relentless about having a bagel.
- Ron, handle your bagels!
- I'm trying!
- Unbelievable everybody.
All right, I'll go, I'll just, I'll start cold.
Cells makeup our bodies,
but selling makes our bodies come alive.
(sniffing)
- Sir, seriously stop.
- Not even smell?
- No, no, no! (shouting)
You can't have any bagels,
you can't have any cream cheese and you can't have smells!
That's what the (bleep) sign says!
- Ron! - Yes!
- You are fired, sir!
- Of course I am!
- All right, you know what?
Just give me a minute.
I'm gonna try and forget Ron ruined my day.
Because this presentation is great and it's going great.
And I think you guys can-
- Bagel, these bagels are for... (muttering)
(dramatic music builds)
- Bagels is for sales associates.
- He's right, Ron.
- Mr. Cook, you're almost up, are you ready?
- Good, I'm good.
- Really gonna need you to stick to the script on this one.
- I'm the CEO of Apple, Willis.
I'm not going to do anything stupid.
Please stop comparing me to Steve Jobs!
- Nobody's comparing you to Steve Jobs, okay?
Just want you to focus on the products
and please stick to the script, okay.
You're on in three.
- They're gonna forget they ever heard the name Steve Jobs.
What up Apple people, yeah! (crowd cheers)
Well the first thing that I'm going to do is T-O-T-S.
Throw out the script.
(crowd cheers)
Now, I'm supposed to come out here
and tell you about some bull(beep) new iPhone,
pad, pod, dick, pussy, (bleep),
You've seen it (gasping and stuttering).
Boring!
(crowd cheers)
Yes!
That's exactly it.
Now, let's just say that this table right here?
Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh? (screams)
(breaks through table)
Yeah! (crowd cheers)
(Cook laughs)
That's what I'm talking about!
And let's say that this is our competitor's new smartphone.
(crowd boos)
How about that?
(glass breaks, crowd cheers)
I am Android. (in robot voice)
I am a major donkey dick.
And lets say that this right here,
this is one of our competitor's new ebook reader, huh?
What about that?
What, uh-oh. (crowd boos)
Tut tut, wooks wike wain.
Aahh. (crowd laughs and cheers)
Yeah!
Woo!
Yeah, all right!
Yes!
Who wants to see
some of that classified next-level (beep), huh?
(crowd cheers)
Did Steve ever show you that classified (beep)?
No he didn't.
- You can't do that, they haven't been tested yet!
This device will allow you to teleport
anywhere on the planet.
Check this out.
I am the future!
(electric shocks and screams)
(audience member screams)
Woo!
Let's see Steve jobs do that. (laughs)
- Marjorie, I'd love a cupcake.
Thank you so much for coming today.
As you know, every year, the vice president hosts
the annual company luncheon.
So I brought you here to make sure
that none of my material could be
in any way misconstrued as sexist or racist or homophobic.
So if you hear anything that could be
in any way offensive to anyone, just raise your hand and-
Oh, I hadn't really started yet.
Uh, did you find something offensive?
- The fact that you think I need a man's permission
to raise my hand is insane.
I can raise my hand whenever I want to raise my hand
because I'm a free woman.
- So I should just raise my hand like this,
like a big old Black power fist?
Yeah, huh, boss man?
Is that what you want from me?
- Is this what you wanted?
A floppy, gay hand just floating around in the air.
Well here we go, here's my floppy gay, hand
at the end of my limp, gay wrist.
Happy?
- No, Jesus, no.
Wow, what?
- Why not "Mary, no"?
Or "Rachel, no"?
Or "Bathsheba, no"?
Why does it have to be Jesus, a man?
- And are we talking about the Jesus that accepts everyone?
Or the Jesus who doesn't believe
that people should be able to love who they love?
- Oh, maybe I should just break out in some gospel songs,
screamin' and hollerin' and hootin'.
Oh Lordy, Lordy!
- No, this isn't the speech yet.
Can I just do the speech?
- Oh, you want this bitch to shut up, is that it?
- What's the matter, the Black guy's
making way too much noise in your movie theater, massa?
- Forgive me for lisping and lilting through your speech.
- No, I just meant-
- Whoa! (in unison)
- What's with the hands man, I ain't gonna shoot ya!
- What are you going to grab my breasts now?
- Protect yourself from the gay invasion.
- Guys!
- Oh, guys!
Should I leave?
Sorry, men and women.
- Let's exclude everybody
who identifies themselves as something else
because they're not people!
- I meant people!
- Whose people?
My people?
Do I speak for my people?
- All right!
- More like all white!
- More like no rights!
- More like women are second-class citizens, right?
- 'Kay, stop!
Men, women, people of all ethnicities, genders,
sexual orientation, religion.
Can I please just get to my speech?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, here goes.
A Chinaman, a Polak and an Arab walk into a bar.
- I love Arab jokes.
- Ching chong, bring it on.
- You had me at Polak.
- Noah Sanders, I'm here for the job interview.
- Please take a seat, Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
(calming music)
- Job interviews, huh?
Never fun.
(man sighs)
Okay.
I get it, stay focused.
Cool, cool, cool cool...
(men laughing behind door)
Ooh.
That's a big laugh.
(sighs)
- [Mr. Weinstein] Oh no! - [Adam] I did it!
- [Mr. Weinstein] No you didn't!
(men laughing behind door)
- Jeez, is this a job interview or the Carol Burnett Show,
you know what I mean?
(men laughing)
- Oh sir, sir sir.
- Oh my gosh, that is too rich.
Thanks so much for coming in, Adam.
- Of course, and you better stay away
from that Chinese food guy.
- Oh my God, you got that right. (laughs)
Done a number on my stomach.
(play fighting and laughing)
- Here's your fortune, you're gonna be sick in a half hour.
(both laughing)
- Oh my gosh, what an absolute delight, Adam.
- It's been great, and can I tell you something real quick?
I don't even care if I get this job.
Because I know I've made a friend for life.
- What a terrific attitude.
What a great goddamn attitude.
You son of a gun.
You know what?
Right quick before you leave, I want to give you something.
- No, sir, I can't take any more gifts.
This whole thing has been a gift.
- My brother passed away...
(sad piano music)
21 years ago.
We were estranged and he became ill
and he gave this to me as a peace offering.
And then one day when we were on the ocean,
he fell overboard
on a boat very much like this one and died.
I saw him struggling all the way
as a riptide just pulled him down.
- Bitch ocean!
- Would you please accept this as a token of my gratitude
for you bringing joy back into my life?
- Under any other circumstance, I would refuse.
But I will accept this gift today.
Because I know how much it means to you, so I will.
- Thank you.
- Ahoy matey.
(both laughing)
- How is that funny?
- Bernadette.
Bernadette, are you hearing any of this?
This guy, how do you keep a straight face all day?
(both laughing)
- Isn't she sweet?
- Sweeter than pie, sir. - Oh my God.
- Goddammit I love your (bleep) energy.
- Well.
What can I say, sir?
I am solar-powered!
(Mr. Weinstein laughs at high pitch)
- Really?
You like you like that one, huh?
- Oh thanks so much, Adam, terrific.
Best interview I've ever been a part of in my entire life!
Okay, who's next?
You, ready?
Let's go, chop chop, here we go.
(clapping)
Come on, let's go.
- (claps) Okay!
Woo!
Requesting permission to come on board, sir.
Hi, Noah Sanders is the name.
Ah, sorry to hear about your brother.
Maybe we can get some Chinese food after this?
- All right, all right, okay, take it easy.
Jeez, settle down Turbo.
(calming music)
(theme song)
♪ All I want, yeah ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪