(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JAMES.
REGGIE.
GUYS, AS YOU MAY KNOW I'M A COMEDIAN.
WHICH MEANS THAT I HAVE HAD A LOT OF OTHER JOBS THAT I AM
TERRIBLE AT.
(LAUGHTER) HOWEVER, HAVE YOU EVER MET
SOMEONE WHO IS SO BAD AT THEIR JOB THAT THEY ACTUALLY GO ALL
THE WAY AROUND TO BEING LIKE A GENIUS AT DOING THE OPPOSITE OF
THEIR JOB?
I WAS RECENTLY IN A RESTAURANT AND I HAD A WAITRESS AND I
WAITED TABLES FOR MANY YEARS AND IT WAS A TOUGH JOB.
BUT THIS WAS AS IF SHE HAD NEVER BEEN IN A RESTAURANT BEFORE IN
HER LIFE.
AND ACTUALLY THAT IS ACTUALLY TWO KIND IT IS MORE LIKE SHE HAD
JUST LANDED IN A SPACESHIP FROM OUTER SPACE AND THE FIRST
STRUCTURE SHE HAPPENED TO WALK INTO WAS A RESTAURANT AND
THEY'RE LIKE HERE'S A JOB.
AND SHE IS LIKE WHAT ARE WORDS!
BECAUSE WE ORDERED TWO BLOODY MARIES IN AN EMPTY RESTAURANT
AND AFTER TWO MINUTES SHE COMES OUT WITH TWO DRINKS.
AND ONE WAS PINK, AND ONE WAS BROWN.
AND WE WERE SIMPLY CONFUSED.
AND I SAID WHY ARE THOSE TWO DIFFERENT COLORS.
AND SHE JUST WENT-- (LAUGHTER)
AND DISAPPEARED INSIDE.
WAS GONE FOR 10 MINUTES, AND THEN CAME OUT WITH THEM
UNCHANGED.
AND PUT THEM ON THE TABLE.
I WAS LIKE WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?
DID SHE JUST WALK INTO A KITCHEN FULL OF 16 FOOT TALL ANTS FROM
OUTER SPACE.
AND SHE'S LIKE-- AND THEY'RE LIKE-- JUST SPLIPPING THROUGH
ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA AND WAMPING OLD EPISODES OF I LOVE
LUCY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT DO HUMANS DO IF RESTAURANTS
THESE DAYS.
I HONESTLY EXPECTED HER TO COME BACK TO THE TABLE AND WHAT CAN I
GET FOR YOU, SIR, AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU, AND TO THE FLOWER
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE, WHAT WILL YOU BE HAVING SIR.
AND WE BE WILL LIKE WHAT, AND SHE'LL BE LIKE NEVER MIND.
FLY AWAY.
I WAS, I WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I HAVE JUST BEEN REAL INTO
TUBING LATELY.
JUST LOVE TO TUBE.
AND I WAS ON TOUR RECENTLY.
I WANTED TO GO TUBING BUT I COULDN'T FIND A PLACE TO RENT A
TUBE BUT I COULD FIND A PLACE TO RENT A CAN U.
AN IT'S SURPRISINGLY EASY TO RENT A CAN U WHEN YOU'VE NEVER
CAN UD BEFORE.
YOU JUST PAY A MAN 12 TORS HE DO THROWS A KANNOE ON THE GROUND
AND DRIVES AWAY.
AND REALIZE CANOEING IS ONLY FUN WITH A FRIEND.
BECAUSE THE ONLY THING TO DO WHEN YOU ARE CANOE IS GO TIE
ROPE SWING, AND OR GO TOY CLIFF AND JUMP UP.
ONCE I WENT UP THERE WAS ALREADY A FAMILY DOING THAT THING.
AND IT WAS JUST ME, MAN IN CAN U BY MYSELF, JUST PRED DOR PALING
UP.
HEY, FAMILY, CAN I GET WET WITH YOU?
AND WHEN YOU CANOE BY YOURSELF YOU SIT IN THE BACK OF THE CANOE
SO THE FRONT OF THE CANOE KIND OF POKES UP OUT OF THE WATER.
JUST LOOKS LIKE A BONER HUNTING FOR FAMILIES.
AND ON THAT TRIP, I HAD RENTED A CAR THAT HAS SATELLITE RADIO.
AND I FOUND OUT I LOVE SATELLITE RADIO.
I LOVE IT.
CUZ EVERY CHAN SELL SO SPECIFIC, JUST FOR LIKE FIVE PEOPLE.
AND THERE'S ONE CHANNEL CALLED THE PULSE.
AND I THINK THE PITCH FOR THAT CHANNEL IS LIKE HEY, WHEN PEOPLE
ASK YOU WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE, YOU SAY OH, I LIKE ALL
KINDS OF MUSIC.
BUT ALSO YOU STOP LISTENING TO MUS NIK 2004, WELL, HERE'S SOME
BRITNEY.
THERE IS ONE CHANNEL THAT IS JUST THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
ANOTHER CHAN JUST BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND ANOTHER CHANNEL
CALLED MARGARITAVILLE.
WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONLY JIMMY BUFFETT BUT BUFFETT
DOESN'T HAVE A DEEP ENOUGH DISKOGRAPHY TO SUPPORT 24/7
PLAY.
SOO THEY ARE JUST LIKE IF YOU LIKE BUFFETT, MAYBE YOU WILL
LIKE THIS CRAP.
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE HEY, ARE YOU AN OLD WHITE MAN WHO WENT TO THE BAHAMAS ONCE
AND LOVED ISLAND CULTURE BUT WOULD PREFER TO NOT THINK ABOUT
THE POST COLONIAL SEGREGATION AND EXPLOITATION OF A NATIVE
POPULATION AND INSTEAD WANT TO FOCUS ON THE BURGERS, WELL
HERE'S SOME EAGLES.
(APPLAUSE) THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GUYS.
>> James: THAT WAS GREAT, KURT BRAUNOHLER, EVERYBODY.