Alright, every young man remembers certain first that occured in their life
Your first broken bone
"Dare me to jump off the garage?"
"Yeah, do it!"
*slams into the ground*
Your first physical at the doctor's office
"And now I'm gonna feel your balls and it's gonna get really weird"
"Turn and cough, please"
But everybody tends to remember their first kiss
And the story starts with me staying the night at my friend Michael's house
And before you get ahead of yourself, no, my first kiss wasn't with Michael
I'd rather eat crumbs out of Rosie O'Donnell's belly button than do something like that
So, anyways, I was staying the night at Michael's house
And staying the night at Michael's house sucks ass for a couple of reasons
For one, we always had to stay up in his room all night
Because his stepdad would be downstairs in his underwear
Watching hockey, getting mad at the TV
"Uh, what kind of mighty dog bullshit was that?!"
"God damn in, Emilio Estevez!"
And two, Michael didn't have anything to do in his room
He had like a dirty mattress in the corner
Some TV from the 1950s
"Holy hell, what am I, in a third world country?!"
"Michael, it's like a Turkish prison in this place! Where's all your stuff at?"
"My stepdad sold all my stuff for Marlboro Reds and Natural Light"
"But I do got this sweet paint roller"
"What the hell are we gonna do with the paint roller, Michael?"
"Don't you guys have a Sega Genesis downstairs?"
"Let's go sneak down there and get it"
"I don't know, the last time I snuck downstairs, my stepdad took my paint roller away"
"Forget about the goddamn paint roller, Michael!"
"Autistic kids play with paint rollers for Christ's sake!"
"Let's go downstairs and get your Sega!"
So we try to sneak down there
We didn't even get to the bottom of the stairs before we get caught
"What the hell do you think you guys are doing?!"
"It's a goddamn powerplay right now!"
"The last thing I need is a couple of 8-year-old ash-kash-bgash wearing assholes down here!"
So back to the Turkish prison we go
Also known as Michael's bedroom
Michael also had a sister, and she was upstairs in the room next to his
She was no Topanga from the Boy Meets World
But she was a year older than I was
Which meant she was sophisticated
She didn't like Polly Pocket, she liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer and shit like that
Well, she comes over to Michael's room, and she's like:
"Uhm, what are you guys doing in here?"
"Oh, nothing, just fucking off with this paint roller, what are you doing?"
So the three of us hang out in Michael's room
We actually end up having pretty good time
We stayed up most of the night, talking about all the stupid shit Michael did when he was younger
"Remember when I dressed you up like a girl and made you marry the dog?"
"Huh? No, I don't remember that at all!"
"Now, well, here's a picture of it. What a beautiful wedding, you were so pretty!"
"Alright, that's enough of that!"
Now, throughout the night, I could've sworn that Michael's sister was making the moves on me
I'm no Pierce Brosnan, but she'd be sitting next to me and she'd be like:
"You know, sometimes I see you outside.."
"And the way you hit the whiffle ball you're like the white Sammy Sosa"
"Uuhh, thank you, I see the way you sing your Spice Girls songs.."
"And you're like a.. less cracked up Whitney Houston"
I look over to Michael - he's passed out on the floor, holding the paint roller like a teddy bear
I look back and Michael's sister just leans over and kisses me
[Kissing sound]
Now, I can't tell you, what it feels like, getting your first kiss as a kid
But I can tell that the song 'Getting Jiggy with it' by Will Smith was playing in my head the entire time
*na-na-na-nanana*
*na-na-na-na-nana*
*Getting jiggy with it!*
"Just make sure you don't tell anybody that we kissed, okay?"
"Uhm, alright, no problem!"
So the next day I tell all my friends, naturally
"Hey, Michael, guess whose mouth was all over your sister's last night?"
"What?"
"I said I kissed your sister last night, while you were spooning with that goddamn paint roller"
"You did what?"
"Ah, man, that's crazy, I kissed her before too!"
"Ah, what the hell?!"
"Yeah, one time I gave her a Jolly Rancher, and she just started licking my face and shit"
"Ah, God damn it!"
"Hhuehaha hhuehaha, your sister's a slut!"
Me and David high-five each other
Michael's face looks like he just shat his pants
Tommy's over there, digging through his pockets, looking for a Jolly Rancher
So it turns out, that just about everybody in the neighbourhood
Was getting jiggy with Michael's sister
She was like a game of T-ball
Everybody gets a turn and nobody strikes out
You just had to make sure that you went to clinic afterwards and made sure you were clean
"Nope, no mouth herpes for you, but we should do another physical to make sure"
"Drop those pants and turn and cough"
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