Obedience to Parents and its Limits
[Hassan Ilyas] Ghamidi Sahib, today, we had a discussion on the chapter of ethics,
you told how the rights of the parents,
ethics of the religion bind a pious believer
so that they behave well and be gentle with the parents.
I want you to throw light on some practical issues.
We generally observe that when parents turn old,
their temperament also gets irritable, they insist on being opinionated
and their interference in those matters,
in which their knowledge is not up to date in that way.
The children usually become irritated.
At such moments, what should children do?
As there exists an environment in the home,
if a father is adamant about something now and if he is obeyed,
then rights are children are violated, rights of wife are violated.
So, wherever rights of others are being violated,
how can you accommodate such attitudes and temperaments of the parents?
[Javed Ahmed Ghamidi] Look, when there is a matter concerning any right,
when there is a matter of some truths,
when there is a matter of injustice against someone,
then no one must be obeyed in that case.
That's to say, if it is a matter of wife,
then, there also, you will act according to rightfulness and justice.
If it is a matter of children,
then, there also, you will behave according to rightfulness and justice.
Since, parents may be uneducated also, unaware of the religion also,
they do not have such a way of perception in the religious matters also.
Some of our tribal traditions or in the same way,
family traditions, social traditions,
other civilized traditions, other cultural traditions,
due to influence of these also, their attitudes are also developed.
So, at all such instances, a person should act according to what is right
and he should also say only what is right.
But you should always maintain politeness.
Even if you have to refuse a thousand times,
so you should remain limited to the extent of refusal only.
Stepping beyond that to adopt means of ill treatment
or adopt the means of reprimand, or scathing comments is unfortunate.
You should avoid doing these.
That's to say, it is the balance that the religion of Allah has taught us.
We should not obey the wrong command.
We should say what is right, pay one's due right,
bear witness of what is right,
even if it is against the parents, it will be given.
Even it is against the most powerful elder, it will be given.
To say what is right, to do what is right,
to act according to the right manner, it is our responsibility.
No compromise can be made with anyone in this case.
But as the status of parents is very high
and at some instants, undoubtedly, they would be making totally wrong demands,
so, their demand must be ignored with politeness and civility.
Despite that, suppose, they have become angry,
or something similar has happened,
then, you should not express any anger as a reaction to that.
If they become angry, then let them be so.
That's to say, do not let them make you accept an unjustly demand.
But to remain polite with them, to treat them well,
Despite all their injustices, if there is an opportunity to serve them,
then, to be ready to serve them,
if there is an opportunity to spend for them,
then to be ready for that, this is important.
And this is precisely what Allah (swt) has demanded from us.
He has demanded a good treatment from us, not a compliance of wrong demands.
[Hassan] Okay.
Well, Ghamidi Sahib, please tell us that we generally observe
that sons pressurize their wives also
and demand from them also,
"You should also completely fulfill the responsibilities that
I owe to my parents and you also adopt the same behavior which I have adopted"
and we have seen that father-in-law and mother-in-law,
themselves treat their daughter-in-laws in such a way as
they would treat their own children, interfering directly in their matters.
They think that they have the right to do so.
So, please tell me that the daughters-in-law,
who are not the real daughters of those parents,
is their responsibility the same as that of their children?
And we have also seen that
the sons highly pressurize their wives to serve their parents,
but themselves, they hardly do anything for their sake.
[Ghamidi] Look, the point is that those wives have their own parents,
that's to say, they have not been born in this world without any parents.
The girl, you bring to you home after marriage, also has some siblings,
some close relatives, her own parents.
So, the rights that your parents have on you,
their parents also have the same rights on them.
So, due to this reason, claiming that my parents are now your parents also
and you do not owe any responsibility to your parents,
it is totally against the teachings of the religion of Allah (swt).
If you treat her parents well, if you will respect them,
because, when these relationships are formed,
they become equivalent to children or equivalent to parents.
They can not be real parents.
As we say that teacher is also, in a way, equivalent to a father.
So, to be equivalent to a father, means that
you will show same importance to them along with your parents.
It is obvious that this importance will be mutual.
If I give respect to the parents of my wife, I respect her brothers and sisters,
I respect her family and relatives.
If I regard them equivalent to my parents,
then I should expect that she should also consider them as her parents.
But, I myself do not act like that,
then it is obvious that I should not demand it from her.
When you bring someone's daughter as a bride,
then, those who do so are the primary parties to be held responsible for her.
Because she has come after leaving her home, after leaving her society.
She has come after leaving her cultural background.
She has went through a specific upbringing.
She has been living in some other household which had its own atmosphere.
She had her own desires.
She adopts or accepts another household leaving all of these things behind.
So, she is holding a status of a guest and you hold the status of being a host.
So, first and foremost,
mother-in-law and father-in-law should demonstrate their role of being parents.
When they will act as parents and adopt the same attitude as parents adopt,
one's own mother and father adopt,
then it is obvious that you can have expectations also.
But remaining above the expectations, you must keep a check on your own views,
you must lookout for your own responsibilities.
Our religion has reversed this order,
that's to say, in the current times, everything begins in the name of rights
but, as per religion, everything begins in the name of duties.
That's to say, as a parent, what are my duties?
What are my responsibilities? I have to fulfill those.
Now, it is obvious that in comparison to that, children also have duties.
They also have responsibilities.
But, we realize about those duties only when we fulfill our duties.
So, elders should come forward to bless them with love and affection,
embrace them to impart them education. They should cover up their mistakes.
If all these acts have been done, by mother-in-law and father-in-law,
then, undoubtedly such a woman would be very ungenerous,
who still treats them with disrespect.
It cannot happen!
That's to say, human nature specifically demands
that whatever you have done, you shall be repaid for that.
So, we should pray to Allah (swt) to help succeed us in realizing our duties.
[Hassan] Okay Ghamidi Sahib.
Let's have some discussion about the last aspect.
When we generally talk about such kind of topics,
it is said that such a child is perhaps rude
and he is running away from his duties
or the aspect of him being unappreciative,
ungrateful to the parents becomes evident through it.
Do you think it is necessary that old parents should themselves understand
that how should they spend their old age gracefully, in the best way?
If they are staying at their children's home,
then they should respect their privacy, their private space, giving them a break,
they should give a time out for the interaction
among their own family of sons and daughter-in-laws
and align their own lives to a pattern.
We generally observe that when elder people reach old age,
they are spending their lives complaining only,
"My child did nothing for me, I had done everything for him",
and they leave the world with this grievance and wailing
and it also sends out this message to the world
that the parents are highly unhappy with their children,
and they do not serve them.
So, do you think that we are already educating our children,
but some training should be imparted to elders, old people also
so that when in these stages of life, you become dependent on others,
then, while maintaining your status, you should realize your role also.
[Ghamidi] This should be done from the very beginning.
Your temperament is different when children are born.
When children reach adolescence, you should think how to deal with them now.
They come of age, they get married.
So, obviously, they have to make decisions now.
They have stepped into a new phase of their own life.
So, whoever is sensible, among the parents,
either mother or father, they keep on changing their attitude continuously,
that's to say, it was one period
when we used to take care of all matters of the children.
It was the other period when we used to admonish them and punish them too.
Now, it is the current period in which
we can only hold a dialogue or just have a talk
and then there comes the time, when we, ourselves, will become dependent.
So, when you are reaching old age,
then you should start preparing yourselves much before that.
It is the decision of Allah alone when it is destined to come,
when will Allah (swt) bring death.
Nothing can be predicted, whether
we may have to spend life in debility
or we may have to stay at son's place or stay at daughter's place.
So, that's why, it is necessary
that a person should keep preparing himself
for these stages in a gradual fashion.
If he is not prepared,
then he will create problems for himself also and in his environment also
and the most important point in it is that when your children come of age,
then you should try to have zero interference then.
That's to say, it should be done immediately.
It is not like that you will wait till you reach old age totally.
Your attitude towards their matters should be of drawing their attention,
talking to them nicely, giving them advice at the appropriate time.
It should not exceed beyond this limit.
If you will be ready to admonish them at every moment,
you will be ready to advice them at every moment,
you will be ready to express grievances at every moment,
then, you are not talking to a wall, you are dealing with a human being.
They also begin to react.
It should not be done in at any cost like we discussed about it a lot now.
But, mostly among us, our elders or aged people commit mistakes,
mistakes in attitude, mistakes in having expectations, mistakes in making demands
and in the same way,
trying to interfere in each and every matter even after attaining that age.
So, when are heading towards old age,
the first and foremost step is to take it as if you were going to die.
When you will not interfere in the matters of others,
you will remain within your boundaries,
you will also expect only that much which can be fulfilled.
Then, you should hope that if children are also dutiful,
then they will not lack in fulfilling your rights.
Interfering every now and then, giving advice every now and then,
punishing every now and then, expressing grievances every now and then,
these actually tend to irritate others.
So, you should avoid doing that.
[Hassan] Thanks a lot.