Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I would discuss emotional abuse. In this video,
I'm going to outline what emotional abuse is I'm going to look at some common examples of emotional
abuse. I m also going to look at some of the long term effects that emotional abuse can have
on someone. So if you find this video interesting, if you like it please consider subscribing to my
channel. Just to remind you though, this video is for information purposes only. So emotional abuse
is an aspect of coercive control. Now coercive being a pattern of behaviour that is manipulative,
degrading and threatening. It is a behaviour that is aimed at belittling and disempowering others.
And like most forms of abuse, it rarely happens in isolation. It's normally just one of many
tactics that an abusive person will use in order to dominate and control others. It involves non
physical behaviours that belittle and insult the other person. Now these could be looks
of disapproval, disappointment, being ignored, sarcasm, insults, right up to verbal attacks.
They re all aimed at grinding the other person down emotionally until they feel ashamed, degraded
and inferior. Now narcissistic people often look for things that they can use against other people,
things that bother them. If they were to try something and it didn't work, the chances are
they're not going to do that again. But if they do find something that works, something they know
makes their target uncomfortable, then they will mention it, talk about it, bring it up, do it,
they will keep on pushing those buttons over and over again and ignore any pleas to stop.
The aim is often to grind the other person down until they just accept it as normal. And although
someone could be emotionally abused by anyone, it could be a friend, it could be a partner, could be
family members, work colleagues, even. For the sake of this video, I'm just going to refer to
partner as in like a romantic relationship. So some of the common examples of emotional abuse
would include first of all what I would describe as unkind humour. Now this is
not to be confused with playful banter that a lot of people engage in with each other.
This is more like jokes with jags, sarcasm, saying something deliberately aimed at embarrassing
someone else, but it is hidden behind a joke. Now if the partner expresses any kind of discomfort,
asks them to stop, tells them they don't like it. The abuser may typically respond
with something like I was only joking, Grow up, You're too sensitive, You have no sense of humour.
What they're doing is playing down the impact of the insults. There could be derogatory nicknames,
but said as if they re a term of endearment. Now these nicknames are often something they know that
the other person is sensitive about. They could be perhaps physical features, characteristics or
maybe their history. They may even laugh at their partners discomfort, to their reaction to being
humiliated. That facade of there being no ill intent is really hiding I think something quite
sadistic, and it is very devaluing. Secondly, there could be sharing personal information.
Now they may say things, these may be things that were said in confidence, something they know their
partners going to feel bad about, but openly talk about it, discuss it or just tell other people.
And the aim is to cause public embarrassment. The victim feels disempowered, humiliated, and they
can be left in this state of either enduring the public humiliation or looking like they re insane,
they re unreasonable for not being okay with it. Quite often the abusers audience don't realise
that this isn't just a conversation or just a joke. This is something deeply personal about the
partner and it's not just this once this happens a lot and then many different social gatherings.
They are not respecting their partner's privacy, which leads me on to the next one.
There's no respect for any kind of privacy when it comes to the partner, whether it's personal or
physical privacy, their boundaries are just not respected. They may make no secret of the fact
that they have been reading the partners private text messages or making snide remarks about their
social media content. They could be banging on the bathroom door, looking for something,
or demanding a conversation while the partner is in there. It could be perhaps giving a running
commentary on something when the partners trying to watch television or to read a book,
or suddenly develop a headache every time the partner wants to listen to some music.
Now if they re discussing something, some plan or some scheme, for example, maybe one of them
thinking of buying a new car. If the partner says no, we don't need a new car or we can't afford a
new car. Now the abusive person, chances are they might just go out and buy a car anyway. When the
partner confronts them, they'll just maybe shrug their shoulders and say, Oh, I thought we agreed.
Next, there are hypercritical and very judgmental. Now this could be over a wide range of things. The
criticism could be over physical characteristics, weight, height, how they look, how they dress.
It could be over their politics, their religion, their faith. Going to a social event they may look
at the other partner and just say, Oh, you're wearing that. They may point out to their
partner. ,Look, he can get a way with dressing like that or, She looks good in that kind of
outfit . If the partner were maybe to buy them something, say perhaps a birthday present,
they don't necessarily hide their disappointment, or their disapproval. Maybe just hand it back, Is
that all you think of me? Can you not try harder? They may even ask for the receipt and go and get
something else that they would really like, something that they would prefer.
One way or another the criticism and the judgement isn't just over a thing they don't like, or they
don't approve of. They will have a negative opinion of everything regarding their partner,
who's often left feeling as if they're just never going to be good enough. Next, they can be very
patronising and dismissive. This can take many forms. There could be laughing at the partners
problems, their discomfort, drawing attention to anything the partner may be struggling with.
They may ask questions like, Why do you bother? Are you stupid? Is there anything you're good
at? However there's no of acknowledgement of the partners successes, their strengths, their
qualities, their achievements. They re either ignored or they are play down as irrelevant,
they don't matter. The partners, hobbies and interests are dismissed as a waste of time.
Sometimes, maybe if the partner is trying to communicate something the abusive person
is just giving them a self assured smirk as if they're listening to a child trying to explain how
magic works. They may roll their eyes, wave their hand, behave as if whatever the partner has to say
is beneath them. If the partner does succeed at something, the only attention it will get is
what could possibly be wrong with it, or how it could have been done better. Next is what would
be referred to his character assassination. The abuser will use language like, You're always this,
you're never that, you can do nothing right . If the partner does anything at all for themselves
or for anyone else they are accused of being selfish and thoughtless. Lastly, there are
angry outbursts. Now the anger can manifest itself in different ways. It can be physical,
but in the sense that they may be throwing, smashing, breaking things. Or there's yelling
and screaming in order to intimidate. They start arguments over nothing. Each and every time the
abuser is claiming victimhood, smashing things, screaming and shouting about how unfairly they re
being treated, how selfish the other person is. The way I phrase it is, my outrage proves how
righteous and noble I am . Or there's the silent treatment. There s stonewalling,
withdrawing, withholding any kind of attention. Ignoring the partner as if they're just not there.
They are so hurt and so wounded they have no choice but to withdrawal until the partner
apologises. In many cases, if you really think about it the partner is apologising for how they
feel at how they re treated. The way I phrase that when it comes to the abusive person is,
my pain proves how innocent I am. This kind of abuse can leave the partner feeling small,
inconsequential, feel shame and guilt. And through these outbursts the partner is led to believe that
they are responsible for the abusers moods. Now the long term effects of being emotionally abused
can have a huge impact on someone's self esteem, their self worth, their self-confidence. What I
mean by that is when you put the word self in front of the words like that, it's not so much
what I think of me, it's what I think others think of me. To be constantly viewed negatively can
affect anyone s sense of self. It can affect their decision making. They re afraid to do something or
afraid not to do something. They fear the negative consequences. That person may hide their true
thoughts, their true feelings out of fear of being belittled, being rejected. Constantly second guess
themselves and needing reassurance but fear asking for it because they fear the reaction. Sometimes
some people go on to develop safety, seeking an avoidant behaviours. I once heard it described
like living on a minefield, afraid of taking the next step because you never knew if that
was going to be an explosion or not. Now if you're in or you have been in a relationship like this,
I would invite you to think about reaching out to someone. Reach out to a mental health professional
like a counsellor a therapist or reach out to and organisation that supports victims of
domestic abuse. I'm going to put the links to some organisations in the description of this video.
So that s a brief outline of emotional abuse. Now as always there's many things I haven't added,
things I've forgotten. By all means please feel free to use the comment box below, there are some
interesting conversations start around these videos. But if you find this video interesting
or helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.