I've had many women come to me over the years with this question of,
"He's with her. Now, he's not with me. I'm feeling terrible."
Even, "What's wrong with me? How can I shift my mindset, Mark?"
So in this video, I'm going to help you do that. I'm going to show you
exactly what I went through with a client to get her mindset in a really empowered,
positive place, where she was reminded of the prize that she is.
Hit the subscribe button with the little bell and stick around to the end of
the video. I've got a special surprise for you free right at the end.
I'll see you right after this.
[Music playing]
Literally three nights ago, I got a discovery call with a client and
she was saying, "I've been broken up with this guy now for six months.
The relationship only lasted six months. So it's a six month relationship
that ended six months ago, but it's still eating me up inside. Mark.
I'm still so angry at myself. I'm still regretting what happened.
I still have all these thoughts in my head that are bringing me down.
I want to feel better."
So in this video, I'm going to show you some of the mindset re-frames
that I took her through. And if you have a guy that is with someone
else now, that you thought things were going really well with with him
and he's not in your life anymore, you're going to find this really,
really helpful. Maybe you can identify with some of the mindsets that this
client was thinking.
The first thing I did was ask this client, "What's running through your mind?
What are you feeling? What are you thinking?"
There's obviously going to be some sadness that comes with a breakup,
but this was way more than there should have been. And I could see that
her own stuff was piled on top. So if you've experienced this, you've got to
figure out first what your stuff is piled on top of the natural sadness of the
breakup. So here's some of the mindsets that she shared with me that she was
going through.
Number one, she said, "His relationship with me will be learning, and he's going
to have a great one with her now. This sucks, Mark!"
Number two, she said, "He'll think of me, and it's going to bring back painful
emotions, Mark. He's never going to think of the good times. He's just going
to think of all the S H I T. He's gonna think of all the sh*t, and it's not going to give
positive vibes to him when he thinks of me."
The third mindset, "I was just fun to him. He got tired, and I was just some kind of
casual fling for him."
The fourth mindset that was killing her was that, 'He doesn't want to write, talk,
share with me anymore."
And the fifth was that, "He can't forget my bad reactions, Mark. He can't forgive me."
So maybe you can relate to some of these five and maybe you can relate to the one
that was torturing her the most. The mindset that said,
"If I had just done _____ differently, we'd be together now. If I had just done this
differently, if I'd just been less needy or more of this or different in this way,
we'd be together now, Mark. And this is why I feel bad.
And this is why I'm beating myself up all day every day about this relationship.
And he's now gone off to be with her."
So if this is you, and if you've experienced these mindsets, you know how shitty
this can be, and we're going to get you feeling better.
The first thing you've got to do is challenge this bottom narrative that,
"If I'd just done _____ or been _____ or said _____, we'd be together right now."
Relationships are two people coming together. There are two people who
bring unique histories, unique challenges, unique fears, unique, emotional
availabilities. And it's all based on the timing when you both meet.
These things either fit together or they don't. Now, I can't say in your
relationship, whether it was you, whether it was him, whether it
was a combination of both of you. Maybe he wasn't fully over his ex.
Maybe he was struggling with fears of intimacy.
Maybe you were needy, or you did do something unhealthy.
The first thing you have to remember, if you're beating yourself up all the time
is that that relationship was always going to break up.
You were always where you were. He was always where he was and
the two didn't fit together.
And there's nothing you could have ever done about that, right?
So if you're beating yourself up for doing something wrong, which you
may have done nothing wrong, but even if you did, that's part of your journey,
right? And that's the mistake you had to make.
That's the learning that you had to be on the path you were on.
So never beat yourself up for saying, "I did X wrong. I did Y wrong."
It's all part of your journey and part of his and that had to happen exactly
the way it did.
Now, let's dive a little deeper into some of these mindsets that might be really
bringing you down right now.
Number one, "His relationship with me will be learning. And he's going to
have a great one with her." Well, look, I can tell you in my experience,
this is often not very true. Men are very prone to rebounds.
We are very prone to distracting ourselves
because we're in so much pain from losing you, that we go and divert away
from that pain with someone else, right? We tend to dodge pain, which means very
rarely are we going to go straight from a broken relationship to a perfect
new one, but let's say that does happen. And let's say you're right, let's say your
relationship with him was learning. And he does go on and have a healthy one.
now. I want to reframe this and challenge you and say, "Why is that a bad thing?"
Now, you might be thinking, "Well, Mark, it's a bad thing because I missed out.
I didn't get to be with him anymore. And she's with him. She's got what I got.
I've missed out."
And you forgetting something - you were part of the relationship you had, right?
The relationship she has with him is not the one you had.
The relationship she has with him is her own blend,
healthier, less healthy - it's definitely different. If you have a half sister who
was born three years after you, you don't have the same genetics, 50% different,
right? And it's the same with you.
So try to remember that what you thought you had, which was broken
by the way, it's not something she now has with him for better, for worse,
for different. What she has with him is not the same thing that you have.
So this idea that she has what you used to have is simply untrue.
Another mindset you might be struggling with.
Number two, "He's going to think of me and never think of the good times."
This is a really common one I hear. I get a lot of women who say,
"I want him to think of me a certain way. What if he only thinks of the bad?"
I'm going to tell you, this is a good thing for your growth.
Cause it's something you got to get used to. People will not think of you
well, right? I guarantee if you showed this video to 10,000 women, that'd be a lot of
them that think I'm a complete tool, right? To publish the video and to help you.
I have to be okay with that. I have to be genuinely okay with some people thinking
I'm a tool and knowing within myself that I'm not that.
So this mindset about him thinking of me in a bad way, it's actually from caring
too much what others think.
And if you've struggled with this mindset, this is a powerful lesson for you.
People can think whatever they like about you. People can think you have
the craziest girl in the world, the most intense, the most independent, whatever!
What matters is not what they think, what your ex thinks, what matters is what
you think. And the more solid you are in that, the less you'll ever need to worry.
Whether he thinks of you good, bad, or indifferently.
Mindset number three that you might be struggling with.
"I was just fun to him. And he's tired of me. And he's gone to someone more
serious." Well, look again, this is very rarely true.
And a lot of women underestimate the amount of value they bring to a guy's life.
And then he goes and distracts himself because he's in such pain from losing it.
And they think, "Oh, I meant nothing." And it's very rarely true.
But even if it was, you want someone who chooses you, right?
You want someone who sees your value. And him, if it was just fun with
you and if it was casual means that he didn't see that value in a relationship
sense. But this is very important. Him not seeing that value is not
a reflection on your value. You've got to be confident in your value.
And you have value! You have incredible value, and the right man is going to
see that. So even if this mindset was right, which is very rarely true,
I encourage you use this to grow. Disconnect your value in your mind
from his value because by doing that, by knowing your own value,
you're going to draw in the man that can see it, and the man that does
choose you for that.
Mindset number four, "He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to share
with me as a partner!"
You got to be okay with that too. It might be true. In fact, this one is probably the
most true of the bunch, but understand that how much he wants to talk to you
is not relative to your value. Right?
I always talk about how proud I am that I'm good friends with one of my exes,
but I also have an ex that I've reached out to numerous times over the years
and she never wants to talk to me. I think it's sad, but I can't control that.
And you can't control this, right? You can't control whether or not he reaches out,
and it's not a reflection on your value. So always remember it's not about what
others think. It's about YOUR frame in your own value, your own knowing of
your own value.
And finally, mindset number five, "He can't forgive me. He can't forgive
my issues or rejections."
Get it by now? Same thing again. If you're walking around hoping that
others are going to forgive you, you're going to be walking around your life
stressed. Right? Imagine if I hadn't cleaned my bedroom, and you're
walking around stress going, "Mark, hasn't cleaned his bedroom.
I don't know what I'm going to do. How am I gonna get him to clean
his bedroom? It's been a year. He still hasn't cleaned his bedroom!"
Ah, you'd never do that. Cause you can't control whether or not I clean
my bedroom. And you also can't control whether or not someone
forgives you. You're going to make mistakes, be okay with that.
It makes you human. And then remember that someone's forgiveness
is never something you can control. By letting go of this and by realizing
there will be people that never forgive you, you'll actually take that burden
off your shoulders. And you'll be able to walk through life without that weight
into the man of your dreams.
So I hope you can see that by working on these mindsets, by challenging these
mindsets, of course, there's still going to be sadness from the breakup.
Maybe there's going to be anger that needs processing, but you can see
how this client and perhaps you, if you can recognize has piled so much extra
pain by the meanings that she's attached to these.
Some, I think are very untrue. I definitely don't think she was fun. Some are totally
true. He's not contacting her, he's distracted with someone else. But the importance is
the meaning. And this skill to be able to disconnect yourself and your value from
what people think of it, whether or not they forgive you, whether or not they see it,
that when you work on it, is going to be the number one thing that's going to bring
you into your confidence and have the right man see it with you.
That's the video. Don't forget your free stuff. Free book chapter is right here.
You can grab the link in the description, and if you want to come work with me,
fill out the coaching application form. Love to hear your thoughts, comments
in the space below.
Have you struggled with these mindsets, or what's a mindset you're struggling
with? Pop it in the space blog.
Hit the subscribe button with the bell, and I'll see you in the next video real soon.