(dramatic orchestral music)
- Hey you, my name is Thomas TomSka Ridgewell
and welcome back to,
(dramatic music)
"Content!"
Now, I'm 27 years old.
I was raised with the internet.
I've been accessing, the sex (laughs)
ever since I was
♪ A young boy ♪
I would go into shops,
stores, as Americans call them
and I would look at the magazines.
Sometimes I'd find Zoella,
sometimes I'd find a magazine about Lego.
But every time, I would see a row
of dirty, filthy, forbidden literature
right there at the top.
I haven't been able to reach it for a very long time,
nor have I ever had a desire to.
I'm a millennial, I've grown up with the internet,
why would I need to look at porn in a magazine?
But it's always been there, my whole life,
just taunting me.
I have to know.
What's inside these magazines?
- [Elliot] Boobies.
- Oh! Video over!
So I went to my local corner shop
and I bought all of them.
Every one they had.
Oh no.
Alright lads?
- You alright, Dad?
- You ready to look at some porn? (laughs)
- No.
- Before we get started, I just wanna say
the goal here isn't to be mean about
or belittle any of the women
in these magazines, just more comment on
the layout of them, the awful wording
that I know is inside.
How painfully British it all is.
- And the general nature of-
- The general nature of it.
I apologize if at any point we offend anyone
but we just...
I just have to know!
- I love this one, it's like,
"role-playing games with absolutely no limits!"
Okay, I cast Thunder!
- Okay, I explode.
- In my pussy? (they laugh)
- Have either of you ever opened a porn mag before?
- Yes. - I found one in a bush
when I was a kid. - You actually found one
in a bush? - I found a bush porn.
- Who puts them there?
(laughing)
- I mean, I feel like I should when we're done with these.
For the cycle of life. - To release them
into the wild! - Yeah. (laughs)
Ah, the contents page.
- There are boobies in this! - Oh no!
What if my mum sees this? (Thomas gasps)
The magazine for men which women love to read.
- I doubt that.
Oh, happy Father's Day!
(laughing)
Father's Day is a day to honor fathers
and father-figures, including grandfathers.
- What? - My grandad died.
- [Eddie] He'd want this.
- He wouldn't, my other grandad though,
he would've fucking loved this!
Right, what have we got here?
- You've ripped it, now we can't return it!
- No!
- Imagine returning a bunch of porn!
- Done! (laughs)
- Hope we're not getting Amazon delivery today. (laughs)
- Ooh! Okay, we've got some, I assume...
- Horoscopes. - Horoscopes!
(they laugh)
It's a red-hot month for Cancerians,
whether the sun is shining or not.
It always is, it's the sun. - Cancerians?
- Things get kinky on the 15th and 21st.
- What's today?
- What day is it!? - What day?
It's the 14th.
- You lads are safe. (laughing)
- Are you getting kinky tomorrow?
- Oh, you fucking know it, boys!
Best sex day, 23rd.
It didn't even say I could have sex on the 23rd.
Elliot, pamper yourself with some R&R
at the start of June, as later on
you'll need plenty of energy to deal
with all the pervy things the stars have lined up for you!
Wait, it says best sex day, 23rd.
(Elliot gasps)
Uh-oh!
(Elliot laughs)
We're gonna fuck, Elliot!
- Yeah!
- I'm getting a phone call.
Oh, no it's my vibrator.
- It's your mum! (laughs)
- We've heard!
- Hi, Mum, what's up?
Okay, well, I'm in the middle of something
so I'll call you after work.
I love you too, send my love to everyone.
So, don't worry, lads,
my grandad's funeral's not for a few weeks yet.
Don't have to call this video off.
- It's not on the 23rd, is it?
- It's not.
(laughing)
Libra.
With throbbing Mars at a sexy angle,
you can't just apply random adjectives to things!
And a trip away from home could turn out
to be a non-stop fuck fest!
By the end of the month, you'll hardly have
any energy to wank.
- I like how the women are also representing the star signs,
like, she's got crab claws! (laughs)
- They've just Photoshopped crab claws onto this woman.
The thing is, this is a whole page of ads,
and I just imagine it's one really busy woman
who has to figure out which character she is right now.
- She's got a hundred phones, like, "hello?
Yeah sure, I've got big tits. Hello?
Yeah, sure, I'm 54. Hello?"
- Cars! - Ooh, cars!
- I'm gonna fuck that car!
- Yes! Mustangs!
- Car break.
- This one's great.
Listen to Gran have a seriously hardcore fuck
on the phone.
Do you reckon they just,
you ring up and they just play some porn down the phone?
- Oh, is it like one of those
talk boards, you know? - I can only assume.
- Just press the right button at the time.
- Uh, ah yeah! - Ah, ah, ah.
- Hairy Mary!
- I wonder why they call her that?
(laughing)
- Well, Elliot.
If you look closely.
- Oh, she's got long hair.
- She's got long hair.
So, when I was growing up, I would see a lot of porn
and stuff that would be like, barely 18, barely legal!
And I was like, okay, sure, whatever, that's fine.
Now that I'm not a teenager anymore,
the older I'm getting, the more that upsets me.
Because it's like, 18's enough.
- Yeah. - That's fine.
I look at an 18 year-old now, as only a 27 year-old
and go, that's a young person.
They're young.
That person is still figuring shit out.
Why is, why?
- Why can't it be bears?
- Yeah!
- 18 bears!
- 18 bears. (laughs) - Yeah.
- Okay, so I'm gonna take on "Barely Eighteen"
what do you guys want?
We have...
- I'm not having the housewives!
- Eddie, "UK Housewives." - No!
- That was completely random.
- "UK Housewives" that looks like
the most offensively British.
- I don't want to meet Britain's most amorous granny!
- You're gonna.
This woman is so shocked to be taking her clothes off,
look at her.
(they all gasp)
- What's happening?!
Help!
Have you heard of the term, a danger wank?
It's the idea that, presumably you're at home,
in your parents' home,
and you're having a wank, and then you start
but as you start, you shout, "Mum, dad, come help!"
And it's a race! (laughs)
- The best case scenario is your parents walk in
on you just after cumming?
Has anyone ever heard of the thing called "the stranger"
where you sit on your hand until it goes numb
and then you- - Yeah.
- Yeah, you know what that is?
It's 10 seconds of, I don't enjoy this,
followed by, (screams)
- When the pins and needles kick in.
- Yeah, it's not a good system.
- Yeah, no, I tried and it's just like...
And that's just my cock.
(laughing)
- All of this porn is really sweet.
Like, it's all these really bubbly, nice girls, and, I just-
- You want the best for them.
- I do!
I do, I hope...
I hope they're alright.
- I just love to suck cock!
(laughing)
- You sure do, buddy.
(Eddie laughs)
What?
- Fucked up the fart pipe.
(laughing)
- Fuck!
- That's my new favorite word!
I've been strumming my clitoris all day long
and my knickers are totally drenched with juice.
- I've been strumming my clitoris!
- It's like- - What was that?
- That was a drum. - That was a drum?
- I feel obliged to phone, and like, stop!
Stop, you can stop now!
- Please, this was published four weeks ago,
I'm so tired!
Oh, no!
(laughing)
Why is she a clown? Why is she a clown?
Why is she a clown?
- [All] Oh!
- The clown's naked now.
- She's got cupcakes.
- She's got cupcakes over her,
no, those are Cherry Bakewells.
Know your food, you skinny prick.
You're going through this way too fast, Elliot.
- There's no text, it's all pussy!
(laughing)
- Okay, seriously.
I swear all of these confessionals
must be written by the same guy
whose run out of adjectives.
Because no real human would say,
"I'll just have to keep bashing away at my wet slot."
No real person would ever, ever say that!
- Do the other vowels work?
Slet?
- My wet slat.
That's the things in the bed
that I break from being heavy.
I've actually had to call up my bed supplier twice
to be like, "yeah I broke the slats again."
I like to pretend it's like, yeah, 'cause I'm fucking!
But it's like, no, I'm just heavy as shit, dude.
- I don't like what we're doing.
(laughing)
I don't like this.
- You mean you're calling it?
You're not having fun?
Well here you go, Elliot, have "Hustler."
- I'll get your gism spurting.
- My what?
- Your gism!
- My who?
- Is that my dog?
- Please don't! - Leave Gism alone!
I don't think I'd ever describe cum as hot.
- Yeah, I've never been- (Elliot yelps)
Ah, shit! Fuck!
- There's an ad to call every sex ad in this magazine.
- Can we do one where we call,
can we do a "Content" where I call sex lines? (laughs)
- Lose your nose up my filthy asshole.
Got your nose! (laughs)
(they scream)
(Thomas laughs)
- This one's great!
They've censored his dick, but it just looks like...
(laughing)
Just looks like a stick man penis now.
She's gonna shoot her vagina off if she's not careful.
Oh my God!
Put the gun...
- Don't do it, you have so much to live for!
- This is like a cowboy themed one
but she keeps just putting the gun to her chin,
in her mouth.
I think she's literally crying for help.
- It is a cry for help.
- It's time!
- Can we pause because I really need to piss.
- Mate. - Sure you do.
- "Piss..." - I really need to,
I'm bringing these!
(laughing)
- Now we get to the reason I wanted to make this video.
And I'm dead serious.
I wanted to make this video
because this corner shop I've been going to
near my house, pretty much since I moved into that house
nearly four years ago, there has been one magazine
always right there on the shelves,
it's the first thing my eyes landed on,
and I was just tired of seeing it.
Every other magazine here was published this month.
This fucker, however,
"Vintage 60s" has been on that shelf since 2015.
And it's gotta go.
If it means I have to buy it to get it off that shelf,
so be it.
- You're doing the world a service.
- Beverly, wait a minute,
that's Beverly from the cover!
You're the woman that's been staring at me for three years!
That's the woman, officer.
- And that's her vagina.
- Oh, it is!
My spunk splattered all over her boobs,
and as the endless stream of liquid shot from my cock,
she massaged it all over her body,
licking the remains from her fingers.
Thanks, Robbie from Swansea.
- Robbie got a shout-out.
(laughing)
- Welcome to "Content", Robbie!
- And there she goes.
- May we never meet again, Beverly.
Hold on, there's an unnecessary comma there.
"His still," comma, "erect cock."
- So, it was motionless?
- Very... - Both still and erect.
It wasn't still erect, it was still, erect cock.
Oh, his poor, sad penis!
- Shag the cum!
(laughing)
- Oh! This is so sad!
"Ivy spends all day in bed touching herself." Okay.
"Since she lost her job last year."
I'm really sorry, guys.
- This is really bad, I don't like this.
- Mmm, let yourself in my house
and come upstairs and fuck me until I am sore.
I mean, I don't wanna be ageist
but I feel like it wouldn't take much to make her sore.
- I mean, just the walk up the stairs might do it!
(laughing)
- I'm done. I don't wanna read any more.
- Sad now.
- Yeah.
I'm feeling, wow, yeah, I feel unhappy.
(he sighs)
Yep.
(upbeat electronic music)