There are more stories out there to talk about.
And to help me talk through them,
I've brought in some friends.
Please, welcome Atsuko Okatsuka, Rosebud
Baker, and Bob the Drag Queen.
[cheering]
OK.
Is there a camera there?
Oh, my god.
So, hi, Chelsea.
Hi, Atsuko. How are you?
I'm good.
Let's talk stories.
[laughter]
Well, we have some stories.
We have one of the Kardashians, Kourtney,
who's the most, I guess, untouched one,
I would say, right?
Kourtney is coming out with a vaginal gummy.
So you take the--
I'm confused about whether you put the gummy in your mouth
or straight directly into your Pikachu.
But it's supposed to improve the smell
and taste of your Pikachu, and then it tastes like pineapple.
So that's-- I don't know if that's even
possible to put a gummy.
I wouldn't even want that flavor.
I would want, like, Arctic blast, you know?
Yeah.
Something minty fresh.
Something that's going to surprise some people.
Here's my issue.
What have you like the original taste?
Instead of a gummy that makes your [bleep] tastes
like pineapples, I want a seasoning that makes
my salad taste like [bleep].
[cheering]
- I hear you. - I know.
That's empowerment.
I'm sick of products like this.
I'm just like, just hold your nose and go down on me.
Just shut up.
Grow up.
Also, first of all, just a regular shower
will do it most of the time.
You know what I mean?
We don't have to get fancy with this.
Hey, OK, I think I'm the only one that's like, I need this.
[laughter]
OK, hold on.
Also, they know this.
It makes it taste better for-- can you imagine?
There was a taste tester.
Right?
There was a person at their company
being like, no, no, no, more vitamin C, more pineapple.
You know what I mean?
Nice work if you can get it.
I mean, the line outside for that job is like--
- I know. - Let me tell you.
It's not that long.
[laughs] I feel like you have-- you want something
to check, make an issue--
like Travis Scott with a check or Travis-- what's his name--
Barker.
We have to check back in to find out if it works in, like,
six to eight weeks. See what he says about it.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, he seems like he's so in love with her,
he doesn't care what kind of smell or taste
is coming out of any orifice.
Those two are, like, inside of each other
every time you see them on TV.
If they come out with a Dave's hot chicken version,
I really want to be on the testing run though.
I also already do this.
I already eat my yogurt with fruit.
So this time-- this whole time I could have been
doing it on the other end too.
[laughter]
I've been doing it for free, Kourtney.
Whitney Houston is releasing a new album.
I'm confused by this.
This keeps happening.
Tupac did this.
He started this trend, people releasing
albums after they die.
I think Beethoven's releasing something next week too.
[laughter]
Yeah.
I thought ABBA was releasing because they
were nominated for the Grammys this past week.
And I was like, ABBA?
I thought they had crossed over as well.
I didn't realize that they're still alive and well.
You immediately cross over.
[laughter]
Are you Theresa Caputo?
There's someone.
There's an artist from the other side.
I thought they had passed on.
So it's a gospel album with six
previously unreleased songs.
So it will be new material.
Again, very surprising.
Yeah, it's called Go to the Rock.
And I was like, honestly, I was ready
for her, like, lesbian pride album
called Go to the Cubbyhole.
[laughter]
That's the one I-- one of the songs
sounds like a lesbian pride song.
One of the songs is called--
[laughs] it's called, "Hold on, Help
Is on the Way," which is a story about a lesbian helping
a gay guy kill a spider.
[laughter]
I think Go to the Rock is a great name for, like,
Hunter Biden's book.
[laughter]
There was a Japanese--
in a Japanese zoo, they figured out that a female monkey
got pregnant despite being separated
from all the male monkeys.
So when they investigated this situation,
they found a hole in the wall.
And so this is the first ever monkey glory hole, I guess.
[laughter]
And now the couple is living together,
and they're going to raise their baby
when they have the baby.
See, that's where they messed up.
That's where they messed up because I feel
like she should be so lucky.
Like, we should all be so lucky.
Most of us have to get pregnant watching a man [bleep]..
[laughter]
As soon as I heard a monkey got pregnant in the room
by itself, I was like, I promise you
Nick Cannon visited that zoo.
I believe anyone with anything with a uterus
within 100 square yards of Nick Cannon will get pregnant.
I promise you.
Every unwanted pregnancy should
be blamed on Nick Cannon from here on out, right?
I think these monkeys sound fun.
Like, so in confinement, they found a hole.
I mean, and I heard the other monkey was a different, like,
kind of monkey too.
Interracial monkey porn.
Yes, interracial love.
Are we for it?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Yes, we are!
Yeah.
Thank you guys for being here so much.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you for having us.