(audience chattering)
(audience cheers)
- I am obsessed with the great conspiracy
of the gay agenda, because we are not literally
just trying to fucking live over here.
There is an agenda.
We meet in secret.
There is a grand ulterior motive to not
just fit in with society, but violently overthrow it,
and some straight people really love to fantasize
about this nightmare dimension
where everything they love has been turned gay,
all of their culture, their hobbies,
their interests, and we won't stop until
their traditions have been violently queered.
And I started imagining this
and got quite excited, to be honest.
It seems kind of fun.
Something that's very trendy at the moment is
this AI art generator, you know,
the thing that everybody's talking about.
If you don't, basically there is
some terrifying, all-powerful AI
that searches every image on the internet.
You type something in, and it will just make it,
which is a wonderful insight into the future.
For example, I gave it something practically impossible,
it just never existed in the world,
which was Dan Howell actually experiencing happiness
for the first time.
Have any of you seen this haunted image?
(audience laughs)
Jump scare warning.
What did the AI imagine?
Bam.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that's fucking terrifying, isn't it?
If that's happiness, I'll just stay fucking depressed,
thank you very much.
Clearly it cannot do faces,
'cause my eyes have been replaced with generic orifices
of some kind.
I've got a laser-pointer, by the way,
which is incredibly camp.
The bottom-left is just existential terror.
I love that; it's very authentic.
But you see how this works.
So I have prepared a list of the core pieces
of straight culture, and using the power
of the AI, we will see what would happen
to them when the gays win World War Five, okay?
All right, so the first one is sport,
and I know what you're thinking,
oh, Dan, gay people can do sport,
but I mean like sport, you know what I mean?
But what would it look like if
all the sport, one day, turned gay?
Bap.
(audience laughs)
Right.
So we've immediately learned something,
which is that this smart AI
that will define the future of humanity seems
to think that the diversity of queer experience is
just white men in Speedos,
and it doesn't matter what sport they're doing,
they are in the Speedos, even if it's very impractical.
But they all look like they're having fun.
Is there any actual sport happening in these images?
We have a man here just pulling his own face off.
That's kinda cool.
What, no, there is a ball, people.
Well, actually, there's a lot of balls going on there,
but I don't know what.
That looks like a good time.
If this is sport in the future,
I might do exercise.
I like the idea of that.
Next, we have gay beer.
That is right, smelly water for boys
because they are afraid of flavor.
But no, gay beer.
What would it look like?
Bam.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
I think we're learning something about the AI here.
This is pretty fricking weird.
We might need to keep an eye on this
for nudity purposes, because, (hums)
bit sussy going on there.
You guys at the front, you're on penis watch, okay?
Just yell, "Close your eyes!" if we see something.
But that looks, I'm into that.
Okay, next up.
Gay Old Testament God.
(audience laughs) Yeah, so Jesus is great.
Jesus loves you.
Jesus is woke as fuck.
Old Testament God, he does not care.
He will smite a bitch for literally no reason.
He is petty, he wants blood, and now he's gay, bam.
(audience laughs)
That is just drugged Jesus dancing.
So in the top, he's got, that is a vibe in the corner there.
He's like busting that whole vogue thing.
I just went like that.
That's the Macarena.
I am a terrible homosexual.
But hey, that's going, good for you, God.
We love that for you.
Next one, lines.
Very straight, traditionally straight thing.
But oh, no, the queers have come.
What did you do to the lines?
Bap. (audience laughs)
Why?
What the fuck do topless men have to do with lines?
Oh, sorry, is there a penis alert?
Let me take, wait, look, oh!
At some point, we can no longer film this for YouTube, okay?
I don't think I've got the cabaret license,
so this might just get pulled.
No, wait, I think there's no visible penis.
It's just a nub.
Okay, just a nub, guys.
Is this a look?
This is a Ken doll situation.
It's all fine.
We've got some kind of new pride flag
in the corner over there,
if anyone wants to invent a sexuality for that.
But otherwise, oh, no, a man with a leg coming
out of his asshole, erupting into his own head.
Great, that's what we did to lines.
Next, gender reveal parties.
(audience gasps)
Truly the most cursed heterosexual tradition.
Why not just have a baby shower
when you could light off some pyrotechnics
and burn down a forest
or give your child weird expectations.
But oh, no, we're coming.
What did we do?
Okay.
There seems just to be a lack of people.
I guess we killed everyone that was
at every gender reveal party.
The balloons are just trans now.
We took 'em over.
That's pretty cool.
Oh, no, wait, wait.
There is one person right there, with no face.
There's a lot of "Haunting" liminal energy
in these, isn't there?
That is the last person in 2077
that identifies as a woman, right there.
That's actually J. K. Rowling.
(shrieks) Jump scare.
Jump scare, no, run.
All right, next one.
Minions.
(audience gasps)
The familiar of everyone's problematic aunt on Facebook.
You will get sent a "Minions" Christmas card,
and you don't know why.
Now, I don't know what's going to appear for this one.
I just want you to be emotionally prepared
for yellow penis.
Okay, here we go.
Aw, that's wholesome.
That does not look any different.
That's just a bunch of minions.
Wait, were minions gay the whole time?
Do we claim them?
Are they welcome?
Okay, minions, come on in.
You're welcome.
That's very nice.
Ah, the missionary position, yes.
They don't know any better, guys just uncomfortable,
unclimaxable gyrating, and--
(audience member laughs)
Where's Google Images for this?
You know what I mean?
All right, let's just dive in.
Oh. (audience laughs)
Whoo.
Like the Mormon missionary position.
All right, and they're all gay.
I love that for them.
This is wholesome as heck.
This is like hot stuff for 10 years later, isn't it?
This is pretty good.
The ones in the middle look like
they're about to have a fistfight,
but I think I've seen that scene before,
and that's not how it ends.
No, but good for you, guys.
And the next one, gay showers.
Now, I'm not just trying to show you filth.
Straight boys, they don't have baths, do they?
I mean that's just scary, being comfortable and relaxing.
It's not right.
Are you, you have to jump up,
and if there's a schlong, just dive for the screen, okay?
(Daniel winces)
Wait, wait.
Assessment, assessment, assessment, assess.
We're safe.
Okay.
Wait, no, we do have a nipple-tweak in the top-right.
There's a nub in the top-left.
Dangerous, but okay.
Thank you.
All right, well, I'm gonna say this.
I'm fed up with the exclusion.
There are gay girls, okay?
And yet the porn industry seems
to have just ruined this.
Do you wanna see a lesbian shower?
(audience shouts in the affirmative)
Okay.
Are you sure you wanna see a lesbian shower?
All right. (audience shouts)
Do you think the images that
it has sourced will have been taken
from the female gays?
- [Audience] No!
- No, they won't have, will they?
Uh-oh, here we go.
Wait, wait, boob check, boob check.
What are you awing?
Is that like, aw, happy romance,
or where's the vagina?
Both?
Okay.
Well, this is not, they're all just having a good time.
The one on the right there seems
to have absorbed the other lesbian.
She has now evolved to become the apex lesbian.
Watch out, she will get you.
Okay, next one, gay Putin.
Yes, Vladimir Putin.
He does not like homosexuals.
He's made that abundantly clear,
which is weird, because I feel
like Russia is quite inherently gay.
I don't know if you like gymnastics,
doping, being cold, weird hats.
It's incredibly gay.
And now what would happen if his nightmare comes true?
(Daniel winces)
That's just fucking horrible, isn't it?
Yeah, I find myself wondering if the AI
just can't do human faces
or if that's just how fucked up Putin looks all the time.
But let's just take a moment to
just think about how much that would upset him.
Aw, we did it.
Wonderful.
Next one.
This is the last one.
I typed gay gigantic penis.
Now, I don't know whether
this is necessarily straight or gay.
I will be honest with you.
I just wanted to see what the AI did
with gigantic penis.
So you're just going like that at me.
It's a slideshow.
It's too late.
I can't, look, we're in this now.
I'm gonna press this button,
and then you are gonna see,
yeah, you are, you're gonna see gay, gigantic penis.
Are you ready to go down the rabbit hole together?
I apologize for nothing.
It's been nice seeing you, good night, here we go.
Oh, wait, wait.
Okay.
(audience laughs)
So there's absolutely a turd in the bottom-left,
for some reason.
But, but I actually think
there is no specifically graphic penis.
Okay, we got away...
We got some art here,
and we've got a purple penis astral projecting
in front a pride flag.
I love that.
Well, there we go.
Okay, what a mistake. (audience applauds)
Mmm.
Yeah, no, if that's the future that liberals want,
we need to stop right now.
(ominous music)