Three, two, one.
-Morning, Otis! -Good morning, Eric.
And good morning, students,
and welcome to your Moordale's News update,
with me, Eric Effiong.
And joining us in the studio today is my best friend, Otis Milburn.
Still not totally sure why we're doing this.
'Cause we are the right people to get this job done!
Otis!
Really good chai.
Good morning. I mean, time for our headline news
from last year at Moordale,
where we welcomed several new and old faces back into school.
I think I just had a very small orgasm.
-Are you Vivienne Odusanya? -Yeah, that's me.
Hey, Body Slammer, what are you doing here?
It's good to be back in business.
Please give Ms. Milburn a very warm welcome.
And I'm here to start an open conversation
about S-E-X.
But with new people came new problems.
You can come in, but we're not gonna pretend everything's okay.
-'Cause it's not. -Otis!
I'm sorry!
You finally get a girlfriend, and she's basically your sister.
-Then I flipped it anti-clockwise. -So you DJ-ed on her vag.
Is that orange story really necessary?
Is it necessary to get onto a Ferris wheel with your best friend
and leave him alone because you don't like simulated danger? No!
But here we are.
The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
I would like to be your boyfriend, Rahim.
Last term, we saw some students begin new hobbies.
-Such as Maeve Wiley… -You're our new Quiz Head!
Jackson Marchetti starring in the school play…
-That's not my thing. -But you're acting all the time.
…after an injury at the gym.
Her maid art far more fair than she.
Yes, the smell of fresh cake would soon fill the hallways of Moordale.
But then I was on the bus, and a guy wanked on my leg.
-Come on, let's go to the police. -She got sexually assaulted.
-We're probably wasting your time. -You're not wasting anyone's time.
-Sorry, I fart when I'm scared. -Okay.
Take your time.
Try to remember.
And what's a term at Moordale without a few surprises?
I'm a pansexual, apparently.
I liked you back and I got scared, so I didn't tell you how I felt.
That's not fair! I have a girlfriend.
I have to go and do homework.
You should wash your hands, you dirty pig.
I didn't do a poo.
-I was crying. -Anyway!
-Where were we? -Good question.
I am, in fact, lost, as some of us were, in more ways than one.
I was wondering whether you could tell me
where you got that shade of lipstick from.
Didn't realize we had to read it out loud, so I got embarrassed.
Actually, I'm gonna walk. I'm enjoying walking at the moment.
It's so evaporating.
And if there's one thing I learned from playing video games alone,
-it's that everything ends. -Very true, Otis.
Last term we saw several things come to blows.
Something that you wouldn't know about,
because you're too busy pretending to have feelings for your girlfriend,
when everyone knows that you're actually in love with me.
I'm really sorry, Otis.
You're not ready for the kind of intimacy I'm looking for.
As well as a fucking massive house party at none other than Otis Milburn's!
It was only meant to be a small thing with a roast chicken.
Don't mention roast chicken.
-I'm gonna cook a roast chicken. -Don't cook a roast chicken!
To be honest with you, I can't remember most of my party.
I think that's probably for the best.
As I chose to remember, it was relatively drama-free.
Excuse me, everyone!
Maeve Wiley just likes playing with people's feelings,
and she doesn't care about anyone else.
She brought this man with her, probably just here to make me jealous.
-Definitely didn't work. -Definitely did.
I think she's probably the most selfish person I've ever met.
I think you should go.
-I live here. -I don't care.
I don't think we can be friends anymore.
I think I'm bisexual.
You can't keep on hurting yourself.
Those scars make you special, and you and I are properly special.
Things really took a turn for the worse the next day,
and I'm not just talking about Otis's stomach.
Good morning.
You tell anyone about this, I'll destroy your life.
Calm down!
"Miss Sands loves doing dirty talk with Mr. Hendricks."
-That is amazing! -Amazing.
What did Jean do?
-It wasn't me. -Well, well.
Here we are.
-You don't know anything about me. -You don't know anything about me!
Stop fighting over a stupid boy!
-Aimes, why are you crying? -Because I can't get on the bus.
What binds you together?
Other than non-consensual penises, Miss, not much.
But if there's one thing I learned from my junkyard visits,
it's that if something's broken, break it some more.
Because we're all kind of broken parts, aren't we?
I love you, too.
We're all getting the bus.
Yes, the girls made it back to school, where all was well.
But at home, things were a little rocky, to say the least.
Why am I wearing these glasses, Eric?
-Fine, put them down. -I look like--
A Caucasian, young Trevor McDonald.
My mother found out I had been giving
unqualified sex advice to students at school, for money.
Which does sound quite bad, now that I say it out loud.
I'd always warned you against it, but here we are.
Why do I always end up pissing everyone off?
As the primary carer in your life, I always get your worst,
and I'm tired of it.
Need to report a child at risk.
I'm divorcing your father.
-Would you like some mango? -Was thinking I could come back to school.
Parents, eh?
But alas! It was time for the school play.
A penis-themed version of Shakespeare's classic,
Romeo and Juliet.
Cut that out.
As well as the Quiz Heads final, which was broadcast live on television.
Like us right now!
-What's with the rogue "R"? -I had an extra cupcake.
-George Eliot. -Hey, Maeve,
I know you can't answer this right now.
I can announce that our NSQC UK champions of the year…
The Quiz Heads!
While the Quiz Heads celebrated their victory,
everyone else was here at Moordale for the play.
My mum seemed a little distracted, not totally sure why.
But probably just still upset about her breakup.
You're pregnant, Jean.
I wanted to apologize for making things difficult between you and my mum.
You have to let the people you love know that you love them.
-Why? -Because you're alive.
We soon took our seats and prepared for an erotic voyage
to the planet Verona.
Eric Effiong, I have something to say to you.
Will you hold my hand?
The evening ended with a very embarrassing display
from Mr. Groff,
who tried to accuse my mum of ruining the school.
Stop the show! Stop!
You have all been corrupted by this woman!
Mr. Groff, I know your wife has left you and you've been sleeping at the school.
You're clearly not coping very well and you need to take some time off.
-I'm fine. -It's not a request.
You will take leave as of today.
And that brings us towards the end of the year.
It should be celebrated in one way.
Hugs! Come here, Oatcake!
All of this and more to be continued this year at Moordale.
I think I might be ready for a hug.
-Adam, this is my mum and my sisters. -Lovely to meet you, Adam.
Let's be mates.
Move that!
I missed you.
How do I get you to not be angry at me anymore?
I'm not angry, Otis. I'm disappointed.
You telling me you had feelings for me was all I wanted to hear,
and I love you. I hope it's not too late.
Message deleted.
-I'm Eric Effiong. -And I'm Otis Milburn.
Thank you.
Oh, all right, I'll just-- Yeah. That's okay.
So nice.