(click) Welcome students and staff, these are your morning announcements.
Thank you all for engaging in the lockdown yesterday.
There was a bank robber lose in the area, but police have assured me
that.... Mr. Nelson the Physics teacher has been apprehended.
(sigh) Ms. Jansen, Mr. Carlisle and Ms. Anita are still on the loose but um... (email sound)
(multiple emails coming in)
No! Staff, there's no reward.
Geesh, got a school full of snitches
I'd also like to take this chance to properly apologize to the band students after
last night's football game. Turns out requiring tuba players to wear masks
was a terrible idea.
Although the irony of having eight children black out during "I'm Still Standing"
is not lost on me, I do regret the decision.
On the same note, I will no longer be allowing plastic face shields at
sporting events either.
The baton twirlers looking up and catching the glare of the field lights
resulted in twelve girls needing stiches.
Again, the irony of it being during the song "Blinding Lights" is also not lost....
But regrettable.
Students, I would like to remind you to keep those windows down on the school bus
as it is covid protocol.
Yes, I am aware that it is -12 out and snowing but
frostbite is much less deadly than covid.
This falls under the districts new "Fresh Air over Five Fingers" policy.
Staff, I want to thank you for all you do.
I have placed donuts just outside my office and I ask
that you come down calmly and quietly during your planning period....
and.... (violent shaking)
What?!
They're gone?! Already!?
You heathens!
Teachers, good news!
The district has provided vaccinations now available in the nurses office.
Now, according to the memo we do not have enough for every staff member, so...
they have decided to implement a competition based on student test scores.
The call the new promotion, "ICU or I See A's"
Students with the highest scoring classes get to see their teacher shake the constant fear...
now the student with the best test score even gets to give the shot themselves!
I'm positive this will work!
I even have our valedictorian here to kick things off. Go ahe....
Look, I get that she was trying to make a Tik Tok, I just think that somebody should have
warned me that she was trying to administer a shot in selfie mode.
Test proctors, gentle reminder that you are not to directly wake
students that fall asleep during a test.
Proper protocol is to check your email
and upon reading all the development that we have scheduled for this summer
your horrific screams of frustration should wake the student on their own.
I'd like to remind teachers that you must stay at school until
the end of your contract time.
These past two days I have had dozens of teachers attempting
to beat the school busses out of the parking lot....
after they dropped of the students... in the morning!
Teachers. Grades are due.
Simple reminder from the district that we are not to forget that during
the pandemic students cannot earn less than 1 point below
the highest grade they have ever received dating all the way back to PreK
no matter what their attendance or their completion record may be.
I am confident in our students that they will step up and....
hmm what?
All of the students just left campus?
All of them? Are they coming back?
(whispers) I shouldn't have made that public.
Just an advisory from the Fire Marshall, there are to be no
appliances plugged in within the classroom.
Teachers, think about it. If we all plugged in a microwave
in each of our classes and then we ran it, we would overload
the circuits, possibly start a fire and burn down the school.
I mean who, possibly, could want tha... (electronic surge)