oh being single is the worst you guys it
really is i know it's cliche to talk
about but it's very difficult to be
single right now like since the breakup
um i've been stood up on three different
first dates by three different men yeah
it's not even made up for the joke it's
real um
and it's tough yeah i know i think the
hardest part about that for me though is
just not knowing how those men died you
know like what
happened to that
is it a grease fire some sort of animal
attack it's the not knowing that hurts
the most you know
[Applause]
nothing triggered me like being single
being single was my ultimate trigger
you just be out with your man doing
regular [ __ ]
you just so happen to pass me in home
goods
now i'm triggered by the fact that you
as a couple are buying bathroom [ __ ] you
know
and i'm fully triggered by your whole
relationship like oh that's cute that's
cute y'all buying bathroom stuff that's
cute he lets you decorate your cage
[Music]
better now better now
in a relationship long distance i don't
like them to get too close too fast
it's it's just like i'm not mad about
being divorced i'm just mad that i'm
single and 37 it's not fun anymore
you guys all seem pretty young as you
get older the good people they go away
and dating at this age
it's
it feels like i'm in a town that got
evacuated
and i was in the bathroom that's what it
feels like
where did everybody go
dating in your 30s and 40s is really
like shopping at marshalls that's what
it's like
there's been a lot of returns
things have been worn before
[Laughter]
sometimes you think you found something
you like you're like oh this sweater's
kind of nice and you're like oh man it
cries when we
that's not good
i'm single which i've always been single
i was born that way and uh
it's it suits me i'm fine with most the
time i'm okay and then there are times
it's like i want a boyfriend like i just
moved
and the whole time like it would be nice
to like have a man like during this
um i got the boxes i just want to have
sex again
it's uh i'm missing romance i realized
it hit me in the weirdest place i was
walking down the street the other day
and a tree branch just slapped me in the
face like really hard
it was like embarrassing i was like whoa
but at some point in the slappage it
just slowly brushed the hair
behind my ear
and i
twice so i think that maybe
[Applause]
i shouldn't do ecstasy at that outdoor
music festival this summer i think i'm
gonna take that off the docket
because i just agree
that's where i'm at
i'm single
which is confusing
no it's not
[Applause]
because i have boobs big enough for each
of them to have their own boyfriend
[Applause]
if you want big titties go to church
that's what i did
these jesus came from jesus you're
welcome listen
cause i get real confuses i'm like men
love titties
and they love a big ass i have both of
those
so i'm like all right
two plus two equals married
yeah it's weird to get up in the morning
and be beautiful and it's then gonna be
like what's happening
and the shit's hitting me real hard
cause i'm in my 30s don't tell my
manager i'm in my 30s
and my best friend she tried to warm me
she's like listen when you turn 30 your
body's gonna freak out and i was like
last [ __ ] lies
and then i turned 30
then my biological clock went from
snooze to european techno
[Applause]
so now every time i see a child i just
hear pam pam have a baby bran it's
awesome bat it'll love you wait a minute
i have things to do today okay
are there any women here in their 20s
[Music]
all right
let me talk to y'all for a second
because uh
nobody told me you have to listen to me
i'm a black woman that's why oprah's a
billionaire okay you have to listen to
me
oak is the only reason white women read
let's talk about that so
i need to tell you something because
nobody tried to warn me and i didn't
want to listen nobody told me so i'm
trying to help y'all i want y'all to
know
you've never been horny before
i'm telling you
right now they didn't tell me all right
you know what that silence is every
woman in her 30s going tell these
[ __ ] the truth
nobody told me
because i don't want to have sex i want
a mate that's a completely different
part of your phone okay
you don't think i didn't walk in here
and figure out at least five dudes i
want to bang before this special's over
you're crazy hi sir i'm not kidding
what up green shirt this is not a joke
single currently but i think it's okay
because i think there's times in your
life where you got to focus on you your
studies your pursuits what have you but
there is a time
limit you get to a point where you start
you start to question you're like
where's what's up with my soul mate
what's up with true love is this gonna
pan out
and then you get to another point where
you start to doubt you're like what's
the point what's the point of trying
what's the point of going out wasting my
money what's the point of pants and
hygiene
and and i realized not only have i given
up on the dream i gave up in my dreams
it's disturbing but imagine right i'm
asleep i'm having a fantasy room full of
beautiful ladies somewhere and i'm there
looking incredibly handsome doing all
the right things making eye contact
being all rude and sexy
and right when i'm about to make my move
right when i'm about to go in for the
kill i'm like man
i'm just gonna fly home on my dragon to
go masturbate in my castle
oh where my single ladies at
why is that
always the response when people ask sex
like i'm a single lady
i've been a single lady for a very long
time and
woo
is never how it's felt
it has never felt that way like
you guys should get more honest time to
answer that so you can just be like hey
where are my single ladies at
well i'm here um
yeah my friend said to come i didn't
want to she was like maybe you'll meet
someone and i've been here for like 10
minutes and i know i'm not going to and
i want to go home like
it should be a longer answer it's never
woo you never i've never been home
alone on like a friday night eating thai
food cleaning out the litter box
watching like my ninth lawn order going
whoa
yes
my life
sucks being single at 29 because it's
like
you know which way do i go
do i go older
or younger
right like i know 18 to 22 i know that's
done
i can't fight in that weight class
anymore
i just i can't compete
18 to 22 year old girls live different
lives
they get things for being young and hot
they're like i want to be on a boat then
they're on a boat like that [ __ ] just
happened
it just
just manifests
what's france like and they lived there
for three months rent paid
very frustrating
i just think i'm at a different stage in
my life
i think right now i'd rather just try to
bang a 47 year old mother of three that
could tell me what zeppelin's like live
like that's what i want
[Applause]
i just want people
to be happy i feel like we can be happy
if we get out of our own way
like i
i have friends
who are
dating trying to date in new york and
stuff and
especially my female friends will
talk to me about their troubles trying
to dating like metropolitan city trying
to dating the age of the apps
and everything and i even had one friend
she came to me
with this list and it was the list of
everything that she wanted in a guy you
know and i told her honestly because i
care about her
i need you to take that list and throw
it in the trash all right
burn it if you have to if that will help
you forget the memory
[Applause]
i'll tell you right now there's only
three things
there's only three attributes
that you could hope for in a guy
that you're gonna make a partner
there's only three
you need to pick two okay
you need to pick two of those three
whichever two you can live with
and move on because you're not gonna get
all three
i hate it for you but it's not gonna
happen
i'll go over them right now
there's good dick
good person
got his [ __ ] together you need to pick
two of those three
whichever two work for you
[Applause]
and move on
and if he has one leave
don't let a one ruin your life
just one
i honestly i have friends complaining to
me about their ones and i'm falling
asleep listening to the story because
it's just boring it's like well you told
me you had one to begin with so
what are we really talking about
if he's just a good person
doesn't have good dick
doesn't have a [ __ ] together
just a good person
that's a friend like that's
y'all can hang out on the weekends go to
museums i don't know why you're trying
to force more you know
if he's just good dick
just a good dick
not a good person
doesn't have a [ __ ] together
just good dick
that's literally a dildo that's what a
dildo
it's fun
why are you stressing make a mold of his
dick in his sleep and leave
[Laughter]
nobody puts their vibrator back in the
drawer like even got my birthday like
it's not going to happen if you're
treated like what it's for
because you're not going to get all
three
and i hate it for you i really do
sincerely
and every time i have this conversation
with with my friends
sometimes they they get upset not every
time sometimes they do get upset and
they're like no
no he has all three no
[Music]
no he has all three i know it
i feel it i feel it here and here and
here no
he has all three
if you really think he has all three
he's gonna kill you all right
that is a murderer putting on a facade
okay
[Applause]
i'm sure all 33 women thought ted bundy
had all three you know
saying like no it's ted it's just nice
you know it's just nice to meet a guy
that like has his [ __ ] together as a
lawyer and everything and like knows how
to knows his way around the bedroom
knows how to listen why are you looking
me like that oh like that's
how it went every time
you you want to know what bothers me
what really upsets me
it even scares me a little bit
i don't know which two i am
[Applause]
[Laughter]
because i don't get to decide you know
that's another person's decision about
me
i'm scared i'm gonna be laying back with
my girl years from now right years from
now just laying back we're talking about
this and i lean over to her
and i'm like i'm
i'm a good dick and a good person right
[Music]
and she's like you have a great job all
right
[Applause]
you