In October 2016,
my husband and I accepted Almighty God's salvation in the last days
while we were abroad.
After that, I frequently attended meetings with brothers and sisters to read God's words,
share our experiences and understanding of His words,
and sing hymns in praise of God.
I felt that life spent with the Church was full of joy, and I really enjoyed it.
A few months passed in the blink of an eye,
and the brothers and sisters had all grown in life to varying degrees.
Especially Sister Wang, who joined us in belief only recently,
experienced rapid growth.
Whether it was through prayer,
or the sharing of experiences and understanding of God's words,
she seemed to possess more light than us.
Her fellowship was also clear and methodical.
All the brothers and sisters said she was of good caliber,
and she progressed quickly.
At first, I really admired her,
and I would often say to my brothers and sisters after a meeting:
"Not only are Sister Wang's prayers and fellowship methodical,
but she also understands very well.
She also is able to seek God's will when she encounters an issue."
But after a while, I started to feel unhappy.
I would think: "Why does everyone praise her but not me?
Have I not grown at all?
Is there something wrong with my fellowship?"
I gradually developed feelings of dissatisfaction with Sister Wang,
and I began to see her as a rival.
I thought inside, "You can fellowship about God's words, and so can I.
Eventually I'll surpass you."
I even came up with schemes:
I will save the portions of understanding and light that I usually find in God's words,
and only share it when everyone is there.
Thus they'll all see that I can also experience His work,
and that I can share practical understanding.
From then on, I would read God's words whenever I could,
and I would write down all the insight I gained from His words into a notebook.
When it was time for a meeting,
I would carefully sift through the insights
and find a way to share them in a clear and organized manner,
and as methodical as Sister Wang's insight.
I didn't understand why,
but the more I wanted to show off in front of my brothers and sisters,
the more I made a fool of myself.
As soon as it was time for my fellowship,
I couldn't clear my mind.
Instead my words would come out in a jumble.
I couldn't explain clearly the perspectives I wanted to articulate,
and gatherings became embarrassing for me.
At that time, my mind would be agitated and I couldn't focus.
I didn't feel as close to my sister as I had before.
I began to feel that the gatherings started bringing me a certain kind of stress,
and I could not free my heart.
Then one day, I told my husband what I was thinking:
"I've recently seen that in gatherings,
Sister Wang's communications are better than mine.
I've been feeling really uneasy …"
But before I finished speaking,
my husband looked at me closely, and then he told me this:
"Sister Wang's fellowship is good, and this helps us.
We should thank God for this.
Isn't your uneasiness just jealousy?"
His words were like a slap in the face.
I quickly shook my head and denied it:
"No, that's not it. I'm not like that."
Then he said: "Our brothers and sisters have all benefited in some way
from Sister Wang's fellowship.
If hearing it makes you uneasy,
aren't you just jealous that she's more capable than you?"
My husband's words pierced my heart once again.
I felt very upset.
Am I really this awful?
I felt very wronged and was on the verge of tears.
I said to him, "Don't say anymore.
I need to calm down and think through it for myself!"
After that, surprisingly,
my husband told Sister Liu, a leader in the church, about what I had said.
He wanted Sister Liu to help me.
I confronted him about speaking to her without checking with me first.
How could I show my face to our brothers and sisters after that?
If they knew about my jealousy, wouldn't they look down on me?
The more I thought about it, the more upset I became,
but avoiding reality won't help with anything.
I prayed, "Oh God! What should I do?"
The next day, I was examining what I had revealed recently.
Brothers and sisters would usually share their enlightenment and understanding
that they gain from God's words with anyone at any time,
but I only shared mine to show off during our gatherings.
I wanted to talk about things that my brothers and sisters didn't know
so they could look up to me.
When I saw that other brothers and sisters fellowshiped better than I did,
I felt uneasy and wanted to do better than them.
I used to think that I was easygoing
and didn't tend to fuss over every little thing,
that I was good and simple at heart.
I never dared believe that I could be jealous of someone,
or that I was even capable of secretly comparing and competing against someone else.
How could I have become that kind of person?
Around midday, I called a sister
to ask her if she ever felt jealous during gatherings
when she heard other brothers' and sisters' communions were better than hers.
She said she didn't.
She also said: "If our brothers and sisters share their insights well,
it is only beneficial for us.
I really enjoy it, and it only makes me happy."
Hearing her say this made me feel even worse,
and only then did I realize how strong my jealousy was.
I wept and prayed to God:
"Oh God! I don't want to be jealous,
but every time I hear this sister's amazing fellowship,
I can't help but be jealous of her.
I've felt disturbed and bound by this all day,
and I really don't know what I should do.
God, please help me free my heart of jealousy …"
Later, the church leader, Sister Liu, came to see me.
She read a couple of passages of God's words that were relevant to my condition.
She also read from Sermons and Fellowship on Entry into Life:
"So are those who are jealous of others narrow-minded people? …
Some people say: 'Sometimes I can't overcome it.
As soon as I encounter someone better than me,
I feel jealous and angry.
As soon as I see that person, I even feel like I can't go on living.
to make me more generous in spirit, more magnanimous,
to live like humans so that You are not ashamed of me.'
This is how you should pray.
A narrow-minded person lives constantly in pain and exhaustion."
I was cut to the heart when I read this.
This described me!
Sister Wang's fellowship was enlightening,
but I didn't find a path of practice from it.
On the contrary, in order to feed my vanity,
I had continued to try to do better than Sister Wang.
I had secretly set myself against her
and would rack my brain to find ways to share more insightful fellowship than her.
I even had hoped that
people would stop applauding and complimenting her on her fellowship.
When my own fellowship was unworthy, and I made a fool of myself,
my mind would be in a whirl, and I would be upset and in pain.
I would spend all day dwelling on my faults,
deeply afraid that others would look down on me.
I was so narrow-minded, all I wanted was to stand out,
but I couldn't stand it when someone else was better than me.
Isn't this just jealousy and envy of those that do well?
I have no normal humanity!
Thinking back, I was also like that before I believed in God.
When I was interacting with friends and relatives, neighbors, and colleagues,
I was constantly thinking of having others speak well of me.
Sometimes, when a colleague would praise someone else's work in front of me,
I would feel uneasy,
and in order to have others praise me,
I'd throw myself into doing my work well,
and I was happy to do it no matter how difficult, how exhausting it was.
Only now have I realized
these were manifestations of corrupt satanic dispositions.
Once I realized this,
Sister Liu once again linked this back to the passage of fellowship
and laid out a path of practice:
To come before God and pray to Him,
to open up to God my own difficulties and reveal my corruption
so that He can show me how to have a more generous heart.
After that, I presented myself to God frequently
and prayed to Him about my difficulties.
I began to consciously read God's words
of Him judging and exposing the corruption of mankind.
When I gained enlightenment from God's words,
I would immediately share it with my brothers and sisters.
They also spoke about what they had gained and understood.
I never would have imagined it,
but this practice allowed me to learn even more
than just reading God's words on my own.
In gatherings, I shared my insights based on how much I understood,
and focused on quieting my heart and listening to the others' communion.
It was only then while my brothers and sisters
talked about their experiences of putting God's words into practice,
that I gained great edification.
After a while of this practice, my jealousy had diminished.
But in every gathering,
when I saw Sister Wang commended by the other brothers and sisters,
I still felt the jealousy there.
I always felt some distance between her and I,
and I couldn't interact with her easily.
Feeling like that, I didn't dare open up to my brothers and sisters.
I was still afraid that if I did, they would look down on me.
So, during several gatherings,
I couldn't find release on my heart.
I could only pray to God for my difficulties:
"Oh God! I am once again feeling jealousy.
May You lead me …"
One evening, Sister Liu gave me a call.
She asked with concern whether I had been experiencing difficulties lately.
I responded vaguely:
"My corruption is so deep.
Do you think that God will save someone like me or not?"
I was afraid she would look down on me,
so I did not elaborate.
Sister Liu read a passage of God's words for me:
After reading these words from God, she told me:
"Opening up and sharing in fellowship is one way to free your heart.
If we hide difficulties in our hearts,
we are more susceptible to Satan, and our lives will suffer.
Opening up and bringing it into the light is putting honesty into practice.
We also gain help from our brothers and sisters.
This allows our difficulties to be resolved quicker.
We will grow in our life, and we will attain release in our hearts.
Isn't that what we want?"
After listening to Sister Liu's words,
I gathered my courage and explained to her what I was going through.
I never would have imagined that after hearing me,
that she wouldn't belittle or look down on me,
but she patiently shared her own experience with me.
She told me how she used to be a jealous person,
and how she managed to overcome it.
I was so surprised by what she had said.
I thought: "So you have also had such expression of corruption?"
Sister Liu read another passage of God's words related to this:
Then, she told me: "We have all been deeply corrupted by Satan.
Arrogance, deceitfulness, selfishness, jealousy,
all of these corrupt dispositions are deeply entrenched in mankind.
God has now come to judge and chastise in order to purify and transform us.
We must treat ourselves properly,
and not live in negativity and misunderstanding.
As long as we pursue the truth with intention,
accept the judgment and chastisement of God's words,
reflect on and understand our own corruptions according to God's words,
are able to forsake the flesh, and put the truth into practice,
the day will come when our lives will undergo a transformation,
and we will be able to live as a true man."
My heart felt so free after listening to Sister Liu's words,
and I also understood God's will.
Not only do I need to face my own corruption,
and focus on knowing myself and seeking the truth to resolve my corruption,
but I should also practice honesty
and open up to my brothers and sisters about the corruption that I had revealed recently.
This would deprive Satan of an opportunity to do its work,
and it would shame Satan through practice of the truth.
Sister Liu came to my home again the next day,
and we read a passage from God's words together.
After reading God's words,
she then linked them to her own experience
and provided insight on the root of people's jealousy.
Only then did I realize
that all of this was caused by my own desire for fame and status,
and I had become arrogant.
Dominated by these corrupt dispositions,
my ambition had grown too great,
and no matter what I did, I wanted to be better than others.
I was like this both as a member of society,
and as a member of the Church.
Even during gatherings, fellowship, and prayer,
I wanted to be better than others,
and only found happiness when others praised me.
When someone outdid me,
I couldn't accept it, and I became jealous.
I was resistant and worked against it.
When I couldn't outdo others,
I lived in negativity and could not treat myself properly.
I even misunderstood God,
and believed that I would not receive God's salvation.
I saw that Satan's corruption had made me arrogant, selfish, and despicable.
My life had become unspeakably miserable.
I found a path of practice from God's words.
I must learn to give up, to set things aside,
and to forsake my own flesh according to God's requirements,
and learn more from my sister's strengths,
and compensate for my weaknesses.
Only this is God's will.
This is the only way to understand and gain more truth.
Sister Liu read another passage from God's words:
After reading these words from God,
I understood the caliber and gifts God bestows are different for each person.
But no matter what these are,
they are for the sole purpose of carrying out our duty,
and bearing witness to and glorifying God.
It was ordained by God that Sister Wang is of good caliber,
and that she understands truth quickly.
I should handle this properly,
and I should also properly handle my strengths and weaknesses
because God knows what is best when giving us each our talents.
No matter what qualities He has decided that I have had,
I must obey His rule and His arrangements,
and rectify my motives, and pursue the truth with all my heart.
I will share knowledge and practice what I understand, no more and no less.
I will do my best in front of God
so that He can feel comfort and be fulfilled.
Only this has true meaning.
It is also what I should pursue most.
To this end, I promise to God to do the following:
From now on, strive for the pursuit of truth,
quickly cast off satanic disposition like arrogance and selfishness,
and strive to live out the likeness of a true man to satisfy God.
The next church gathering came around very quickly.
I wanted to open up and tell Sister Wang about the kind of corruption inside me,
about my jealousy toward her during that time period,
but as soon as I thought of how she would see me
after knowing the corruption inside me,
I didn't dare face it.
Within myself, I quietly prayed to God:
"Oh God! May You give me faith and courage.
I'm willing to set aside my vanity
and share my condition openly with my sister,
to dissolve the barrier between us."
After praying, I felt far more at peace with my heart,
and then I told them everything about my condition and experiences over that time period.
After, not only did my brothers and sisters not look down on me,
but they all admired my courage of practicing honesty.
They also said that from the account of my experience,
they realized that only by practicing God's words
could they cast off satanic dispositions and gain release,
and they then knew what to do if they experience these things themselves.
In future gatherings, I earnestly listened to my sister's communion,
and I discovered many of her strengths.
I saw that when she encountered issues,
she was able to focus on coming before God and seeking the truth,
and finding a path of practice from God's words.
These were all things that I needed to learn from.
It was only then that I truly understood
that hearing the experiences of putting God's words into practice
being shared by brothers and sisters,
was a good opportunity for life growth.
God had arranged for me to work with this sister.
She shared insights on things I wasn't clear on,
and she made up for what I lacked.
This is a blessing from God!
When I thought of it like this,
I felt a complete release in my heart.
Through the revelation of facts and the judgment of God's words,
my disposition of jealousy underwent transformation,
and I gained a little bit of understanding of God's righteous disposition.
I also personally experienced the power that God's words have
to purify, transform, and save mankind.
God's words can be our life,
and they can resolve all our pain and difficulties.
I am willing to put God's words into practice more,
and to obey His judgment and chastisement.
May I soon be purified by God,
live my life as a true human being, and gain His praise.
All glory be to Almighty God!