- You know, some people are tricky to buy for,
for birthdays and things.
If you have somebody in your life like this,
then listen up, this next thing might be useful for you.
We've got a birthday rule.
Our birthday rule is, that if it's your birthday,
you get to make all of the decisions, all day,
for both of you.
So my fella's last birthday, his first decision,
he said, "I want a lie in."
Excellent, happy with that, we had a lie in.
Second decision, he said, "I want a sausage sandwich."
Which was not the euphemism I was hoping it was.
(audience laughing)
I was all like, "Should I be the bread?"
(audience laughing)
Oh, you're putting the grill on, okay.
Third decision, he wanted to go to Warwick Castle.
Now I'm sure some of you
may well have been to Warwick Castle.
I'm sure the castle part of it is an absolute delight.
We didn't get to do that bit.
The only bit he wanted to do was the dungeon.
He likes reading horror stories,
he like watching horror films.
I don't like any of that sort of thing.
I don't like being scared.
I'm not a massive fan of the dark,
if I'm brutally honest.
I'm a bit of a wuss.
And I thought, this whole experience
is gonna be horrible for me,
but birthday rules, we have to go.
So we go to Warwick Castle,
and at the door to the dungeon is a man,
and the man has fake blood on his face and hands,
and is dressed in some sort of costume.
And being a little claustrophobic, as I am,
I thought, this is about to include
two of the things I hate the most:
enclosed spaces, and fucking actors.
(audience laughing)
Because it wasn't like a museum.
It wasn't just glass cases with things in to look at,
and little bits of writing that you don't bother reading,
because it's boring.
It wasn't like that.
It was properly interactive.
Every room had a different scenario.
There were volunteers required throughout,
and there was always a chance
that somebody was gonna jump out,
and frighten the living shit out of you.
(audience laughing)
Now I knew I was gonna hate it,
and it was proved right as soon as we started to walk in.
Now one thing to point out, as well,
I guess these tours normally have 10,
or 12, or 15 people on them, all going around, as one.
I don't know why, maybe just because it was a Tuesday,
but it was only two of us.
(audience laughing)
So every time they needed a volunteer,
it was me, or him, or both of us.
(audience laughing)
And also, it was the final tour of the day.
We'd overheard a couple of the actors talking outside,
saying that if we hadn't turned up,
they would have all been able to go home an hour early.
(audience laughing)
So they already didn't really like us.
Now we go down the stairs at the beginning,
and I already hate it, because it's dark, it smells funny,
and the walls are kind of running with water, it's horrible.
Birthday rules, we have to do it, though.
Now we go into the first room.
The first room's quite well lit, it's not too bad.
It's a courtroom, and there's a man playing a judge,
and just me and my fella.
We are both tried.
I was tried for being a witch.
Rude.
(audience laughing)
And he was tried for weeing in a well.
Apt.
(audience laughing)
We are both sentenced to death,
which I thought was a little harsh.
(audience laughing)
But I thought, if it's all like this,
this is gonna be okay.
Now, how wrong you can be.
We go into the next room.
The next room is completely pitch black.
So dark you can't see your hand in front of your face,
and it's also completely silent.
Now I've been linked into my fella,
holding on for dear life.
Somebody came up behind us, so we couldn't see,
and just unravelled us, and separated us.
Put him over at the other side of the room.
So I couldn't see him, I couldn't touch him,
but every now and again, I could hear him say,
"You're gonna be all right, you're gonna be all right."
(audience laughing)
Because he knew the state I was getting myself into.
Already starting to shake quite a bit.
Now they left us in the darkness
and the silence for about a minute,
and then a bright, white light flashed,
and an old lady screamed in my face.
(audience laughing)
I don't know which bit of history
that's supposed to represent,
but it felt very much like Christmas with me Nanna.
(audience laughing)
We go in another couple of rooms.
They're quite scary, but not too bad.
One of the scariest parts of the whole experience
is just a corridor.
Just a corridor between one room and the next,
but it was dimly lit, and there were horrific things
everywhere we looked,
until we realised, halfway along, that they were mirrors.
(audience laughing)
At one point, I'd whispered to my fella,
"That monster's got my top on."
(audience laughing)
We go in the final room.
The final room is a hospital room.
There is a bed with a body on it,
and the body, I've already clocked, is a dummy.
So, it doesn't mean it can't move,
but at least it's not gonna jump out at me.
And a man walks in and addresses us both,
and he says, "I'm not the doctor."
So I went...
(audience laughing)
Okay.
(audience laughing)
And he went, "The doctor died of the plague."
(audience laughing)
Aw.
And he went, "I'm the cook,"
and I thought, ooh, snacks.
(audience laughing)
Apparently not.
He said, "I'm the cook, and I'm replacing the doctor,
because I'm the only other one who knows about anatomy."
So I just went, "It's a promotion, well done."
(audience laughing)
And he walked forward, and he stood just in front of me,
and he was so close to me
I could feel his breath on my face.
And he looked at me, and he said,
"You don't look very well."
(audience laughing)
And I crumpled.
(audience laughing)
"I just caught a bit of a cold."
(audience laughing)
And then, he said, "I think you need some treatment."
"I'm taking Day Nurse,
(audience laughing)
and I've got some chews in me handbag."
Why don't you do it to him, it's his birthday?"
(audience laughing)
And then he said, "I think you need an operation."
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
You shit.
(audience laughing)
He took me by the hand, he sat me on a seat,
and he pulled around us both
a very thin, white muslin curtain.
We're within the curtain,
my fella is on the outside of the curtain.
We are now the show.
My fella is the only audience member.
(audience laughing)
This whole fucking thing is just for him.
(audience laughing)
The cook pulls out a knife this sort of size.
Maybe, like, a dagger,
and he shows it round the front of the curtain
so my fella can see it really clearly.
He brings it back round again,
and he presses a button on the chair behind me,
which is the sound effect of a woman screaming.
(audience laughing)
Pulls out another knife, maybe, like, a machete,
this sort of size,
and again, he shows it round the front of the curtain
so my fella can see it.
Brings it back round again,
presses another button of a woman screaming.
Now by this stage, I am physically shaking from head to toe,
my palms and sweaty, and I feel quite sick,
but all I can think is,
I wonder what we're gonna do for my fucking birthday.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Because my birthday is after his,
my birthday no longer becomes about
what I actually might want to do,
but about what he will fucking hate.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
The cook pulls out the final weapon.
It's a scythe, huge, like this.
And again, he shows it round the front so my fella can see.
Brings it back round again,
and presses the most blood-curdling scream of all.
And I thought, I know this is fake,
but I wonder what the expression
on my fellas face is right now,
and I could see him very clearly thought the curtain.
I looked at his face,
and he was checking his phone for text messages.
(audience laughing)
As we walked out, I said,
"I can't believe you were playing on your phone."
He said, "To be honest,
I was just surprised you could get a signal down there."
(audience laughing)
We got in the car to go home, I said,
"You know what we're gonna do for my birthday?"
He said, "No, I don't.
What are we gonna do for your birthday?"
I said, "Do you know what we're gonna do for my birthday?"
He said, "I don't, what are we gonna do for your birthday?"
I said, "We're gonna talk about our feelings
for nine fucking hours."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
As it happens, that's not what we did.
My birthday rolled around a month later,
and all I really wanted to do
was wander 'round John Lewis.
(audience laughing)
It's me happy place.
Wanted to wander 'round the home ware section,
touching things.
That's all I wanted to do.
So we go to John Lewis, we're in the home ware section,
but the whole time, he is three or four paces behind me,
playing on his phone.
And I thought, this isn't fair.
I was disembowelled on his fucking birthday.
(audience laughing)
And I should have learned from earlier experience,
that he is not good to take shopping.
On a previous occasion,
we'd been in a different department store.
I decided to look for a new dress.
I picked three to try on, and I parked him.
You know how you can park your fella?
Either at the shoes, 'cause there's seats there,
and they like that,
or you can park them at the fitting room,
'cause then, there's sometimes another fella there,
and they can make a little friend.
(audience laughing)
So I parked him at the fitting room,
I took three dresses in to try on.
I came out after each one to show him.
After the first one, I said,
"What do you think of this one?"
He went, "It's all right."
(audience laughing)
Keep pumping out compliments like that,
and we'll not get this big head back in the fucking car.
(audience laughing)
Went back in, came back in the second one.
I said, "This is the second one,
what do you think of this one?"
And he went, "It's nice."
(audience laughing)
♪ I feel so pretty ♪
(audience laughing)
Went back in, came back in the third one.
I said, "This is the best one.
Like, this is my favourite one."
I've saved the best for last,"
what do you think of this one?"
And he went, "Yeah, yeah, you could wear that one outside."
(audience laughing)
What did you think the other two were, fucking nighties?
(audience laughing)
So I should have learned from that experience,
but I had not learned from that experience.
We are now in John Lewis, in the homeware section,
on my birthday, and he is three or four paces behind me,
playing on his phone like a petulant teenager.
And I turned round, I said, "Oh, this isn't on."
He said, "What's the matter with you?"
I said, "No, this is my birthday.
You need to pay attention,"
you need to be interested in things,"
you need to be present."
And he said, "Sorry, love,"
and he put his phone in his pocket.
He said, "What are we looking at?
Show us what we're looking at."
And I said, "I've been looking at the duvet covers,
and I found one that I liked."
It was nice, and bright, and flowery.
I said, "I like this one, what do you think of that one?"
And he looked at it, and he went,
"That's horrible."
And I thought, well, I did ask
for your opinion, I suppose.
Maybe you should get your fucking phone out, again.
(audience laughing)
I said, "I like it, what's horrible about it?"
And he looked at it again, and he went,
"It's loud, it's gaudy, it's for children."
And he must've seen my face just drop,
'cause this is not what my birthday was supposed to be.
And he wanted to fix it,
because he is a lovely man, after all.
And he was so convinced that the next thing he said
was gonna make everything okay.
(audience laughing)
He just went, "It's very you, though, love."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Hi, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my video.
I'm on tour at the moment
with a show called Bobby Dazzler.
To find out where I'm going, and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks, bye!