(gentle music)
- [Narrator] Topanga's reading a poem,
Once Upon a Time in Philadelphia.
Boring.
It's about roads as a metaphor for life's choices.
Shawn don't care.
Cory got a Christmas job at Little Paulie's.
Shawn landed a cushy union gig at the docks
so he can finally buy presents for his friends and family.
Meanwhile, a B-story.
Eric's trying to bang Lonnie on Christmas.
Sure, why not.
Cory's first shift at Little Paulie's is rough.
Two wise guys are busting his balls something fierce,
until they sip his cappuccino.
They slide him a 20 and say keep 'em coming.
- And if you gentlemen need anything for--
- Yes, I'd like you to accompany my new young bride
to the beauty parlor, you know, keep an eye out.
- [Narrator] Nothing suspicious about any of that.
Cory says Sam at the bar gave him a list of duties.
Psh, Sam, that shmuck?
Everyone has a laugh.
Everyone but Sam.
Shawn comes in with a Docks Tale.
Turns out it's as cushy as a cactus diaper.
Shawn been freezing his yiddies off at those docks
since three a.m. lifting shit.
Who knew hard work was so difficult?
And Cory's job, cushy as fuck.
Cory invites Shawn over to rub his cushy job
all upon his grill.
They want Cory to drop this letter at the mailbox
on 14th and Pine.
No witnesses.
Cory, regional mailbox trivia champ of '96,
says there's no mailbox at 14th and Pine.
Oh, there's a mailbox, wink, wink.
But there's no stamp or address.
Shawn steps in before they shoot first
and check for a wire second.
Yo, Gabbagool, you're working for the mafia.
The really old mafia.
Cory wants out of the life.
He's breaking bland.
Bye.
Shawn sees his mob-portunity.
And after like 10 seconds is also working for the mafia.
Hey Shawn, ever wonder how this place has no customers?
- I figure you do a good takeout business.
- Good takeout business.
- Yeah, we do a good takeout business.
- [Both] Takeout business.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Ha, ha, they're talking about murder.
Cory can't believe Shawn is choosing a life of crime.
Shawn says everything here is on
the up-and-up when-- (gun firing)
Relax, it's just a car that somehow learned to fire a gun.
Cory says working for the mob is like playing in a casino.
Stay long enough, you'll lose everything.
None of those films end well.
He's eating noodles with ketchup at the end of GoodFellas,
a fate worse than prison.
Shawn's just mobbing long enough to buy gifts.
Then he's out.
Christmas Eve isn't till tomorrow,
but Shawn bought Cory a present that can't wait.
It's a very expensive watch,
but Cory knows this watch couldn't be dirtier
if the last guy who wore it did prostate exams
in a Del Taco parking lot.
But hey, now Shawn can quit these mean streets.
Cory throws in the 160 he made slinging chinos
as a streets quitting bonus.
Shawn says keep your measly 160.
Shawnny Brasco uses 160 for jack-off rags.
10 hours at this job has really changed Shawn.
Cory wants to know if Shawn will be back for Christmas Eve.
It's tradition.
He says he'd never miss this thing of ours.
See ya there, guaranteed.
Gotti great feeling about that Christmas promise.
Shawn's done playing Scarface for the day
and wants to go do the whole presents, Jesus, tree thing.
They give Shawn an errand he can't refuse.
Take this box and wait somewhere.
Then give it to a guy named Carl.
Great guy, you're gonna love Carl.
Piece of cake bada-bing, Merry Christmas.
Shawn Corleone is waiting for Carl all alone
when Cory out of nowhere, he checked his new watch,
time to go home, brah, Christmas Eve, brah.
Cory wants to know, what's in the box, Shawn?
What's in the box?
Shawn says he can't know if he doesn't open it.
It could be drugs or a severed head.
Cory says cut the shit, it's Christmas, you know it's both.
Shawn wonders how getting in bed with the mafia
to buy Christmas presents got so messy so fast.
He says this is just like that poem about roads.
'Cause, like, he took a road to get here.
He might wanna re-read that poem before the test.
Shawn thought he was street smart
to compensate for a lack of book smart.
But apparently he's no kind of smart,
he dumb.
Cory explains this is like the poem,
but Shawn's road to ambition doesn't have to end
with him meeting a dude named Carl.
They depart to take the box back to the mafia
who always love missed deliveries and unfinished business,
and don't mind returned products
as long as you kept the receipt.
Then they make it home safe for a festive family photo.
So what did we learn today?
It's super easy to start working for your local mafia.
Just go to the nearest Italian restaurant
and make a decent cappuccino for the oldest suited man.
And it's a no-risk proposition,
because you can quit anytime, even in the middle
of a severed head drug delivery, with zero consequence.
And organized crime is cool
because there's no punishment for getting involved.
In fact, there are some pretty sweet perks,
like buying your best friend a nice watch for Christmas.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.