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♪ >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
FRAMING THE MOST INFORMATIVE PANORAMIC SHOTS, AWAITING THE
TOPICAL GOLDEN HOUR TO CAPTURE THE MOST BREATHTAKING STORY
VISTAS, AND ASSEMBLING IT ALL INTO THE DAVID
ATTENBOROUGH-NARRATED NEWS DOCUMENTARY THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I GRAB AN OLD CAMCORDER, A SIX-PACK OF
NATTY ICE, AND RUN AROUND THE WOODS HALF-NAKED AND HAMMERED TO
CREATE THE BLURRY, FOUND-FOOTAGE SASQUATCH VIDEO OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ANOTHER RESTAURANT QUHAIN HAS CLOSED,
FRIENDLIES.
QUARANTINE WHILE, DISNEY RESEARCH JUST UNVEILED A
SKINLESS HUMANOID ROBOT WITH CREEPY LIFE LIKE EYES.
JIMMY, CAN WE SEE IT?
OH, GOD!
I'M SORRY, THAT'S THE NEW C.E.O.
OF DISNEY.
BOB CHAYPEK.
CAN WE LOOK FOR THE ROBOT PHOTO?
WHILE WE'RE WAITING, DISNEY ENGINEERS SAY THEY'RE WORKING
TOWARD "THE DEVELOPMENT OF A SYSTEM FOR LIFELIKE GAZE,"
BECAUSE "PEOPLE WHO MAKE MORE EYE CONTACT WITH US ARE
PERCEIVED TO BE SIMILAR TO US, AS WELL AS MORE INTELLIGENT,
CONSCIENTIOUS, SINCERE, AND TRUSTWORTHY."
ALL RIGHT, DO WE HAVE IT?
GREAT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ROBOT IN ACTION.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH, UH-HUH.
I'M REALLY GETTING "SIMILAR TO ME" AND "TRUSTWORTHY" VIBES.
I'M SURE IF WE WERE ON A MARS MISSION TOGETHER, I'D TRUST THIS
THING TO BITE OUT MY THROAT AND SHOVE MY CORPSE OUT THE AIRLOCK.
"NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE COMMANDER COLBERT IS.
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME?
I'M JUST A SINCERE, TRUSTWORTHY ROBOT WHO IS SIMILAR TO YOU.
COME, LET'S LOOK IN THE AIRLOCK."
( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, BRITISH
HIGH-END STORE MARKS AND SPENSER HAS CREATED THIS SPECIALTY
PASTRY FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WHICH IS GREAT.
WHAT'S NOT SO GREAT?
THEY ANNOUNCED IT BY TWEETING "WHO WANTS A BITE OF SANTA'S
YUMNUT?" THAT EXACT PHRASE HAS GOTTEN
MANY PEOPLE FIRED AT THEIR OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A BITE OF SANTA'S YUMNUT, DARLING?
WHAT?
SHE'S MY WIFE.
>> IT'S STILL IN THE WORKPLACE.
>> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.
I'M SORRY.
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE FORCED REEDUCATION CAMP.
I ALSO LIKE THAT THEY WERE SO CONCERNED ABOUT SOMEONE STEALING
THE NAME "YUMNUT" THAT THEY TRADEMARKED IT.
(HIGH CLASS BRIT) "QUICK, NIGEL!
SECURE 'YUMNUT' FROM THEFT!
ALSO, LOCK DOWN 'GOBBY HOLE,' 'JAMMY NIPS,' AND 'BUM CRUMPET.'
THERE'S A GOOD LAD."
LEGALLY, EVERYONE IN ENGLAND IS NAMED NIGEL IN COMEDY BITS.
YES, NIGEL!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A BRITISH WILL LOOK DIFFERENTLY THIS YEAR
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SITTING ON SANTA'S LAP AND A CLEAR SHIELD
BARRIER BETWEEN SANTA AND FAMILIES.
SORRY YOU COULDN'T HUG SANTA.
IT'S NOT SAFE.
SLEEP AND WAIT FOR HIM TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE AND IF YOU'RE
VERY GOOD YOU CAN HAVE A BITE OF HIS YUMNUT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
ELECTION.
STICK AROUND.
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