Hello. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here.
My name is Mary Beth, and I am actually living proof
that even self-aware white people are terrible.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause it's 2021. People are getting woke, right?
And I'm from Connecticut, I come from a great family,
so I'm, like, constantly checking my privilege.
[ Laughter ]
To make sure it's still there.
'Cause they keep trying to take it, and I'm like, "No."
I need that, actually."
My family isn't wealthy. We are comfortable.
So, how I describe it is, we do belong to a yacht club,
but we don't own a yacht.
Or another way of thinking about it --
I don't have a trust fund to inherit,
but I was grandfathered into unlimited data.
[ Laughter ]
My parents are super-supportive of my comedy, especially my dad,
'cause he did standup back in the '70s,
and then he took the easy way out and became a surgeon.
[ Laughter ]
So I guess you could say
we're both in the business of saving lives.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My mom's just happy I didn't end up in a career
that would embarrass the family...
like being a serial killer.
Or a venture capitalist.
[ Laughter ]
And they had six kids, my mom and dad.
Now there's grandkids, and I love my nieces,
but I do have beef with my one nephew.
He's 6 years old.
And the other day, he asked my sister-in-law --
He said, "Is Mary Beth my aunt or my cousin?"
And she said, "Mary Beth is your aunt."
And he said, "Well, then, why does she always act
like a child?"
[ Laughter ]
Which I thought was pretty rude.
So I ran and told my mom he was bullying me
and got him in trouble.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I love kids. I really do.
I love kids so much, I'm not going to have any.
[ Laughter ]
And whenever I say that, the response is always the same.
People tell me, "You're going to change your mind.
You're going to change your mind 'cause if you
never have kids, you'll never know what it's like
to love someone more than you love yourself."
And I was like, "No, that's exactly my point."
[ Laughter ]
That would be ideal, actually.
I don't have time for kids anyway.
I have my hands full. I'm dating a 27-year-old.
[ Laughter ]
And we met online. He lives in England.
So this definitely was not part of my plan.
I always thought if I was going to date a guy,
he'd be really old.
Like on death's door. 40 or something.
[ Laughter ]
And I just feel like dating an old guy would be really chill
'cause they're too tired to do anything...
and the font on their phone is so big,
you can read all their texts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I thought of that joke when I was at dinner with my dad.
But he's married.
[ Laughter ]
The guy I'm dating is fully British,
so there's obviously a language barrier.
[ Laughter ]
I've been taking classes, which have been really helpful.
Because up until now, all of my British cultural references
were what I learned from the Spice Girls movie.
Turns out England has a rich history
of girl groups I never even knew about.
And things are going well, but I don't know.
We're just, like, at different points in our lives.
'Cause he's five hours ahead.
[ Laughter ]
If you're watching this, baby, go to bed.
It's 4 in the morning.
International travel is suspended right now,
so he's not allowed to come here,
and I know, like, the virus and all that,
but it's annoying, 'cause he's wonderful.
And I just know that I've been romantically involved
with several people I legally
shouldn't have been allowed to see.
The guy who ran marathons comes to mind.
Or the guy whose favorite band was The Beatles.
Or how about the guy who texted me two summers ago
at 3 in the morning, "What you up to?"
Where were you then, federal government?
You didn't want to intervene
when I took a $60 Uber to Brooklyn?
Slept in a bed with navy-blue sheets and one pillow?
Where -- Where were you?
But that's all behind me now, and I'm so happy,
because after years of hooking up with comedians,
I finally found a guy with a real job.
He's an actor.
Thank you, guys, so much. I'm Mary Beth.