- You're gonna open the door and I'm gonna pretend like
oh my God, I didn't even see you here.
(laughs)
Oh God, is he choking?
- If you don't recognize this revolutionary, amazing,
extraordinary, fabulous of a human being by my side,
her name's Pamela Rae Schuller
and she's a stand-up comedian here in New York City
traveling across the the globe
making people laugh and feel included.
- You're going to make people think
I'm way funnier than I am.
- Okay. That's okay.
- It's just like, let's start them with lower.
- She's below average comedian
that will tell a decent joke
every now and then. - Sometimes.
- Hopefully today's the day.
- We'll find out.
- Give me the name of a charity you support,
right now, no thinking about it.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- What's that?
Is that Oprah's thing?
- Let's do the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
- Why specifically that one?
- Because I've fundraised for them before.
- Oh.
- My dad died of cancer.
Every now and again, I try to help a little bit.
- All right, so we're gonna help today.
Just to put it in there, my mom died of leukemia.
So, we're supporting the Leukemia--
- Also, the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
are actually coming up with things for all cancers,
not just Leukemia and Lymphoma.
Worthy cause.
- You see this?
What does that look like to you?
- A phone.
- Yep, you know what's on this phone?
An app.
- Okay, like Tinder?
- No.
(Pamela laughs)
I'm not finding you a date.
- Grubhub?
- No. - I hungry.
- I fed you.
You are gonna react to my Instagram feed.
- Okay.
- But to make it more interesting,
I'm gonna take a big sip of this glass of water
and if you're able to make me spit it out,
I'm gonna give $100 each time you make me spit it out.
- Are you gonna spit it in my face though?
- Maybe. - Okay.
- Depending on how hard you make me laugh.
Are you ready?
- I was born ready.
- Wow.
- My Tourette's just got a little worse
because I just got excited nervous.
(Doctor Mike coughs)
- Yay!
You know it's a party when her Tourette's is getting worse.
- Tourette's shows up first.
(loud slurp)
(soft slurp)
There's like a lot of liquid in your mouth right now.
(Pamela cackles)
I love this photo because it's like
two parts Zoolander 2.0 and two parts you being like,
"My butthole's winking at you, sweetheart."
You know what I mean?
This does, this looks like a man
who tells someone that he's a therapist
just to go to bed with them.
(Pamela cackles)
- That was way harder than I thought it would be!
Okay, I should not take that much water.
(Pamela laughs)
Even Bear's concerned.
His little face popped up!
Bear, I'm okay.
This is the most money you're ever gonna earn as a comedian.
(Pamela wheezes)
See, I can roast you right back.
Oh man, I don't know what you're gonna say
for some of these.
Some of these are pretty good pictures.
(Pamela chuckles)
- I love that in every one of your Instagram photos
you look hot and put together,
and in all of mine, I'm like,
"Here, I'm a hot mess on Wednesday.
"Here, I'm a hot mess ten minutes ago.
"Here, I'm just a mess."
In this one, you're like, "Oh my god,
"I didn't even see you here."
Like, this was every...
This is basic.
This is you being a basic girl.
You're gonna open the door and I'm gonna pretend like,
"Oh my god, I didn't even see you here."
(Pamela laughs)
Oh god, is he choking?
That was half snot as well, and I'm into it.
I'm covered in your spit, and like, not in a fun way.
- See, some of mine are so easy to rip.
- Yeah.
Pick one where I'm gonna feel like a bad person.
- Okay.
This one says, "I can be a doctor and save the world
"and still look hot AF."
I got nothing, these kids are cute.
You look like you're doing good work.
You look a little bit like you just did something wrong,
but I don't wanna play into that.
- I could swallow that one.
- Don't do another good person one.
- Well you said give me a good person.
- I know, and then I was like, I really can't.
I didn't expect there to be children in it.
(Doctor Mike laughs)
- Huh!
It looks like you just birthed him!
(Doctor Mike snorts)
It looks like you're spread eagle
and this whole grown man just came out of you!
Are you okay in this photo?
Because you wore a sweater to the beach.
Also, I don't know that I'd ever take a doctor
with a backwards red hat seriously.
Also (wheezes) what does the front of that red hat say?
Also the shorts are so short, I literally can...
Nope, don't say that, Pam.
(Doctor Mike sputters)
Is he dead?
- I'm performing OMT, which is
Osteopathic Manipulative Therapy.
- Will you do that on me later?
- Yeah.
- [Pamela] I didn't even notice the girl
in the background hiking up her short dress.
- Yeah, that's why you missed that.
- Good for you.
Get it!
All I see in this picture is three men I'd date
and one man I would never touch!
But this guy on the left, is he single?
That's all I can focus on at this point.
Also, I think literally, mm, nope, don't say that.
God, I'm censoring so many things,
this one is so hard.
I think you gotta swallow.
I think that's all I got.
That's all I got except for that dream fivesome.
Is this you?
(Doctor Mike spits)
(soft squeal)
(Pamela wheezes)
It's just like, I'm really glad you bulked up a little bit
because you look like a cancer patient.
And you're wearing a cancer shirt.
- I lost already!
It's a cancer event! - It's so sad!
- St. Baldrick's! - It's so sad!
- A child with cancer shaved my head
so we could be in unity together!
- But did her shave the awkward patches?
(wheezes)
And did he shave the muscles away?
And did he shave those eyebrows?
- Bad Pam.
You're up $400.
- Uh, uh, I'm doing good by being mean!
I'm doing good by being mean!
I see no difference between what you're wearing right now.
Were you in high school theater?
You just wore this to school one day?
This was today?
This was this morning?
This is your kink?
(Doctor Mike spits)
- Did you say, "This is my kink"?
- I'm just so confused about what I'm looking at
and truly has nothing to do with the giant rabbit
and more about what's happening with that one pec.
- If you hug somebody, the other pec
gets elongated and looks thinner.
- I don't need your doctor reasonings here.
I had no idea you were the sixth member of NSYNC.
You literally dyed just the tips of your hair.
You frosted your hair. - Mm-mm.
- Is that you on the top right there
of this awful pyramid from the 80's?
I'm assuming you were still a virgin in this photo.
There's no way.
He's like, "I had seen a girl, one time."
- Those aren't frosted tips, that's the flash.
The hair is just so shiny.
- Are they gonna be able to see this?
Because that 100% frosted tips.
- That is not frosted tips.
I've never dyed my hair frosting.
(Pamela gasps)
- It's hard to do anything when I'm taking my pants off.
Is this you thinking, "This is who I would be
"if I had a real talent."
It's Zac Efron.
How did you meet Zac Efron?
I just wanna hear the story behind this,
I don't wanna make you laugh.
I just, I wanna picture so many things.
Was this at a charity thing?
Are you wearing a pin?
I can't be funny because Zac Efron is truly
one of the best looking humans on the planet.
- All right, you lost.
- I did not lose, I am ahead.
- You could have gotten $100 for
doing a good joke there for your society.
- I tried really hard and it's really hurtful.
(Pamela screams)
Did you steal that?
Did you steal this baby?
What is this baby teaching you how to do?
Because I've seen those CPR dummies,
and this is not one of them!
(strained croaking)
- Why is everything perverted with you?
That's a baby mannequin!
- Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out!
Oh gosh, what is, I have to think of a word right now.
Hold on, hold on.
You know those dudes that jump off of everything
and they're like, "Parkour!"
You're parkour.
Parkour!
(Pamela chuckles)
- That's it, that's what you got?
Parkour?
You gave me one word and you won $100?
- I did, I did.
- You're the highest paid comedian.
- Is this men trying to figure out
if there is anything between their ears?
Cause there's not.
Also, is this a designer suit you're wearing?
- Mhm.
- It makes your legs look thick.
- Mhm.
- You're into that, aren't you?
Who is this person in the middle?
No, no, this one.
(Doctor Mike mumbles)
That's you?
- Mm-mm.
Mm hmm.
- He sounds like he has a kind of Tourette's
that I am just like, so unfamiliar with right now.
(Pamela screams)
Ew!
- Congratulations.
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society--
- And they're doing good work and let's all give them money!
- Yes, everyone at home, please give them money.
Oh my god.
If you wanna laugh for real and learn at the same time,
click on this playlist I selected for you.
And as always, we want you to stay--
- Happy, healthy, fabulous,
nuggety, adorable, twitchy,
spit-taking, sexy.
Is that not it?
Was that not what you said?
- Cut that last part.
See you guys.