What's the real version of a relationship?
Is it the public one -
the one your friends and family see?
Or is it the one that takes place behind closed doors
when it's just the two of you?
Malcolm and Marie is a bruising, no-holds-barred exploration
of a couple doing one of the most intimate things a couple can do -
fighting.
And in this video,
we'll explore what their explosive relationship
can tell us about our own interactions with the people we love.
How does a couple who care about each other
end up in such a toxic row?
And how could they have avoided it?
To learn more, we asked psychotherapist Stella O'Malley
to analyse some key moments in the film
and explain how they could have gone differently,
not only so we can understand Malcolm and Marie,
but our own relationships, too.
I thought we were done fighting.
-Don't be sensitive. This isn't a fight. -Yeah, right.
The film starts with Malcolm and Marie arriving home.
He's in a great mood.
He's a director and they've just come back from the premiere of his new film.
It's been a huge success.
She's obviously not feeling the same, though.
She's distant, reserved, and her answers are short.
Something's wrong, but she's not saying what.
You could say she's being passive aggressive.
Our expert says the problem here is that Marie's not being honest.
It takes emotional maturity to own your anger
and to know that you're entitled to feel angry.
But instead, Marie is coming out with smart remarks
that only heighten the tension between them.
I really don't want to fight tonight.
Neither do I.
That is why I'm making you mac and cheese.
That doesn't mean Malcolm's in the right when he tries to force the issue, though.
There's a moment when he could have given her a sincere apology
and she might have felt consoled,
but this isn't a relationship where that's likely.
Instead, Malcolm's stubborn side comes out when he insists on them talking about it.
Marie.
Marie!
Marie.
Marie, talk to me.
We've all heard this piece of relationship advice:
"You should never go to bed on an argument."
Marie doesn't agree.
Malcolm wants to talk about the problem,
but she thinks they should cool off and wait until the morning.
Who's right?
Actually, and despite what you've read on a million problem pages, she is.
When you're tired or drunk and you've got a big day ahead of you,
the chances of having a productive conversation is pretty much zero.
So, you might as well put the issue to one side
until there's time to give it proper attention.
In fact, says our expert, being able to go to bed on an argument
can be a sign of emotional maturity.
And it shows that you've got confidence in your relationship
to weather one night of disagreement.
But when you say you're going to bed, you have to mean it,
and be serious about picking up the issue again later.
Marie says she's going to bed, but then she stays up anyway.
And that's the moment, according to our expert,
that Marie gets into the metaphorical boxing ring
and the showdown becomes inescapable.
-What, you're upset with me? -It's not that big of a deal.
I can't go to bed knowing that you're angry.
Malcolm, I promise you,
nothing productive is going to be said tonight.
It's out in the open now.
Marie tells Malcolm that she's angry because he didn't thank her in his speech.
There's a chance that he could apologise here
and they could end the night on good terms.
But, though he says he's sorry, he doesn't sound very sorry.
Actually, he makes the word sorry sound like a whole other accusation.
I'm sorry. I forgot to thank you.
I am genuinely sorry,
which is why I apologised to you a thousand fucking times during the movie.
This is a pretty bad sign.
Time for Malcolm and Marie to back off and have a glass of water,
which, of course, they don't do.
There is a point where Malcolm could have apologised
and deescalated the whole fight.
When Marie asks if Malcolm's movie would have been as good without her
and he admits it wouldn't have,
he showed a glimmer of emotional honesty,
but it doesn't last long
and he's quickly back to fighting with her.
So, yes, you can say sorry even in the middle of a row,
but if it's insincere, it's not going to mean much.
Just don't take me for granted.
I don't.
This fight is a rough one.
Things are said that can't be unsaid,
with Malcolm and Marie turning each other's most private pain
and vulnerability against each other,
and there will be no sleep
until they've torn each other down to the ground.
But being in a fight shouldn't mean that anything goes.
Even though Malcolm and Marie throw everything they've got at each other,
being in a fight is actually when the rules are most important.
Our expert calls this the equivalent of the Queensbury rules,
which make the difference between a boxing match and an all-out brawl.
There's an emotional sacred trust between two people in a relationship,
and that means that even when you're your angriest,
you hold back from the killer blow.
If your partner has shared something with you in a spirit of openness,
using it as a weapon against them later
is about the most destructive thing you could do.
Do not fucking go there
because you are not going to win this one, Marie.
Trust me.
So, can a good relationship ever include a bad fight?
Or is the ideal couple one who never exchange a cross word?
Actually, says our expert, if a couple never argue,
that might be a sign that they're just not being honest with each other.
After all, any two people will disagree about something eventually.
If you and your partner don't seem to,
it might be that you just haven't worked out
how to deal with conflict,
which can leave each of you in a bad and lonely place.
And if one of you is quietly giving in more often than the other,
they will be feeling a lot of strain.
The healthiest relationship isn't the one with the least conflict,
it's the one that can approach conflict honestly,
and where both parties remember they care about each other
even when they're angry.
Some couples even thrive on conflict,
so long as they respect the rules of engagement
and never break that sacred trust.
I'm tired of fighting, Marie.
Yeah, well, that was a fight you had entirely with yourself.
Malcolm and Marie is available to watch on Netflix now.
You know you do that, right?
Literally.
Next thing you know,
you will be on your press tour for your new LEGO film...