>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. DOWP HERE, UP THERE, ALL AROUND
THE EMPIRE. I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU'VE TUNED IN ON A BIG NIGHT. BECAUSE IT'S PAT BENATAR'S
BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAT BENATAR!
YOU'RE A REAL TOUGH COOKIE WITH A LONG HISTORY...
OF HAVING BIRTHDAYS. HOPE THIS IS A GREAT ONE.
ALSO... WHAT ELSE...
OH, ALSO, IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, I'M GOING TO BE SITTING RIGHT
OVER THERE, INTERVIEWING PRINCE HARRY, DUKE OF SUSSEX, LORD OF
GINGERS. (LAUGHTER)
I WAS ALL EXCITED TO SPEND THIS MONOLOGUE TALKING ABOUT THE
ROYAL FAMILY. BUT INSTEAD, I HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT SOMETHING STUPID. BECAUSE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS
FROM BIDEN'S TIME AS V.P. WERE DISCOVERED IN HIS PRIVATE
OFFICE. COME ON, JOE!
CLASSIFIED? IS THIS JUST WHAT EVERY
PRESIDENT DOES NOW, JUST SCATTER A TRAIL OF INTELLIGENCE LIKE
JOHNNY-DOCUMENT SEED? ARE THERE CLASSIFIED FILES
EVERYWHERE? OH MY GOD!
THIS IS REALLY STRESSING ME OUT. I'M SWEATIN' BULLETS.
GAH! (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WHY? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. BACK IN NOVEMBER, BIDEN'S
LAWYERS FOUND THE GOVERNMENT MATERIAL WHILE CLOSING OUT AN
OFFICE AT A THINK TANK CALLED "THE PENN BIDEN CENTER."
NAMED, NO DOUBT, AFTER THE CLOSE FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN BIDEN
AND "GOSSIP GIRL" HEARTTHROB PENN BADGLEY.
DETAILS ARE STILL COMING OUT. WE DON'T KNOW HOW THE DOCUMENTS
ENDED UP THERE, AND IT'S UNCLEAR WHAT THEY PERTAIN TO.
BUT, GIVEN BIDEN'S AGE, I ASSUME IT'S EITHER THE SPANISH-AMERICAN
WAR OR DIGGING THE PANAMA CANAL. REPUBLICANS HEARD ABOUT THIS,
AND-- THIS MAY SURPRISE YOU-- THEY SAID, "AAAGH-AHA-HA!"
CASE IN POINT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT, WHO TRUTHED, "WHEN IS
THE F.B.I. GOING TO RAID THE MANY HOMES OF JOE BIEN?
PERHAPS EVEN THE WHITE HOUSE?" WAIT A MINUTE.
HE MAY BE ONTO SOMETHING. ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE ARE
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE?!
(APPLAUSE) OKAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS, BUT, WHILE THOSE
DOCUMENTS SHOULD'VE BEEN RETURNED EARLIER, THERE IS NO
COMPARISON BETWEEN THIS AND THE TRANSPARENTLY NEFARIOUS BEHAVIOR
OF THE EX-PRESIDENT HAULING BOX AFTER BOX OF CLASSIFIED MATERIAL
TO MAR-A-LAGO AND TOSSING THEM INTO A MOP CLOSET, AND THEN WHEN
THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES SAYS, "HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THESE
DOCUMENTS?", HE GOES, "HERE'S SOME OF THEM!"
AND THEY SAY, "ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MORE TO GIVE US?"
AND HE SAYS "I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW WHAT I DO HAVE, AND IT'S
EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!" AND THEY GO TO A JUDGE, AND
THE JUDGE SAYS HE HAS TO GO LOOK FOR MORE OF THEM, SO HE GOES,
THEN THE F.B.I. GOES, "GUESS WHAT WE HAVE-- A SUBPOENA!"
AND HE GOES "HERE'S 38 OF THEM!" AND THEY SAY, "IS THIS
EVERYTHING?" AND HE GOES "YOU BET!
WE LOOKED EVERYWHERE!" AND THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT SAYS,
"WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU." AND HE SAYS, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO ABOUT IT?" SO THE F.B.I. RAIDS MAR-A-LAGO
AND FINDS HUNDREDS OF MORE DOCUMENTS.
AND HE GOES "OH, I KNEW I HAD THOSE, I PACKED THEM MYSELF.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I DE-CLASSIFIED THEM, WITH MY MIND."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: I DON'T SSH SSH
SO, THEY'RE NOT THE SAME. IT'S COMPARING APPLES TO
ORANGE-MAN. BUT THAT OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE
DID NOT STOP SQUEAKER OF THE HOUSE KEVIN McCARTHY FROM
SAYING OF BIDEN'S TEAM, "THEY'VE BEEN AROUND EVEN LONGER.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD NEVER BEEN IN OFFICE BEFORE, AND HAD
JUST LEFT, CAME OUT. HERE'S AN INDIVIDUAL WHO SPENT
HIS LAST 40 YEARS IN OFFICE." SO, THE EX-PRESIDENT DID WAY
WORSE, BUT IS LESS GUILTY BECAUSE HE'S LESS QUALIFIED TO
GOVERN? THAT'S LIKE A STATE TROOPER
SAYING, "I WOULD GIVE YOU A TICKET FOR DRUNK DRIVING, BUT
YOU'RE STILL ON YOUR LEARNER'S PERMIT.
DRIVE HOME SAFE, AND BOTTOMS UP!"
DRUNK [BLEEP] DRUNK [BLEEP] DRUNK [BLEEP].
I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY. CHUCK A LUG, CHUCK A LUG.
(APPLAUSE) SPEAKING OF KEVIN McCARTHY,
KEVIN McCARTHY. YESTERDAY, HE PASSED NEW
INTERNAL HOUSE RULES THAT INCLUDED ALL OF THE CONCESSIONS
HE MADE TO THE FREEDOM CAUCUS IN EXCHANGE FOR THEIR VOTES.
WE'VE GOT SOME OF THE NEW RULES RIGHT HERE:
SIT. DOWN BOY.
STAY, AND FETCH HUNTER BIDEN'S LAPTOP!
GET EM, BOY. SIC, EM.
GET HIM. BUT McCARTHY MIGHT BE HIDING A
LIL' SOMETHING EXTRA. BECAUSE REPORTEDLY, THERE'S ALSO
A SECRET CONCESSIONS "ADDENDUM" THAT WAS APPROVED IN CLOSED-DOOR
NEGOTIATIONS WITH A HANDSHAKE AGREEMENT.
WE ALL KNOW THE BEST RULES ARE SECRET.
REMINDS ME OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
"THOU SHALT NOT... WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW."
ONE OFFED HARD-LINERS IS MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE WHO
CELEBRATED BY DROPPING THIS VIDEO.
MAN THOSE AUTOMATED iPHONE SLIDE SHOWS ARE GETTING WEIRD,
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT THE MUSIC TO THAT LITTLE VIDEO IS
DR. DRE'S YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT MUSIC
THERE IS DR. DRE'S "STILL D.R.E."
HE CERTAINLY NOTICED, BECAUSE DR. DRE SENT HER A
CEASE-AND-DESIST LETTER. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: CEASE AND DESIST. CEASE AND DESIST.
SO HE'S A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER? HOW IS THAT GUY STILL SINGLE?!
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THERE'S BEEN COPYRIGHT PROBLEMS
BETWEEN RAPPERS AND POLITICIANS. WHO CAN FORGET BERNIE SANDERS'
UNAUTHORIZED TOUR AS "SOUP DOGGY DOGG."
"ONE PERCENT, TWO PERCENT THREE, FOUR
SOUP DOGGY DOG DR. DRE IS AT THE DOOR
WE WOULD LIKE SOME CHOWDER PLEASE!
DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT! WHERE'S MY SOUP?"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SOUP!
SPEAKING OF DR. DRE, EMINEM.
THE CANDY. WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS IN
THE WORLD, FOX NEWS REMAINS LASER-FOCUSED ON THE BIG ISSUE:
M&M'S HAVE GONE WOKE. FIRST OFF, NO THEY HAVEN'T.
SECOND, IF ANY CANDY IS WOKE, ISN'T IT THE ONE THAT TELLS YOU
TO "TASTE THE RAINBOW?" HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE GRIPING
ABOUT. IN HONOR OF INTERNATIONAL
WOMEN'S DAY, "M&M'S IS RELEASING ITS FIRST-EVER ALL-FEMALE PACKS"
FEATURING M&M'S FEMALE CHARACTERS UPSIDE DOWN, WITH THE
SLOGAN "SUPPORTING WOMEN FLIPPING THE STATUS QUO."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I GUESS
SO. FINE.
THIS IS OBVIOUSLY JUST A PLOY TO SELL MORE SUGAR BY BEING
SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS. JUST LIKE IN THE '80s, WHEN THE
KOOL-AID MAN TOOK ON THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOVERNMENT.
>> APARTHEID-- OH, NOOOO! WHERE IS HIS NOBEL PRIZE.
ROBBED. SO, THE PACKAGING IS DUMB BUT
HARMLESS, RIGHT? NOT ACCORDING TO FOX NEWS HOST
HARRIS FAULKNER: >> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE PACKAGE,
THE WOMEN ARE UPSIDE DOWN. AND I UNDERSTAND "FLIPPED," BUT
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, WE STAND ON OUR OWN.
WE DON'T NEED TO BE SHOWN ON A PACKAGE LOOKING CRAZY, UPSIDE
DOWN. >> Stephen: "NO, WE NEED TO BE
LOOKING SANE! YOU KNOW, COMPLAINING ABOUT
CANDY PACKAGING ON A NEWS NETWORK!"
NORMAL! HUH.
REALLY! (APPLAUSE)
ANOTHER THING THEY'RE UPSET ABOUT WAS THIS PHOTO OF THESE
TWO FEMALE M&M'S MASCOTS. HOLDING HANDS THERE.
KEEP IN MIND, THIS TWEET IS FROM 2015.
SO, NATURALLY, THEY WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT YESTERDAY.
>> APPARENTLY THERE'S NEW LESBIAN CHARACTERS.
IT'S FEMALE EMPOWERMENT. I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHEN
I WAS EATING, LIKE, AN ORANGE RIGHT NOW, IS THIS ORANGE A MAN
OR WOMAN? >> Stephen: IT'S EASY, PETE.
THE ONES WITH AN "M" ARE MEN, OBJECT RIGHT THERE THE ONES WITH
AN M, THOSE RIGHT THERE, THOSE ARE FOR MEN, OKAY.
AND THE WOMEN, THE WOMEN HAVE A W.
OKAY. >> LADY CANDY.
AND COME ON, PETE, WE'RE ALL ADULTS, WE KNOW ALL CANDY IS
GENDERED, SNICKERS?
WOMAN. MILK DUDS?
MILK DUDES. THREE MUSKETEERS?
A POLYAMOROUS GAY THRUPPLE. BABY RUTH?
NOT SURE-- THE GENDER REVEAL STARTED A SERIES OF WILDFIRES IN
CALIFORNIA. AND CANDY CORN?
YOU GOT YOURSELF A BAG OF CLITORISES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE--
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX, PRINCE HARRY.
STICK AROUND. ♪