-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody! We are here!
[ Cheers and applause ] Ready to make you laugh!
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for being here, everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, Thanksgiving is behind us,
but today was another very big day.
-It's Cyber Monday, guys. -It is Cyber Monday.
-Record Cyber Monday sales. -Cyber Monday is on track
to be the biggest online sales day in history,
with shoppers shelling out up to $12.7 billion today.
-Yep, today, Americans spent billions shopping online,
or as that's known in 2020, every day.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, the whole year has been Cyber Monday.
At this point, all UPS guys are built like Dwayne Johnson.
"Where do you want this couch?"
[ Laughter ]
There's deals on everything. There's nose-hair trimmers,
scuba equipment, lingerie, and, right now,
there's an Amazon worker loading them all into the same box,
going, "What is your life?" [ Laughter ]
I saw that the jewelry store Jared was offering
up to 50% off storewide.
Though it's kind of weird telling your girlfriend,
"He went to Jared -- on Cyber Monday."
[ Laughter ]
Some political news. On Sunday morning,
President Trump did his first post-election TV interview
with Maria Bartiromo on Fox News.
It lasted 46 minutes, and I'm getting the sense
he's not quite over the election.
Listen to this.
-Mr. President, thank you very much for being here.
[ Laughter ]
-Even the biggest Trump supporters were like,
"Maybe we should let Rudy Giuliani
talk about this instead.
He's been handling this pretty well."
[ Imitating droplets splashing ]
[ Laughter ]
-Hey.
-It started as a conspiracy theory
about election fraud and turned into a commercial
for the Squatty Potty. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, I was worried that the end of Trump's presidency
might get embarrassing, but at least he's
only on national TV saying, "Big massive dumps."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, at the White House today,
Melania Trump unveiled the Christmas --
the official Christmas decorations.
Take a look.
♪♪
[ Laughter ] -Why do they keep putting
Melania in charge of the Christmas decorations?
We know she doesn't like doing it.
Do you want to hear the leaked audio again?
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
Don't put Melania in charge if she doesn't want to do it!
[ Applause ]
Make it fun!
Put Rudy Giuliani in charge of this.
He'll have a Santa leaking eggnog from his side burns.
[ Laughter ]
Put Jared Kushner on the shelf, change his position every day.
[ Laughter ]
Melania made him have two middle fingers.
Have Mike Pence do it. He's so white,
he's just a top hat and a pipe away from being the new Frosty.
[ Laughter ]
But this year's gingerbread White House is incredible.
It features more than 400 pounds of dough
and a gingerbread man who refuses to leave.
[ Laughter ]
Trump must love the decorations,
because he's used a tiny gingerbread Oval Office desk
in his last press conference.
[ Laughter ]
Did you see that? What is he doing?
Is that a desk? Or is that the tiny table
that separates the pizza from the box?
[ Laughter ]
And here's some news about the President-elect.
Over the weekend, Joe Biden ran into
a little trouble while playing with his dog.
Listen to this. -The President-elect,
he spent Sunday night at the doctor's office
after twisting his ankle playing with his dog.
Biden's doctor says, after a CT scan,
he ended up with hairline fractures in his right foot.
He'll probably have to be in a boot for a little while.
-Biden was like, "Ah, it's no big deal.
I've been dealing with a fractured hairline for years."
[ Laughter ]
When the news broke, Kamala Harris was stretching
in the bullpen like, "I guess I'm getting in the game
sooner than I thought." [ Laughter ]
"Ooh! Let's go." I feel bad for Biden, though.
Nobody wants to start a new job in a walking boot.
It's hard to act tough with China when you have to
leave a press conference on one of those knee scooters.
[ Laughter ] [ Bell ringing ]
I couldn't -- I don't know how to make the space work work.
You know, those things. [ Bell ringing ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Bell ringing continues ] No, okay.
Hey, here's a big -- a big sp-- Here's a burg?
Here's a burg. Here's a burger for you.
Who else wants a burger? -A burger, I want a burger.
-Anybody else want a burger? -Give me a burger.
-Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, burger, no problem.
Oh, here's a big sports story for you here.
[ Laughter ]
You love sports, don't you, Tariq?
-Uh, pretty much no. [ Laughter ]
-Well, here's one for you. The Denver Broncos had to face
the New Orleans Saints without any of their quarterbacks.
Watch this.
-In Denver, practice squad receiver Kendall Hinton
got the start for the Broncos
after all of the team's quarterbacks
were disqualified over coronavirus concerns.
-The Broncos lost, 31-3.
Hinton completed just one pass, overall.
-Oh, man. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, the NFL saw the Oscars go without a host and said,
"We can top that." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, the Broncos played without a quarterback and lost, 31-3.
Even more upsetting, the Jets had their starting quarterback
and still lost just as bad. [ Laughter ]
Listen to this. Tecate beer,
which is made in Holland -- Did you know that?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
It is made in Holland, so it's now facing a lawsuit
for posing as a Mexican beer.
Tough year for fans of Mexican beer.
You got fake Tecate or you got Corona.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news. I saw that Netflix
is being pressured by the British government
to put a disclaimer on "The Crown,"
saying that it's fictional. Yeah.
They also want everyone to know that Helena Bonham Carter
is not actually the Queen's sister.
She's an actress.
And also, you see those credits you see rolling at the end?
Doesn't happen in real life. [ Laughter ]
It's what they call a TV show.
I don't know what to make of this.
In a new interview, George Clooney revealed
some interesting information about how he cuts his hair.
Watch this.
-I've been cutting my own hair for 25 years.
So, years ago, I bought a -- a thing called a Flowbee.
It comes with a vacuum cleaner and the clippers?
-Yes! -Yeah. I still have it.
My haircuts take literally two minutes.
I go -- -Is this -- Is this Flowbee?
-Yeah, it's Flowbee.
[ Laughter ] -What?
-No. -No.
-If you think that's crazy,
I heard he manscapes with a Slap Chop.
[ Laughter ] That's what I heard.
And, finally, I saw that Oreo is now selling
a cookie-scented candle on their Website.
I'm already excited for tomorrow's headline --
"Florida man rushed to ER after eating lit candle."
Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving.
Did you -- Did you -- Did you spatchcock?
-I did. -You did?
-Yeah. -How did it turn out?
-Best turkey I've ever made, man.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -I mean, yeah.
-Because you've talked the talk before.
-I have, but I walk the walk, as well.
-Yeah, but usually you spatchcock
and then you throw it on the grill.
-Yeah, but -- Yeah, I didn't grill this time.
Well, I spatchcocked it, I put it on the grill,
but just the oven grill. Like not outside, like on the --
-Yeah, on the barbecue grill. -Yeah, no.
-But is it better than that, even?
-Better. Better than anything ever.
-Spatchcock is the -- You butterfly the turkey.
-Yeah. -Yeah, you take the backbone.
-I just told you that Thursday, right?
-No, last year, you told me. -Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, I mean -- Whatever.
I don't really pay attention to you.
[ Laughter ] When -- When --
The night I texted --
My assistant reads me the texts that you send.
[ Laughter ]
No, you told me you were the doing that,
but I was like, "Oh, did you really do it?"
You went for it. -Yeah. It was awesome.
-Yeah. It was a -- it was a fun Thanksgiving, I think, for us.
I mean, we got invited to do the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
We got invited to -- oh. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Which is an honor just to even be invited there.
But then we got asked to open
the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,
which is unbelievable. We were so excited about that.
We got -- I got here around 6:40, 6:30, something like that.
And it was raining cats and dogs.
I go, "Oh, man."
Already, the idea of pulling off a parade is tough.
But to do it during a rain is just gonna be insane.
But we got there. They did a great job --
NBC, also New York City did a great job.
Thank you, Bill de Blasio,
for even letting it happen and do it.
It made a lot of people happy. So, we were in the Macy's --
Actually in the department store for the first time.
-Yeah. -That was our holding --
-That was our dressing room. -It was so bizarre.
Our dressing room was in Macy's.
It was all dolled up for Christmas and all that stuff.
And we were practicing the dancing.
It was like, "Oh, my gosh."
And we got to perform live, which we never get to do.
-Yeah. -Because if you're on the float,
there's no way you can mic those things,
so you have to, like, lip-sync to a track.
Which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.
There was one year, it was so cold,
I couldn't even move my lips. -Yeah, wow.
-It was like -- yeah. But it was wild.
And again, I want to thank our choreographer, Sarah O'Gleby,
who always is just -- [ Cheers and applause ]
She is so talented.
And made it so fun. I love that.
It was -- It was definitely a memorable Thanksgiving.
But happy we got to do that
and make a lot of people laugh and smile.
But another thing happened on Thanksgiving --
the dog show, the national dog show.
-Mm. -Yeah. You watch that?
-Of course. -Yeah, of course.
There was a very interesting dog there.
Check this out.
-Here's the Miniature American Shepherd.
This dog is named Love that Jimmy Fallon.
Said they named him Jimmy because of his high energy
and goofy personality. There you go, Jimmy.
[ Laughter ] -Wait. What?
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's real? -That's real.
-What's up with --
-"Love that Jimmy Fallon" was the name of that dog.
-Yeah, man, he's got a goofy personality, so...
[ Laughter ] What else you gonna call him?
-Yeah, well -- No, I mean -- Well, he's a
Miniature American Shepherd, from Denton, Texas,
which is outside of Dallas.
But I was looking at the dog.
You know, 'cause I watch these things,
and honestly, a flawless physical specimen...
[ Laughter ]
...of an animal. The judges loved him.
[ Laughter ]
They were in awe of him, I think.
And, you know, more importantly, they respected him...
[ Laughter ]
...is what -- That's what I took --
That's what I took away from watching
Love that Jimmy Fallon on the dog show.
I don't know. Let's see how he did.
-The Miniature American Shepherd --
there's your winner of the herding group.
-Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ]
The winner!
Yeah, so I open the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,
and I won the dog show, so... -You got Best in Show.
-I had the best Thanksgiving I ever had.
Yeah, it was awesome.