- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(Dramatic music)
- Welcome to breaking news the only show
where we have no idea what were about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Baby Ducklings That Think Their Mom Is A Cat.
(dramatic sound effect)
- And I'm the aforementioned cat.
Just kidding.
I'm on Jane
Simpson.
(Grant laughs) (dramatic sound)
- Firefighters were called to a Vestavia Hills home when--
(stumbles on words) (dramatic sound)
Okay, you know.
Firefighters were called to a Vestavia Hills home
when a local man was stuck in a chimney
at a family Christmas stunt gone wrong.
- The man apparently got halfway down the chimney
of the shitty little house,
then remembered that he didn't celebrate Christmas,
and that scared him for some reason.
- The firefighters on the scene
had to use the jaws of life
to absolutely rip that chimney another asshole
and an awesome display
of firefighter versus chimney.
- Awesome indeed, Baby Ducklings.
- Hmm.
- I can show people a picture later
if you give me three days
to pull it up on my old ass phone.
- Oh I'd love to see that Oh Jane.
- If anyone can hear me
I think I'm running out of air.
- Up next, Raisins.
Are they really anything?
A new report shows
that eating just three raisins a day
are enough to make you gross to be around.
Gross like a greasy teenage cousin
that only ever wears the same
two thread bare Hot Topic t-shirts.
(laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
And it's not like he's poor.
You're positive he's got other clothes.
I guess he's just Tyler being Tyler.
Are you not entertained?
Well than get ready for entertainment news
with Mr. Juicy Cauldron.
- Hi.
Mr.Juicy Cauldron here with this week's entertainment beat.
In movie news, a sequel to "Saving Private Ryan"
has finally been green lit.
(laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
"Losing Grand Daddy Private Ryan",
will follow Ryan's bad grandchildren as they find out
what to do when Grandpa goes bye bye.
That's right, their Paw Paw has ski daddled,
and it's up to them to make a new Grandpa
out of materials lying around the house.
The three Grandchildren have one hour each
to make the best fake Grandpa.
After which they face the judges Tom Colicchio--
(Grant Laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
And Padma Lakshmi who will decide which new Grandpa
they should bring to life
with their magic powerful judge magic.
(dramatic sound effect)
I guess when I said movie news, I lied.
This is a reality show on Food Network.
(laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
But can I say--
(dramatic sound effect)
You mess with the cauldron, you're gonna get the juice.
Ouch, ouch, ow!
A searing pain just shot through my dick.
(laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
- You gonna get that checked out, Juice?
- Get what checked?
My oil?
Oil of oregano. (dramatic sound effect)
No, no, no.
- Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin
reportedly tied the know this weekend
in a small ceremony on Gullah Gullah Island.
Justin, dying to be a Cub Scout,
had just been working at the--
(stumbles on words)
Oh God. (dramatic sound effect)
Justin, dying to be a cub scout,
had been working on his knot tying badge for weeks,
and finally got Hailey to help him cheat on the test,
just before breaking up with her
and buying some fresh Crocs.
- Shut up you idiots.
We have some breaking news.
There's been reports of a moose
running through the Mall of America.
We go live to Deuce Bigalow,
(dramatic sound effect) Irish seamstress on the scene.
- Thanks Oh Jane.
I'm here live at the Mall of America
where the moose is indeed loose.
Local authorities must deduce the correct method
to boost this loose moose
from the mall's very own train caboose.
- Deuce, have they tried yelling at the moose?
Yelling loud things like, "Get outta here Moose!"
or, "If you don't leave I'll call the moose cops!"
- Or maybe something like,
"You're just a tall deer and everyone knows that!
You have to leave!"
- How about yelling, "Moose, you're canceled!"
- They've indeed tried yelling all those things.
They've also tried calling it an Uber
and turning all the open signs to closed.
But this moose is one smart goose.
- I've decided my name is now Mr. Moosy Cauldron.
No wait, Moose Vilanche.
(laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
No wait, Benedodo Cummerbunso.
(dramatic sound effect)
Wee I'm Rachel now.
(laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
- Oh this just in.
They've lost the moose in Build-a-Bear
and are just gonna call it a day.
- That's probably good enough.
- As we wrap up our newscast,
Oh Jane has something he wants to share.
- That's right, Baby Ducklings.
Tonight is my final newscast as co-anchor.
Co-lead anchor.
As I step down from this post
I can't help but remember all the amazing news we've broken.
And the journalism we've journaled.
- I speak for everyone when I say, trees?
(sighs)
(breaths deeply)
(swallows loudly)
(breaths deeply)
Well are you sure we can't get you to stay?
- You've convinced me, I'll stay.
My real phone number is--
(David and Brennan laugh) (dramatic sound effect)
(Grant laughs) (dramatic sound effect)
My real phone number is--
(bleeping noise)
That's my real phone number.
(dramatic sound effect)
- Wonderful.
- Well that's all the time we have.
This week's loser is of course me.
Of course.
(sighs)
Goodnight to all our viewers.
Goodnight and good baby ducklings.
- Woo!
- I'm gonna call you now.
- Yep, everybody can.
- I'm gonna call you our executive producer.
- I'm awaiting that call. - All right.
- Amongst others.