["The Twelve Days of Christmas" playing]
[splat!]
[dunnn!]
Nooooooooooooooo!!!
It can't be!
[unwrapping sounds]
LJN... made a video game console.
It's bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty dysfunctional video games...
...but now, to make a whole fucking console! The biggest turd LJN ever shat.
Let's take a look: "Hours of creative fun." Ohh, I'm SURE...
Do I really have to play this thing? I'd rather analyze the styrofoam that came with it. It's far more exciting!
See that right there? Maybe somebody's cat stepped on it.
See all the scuff marks? I wonder what that's all from? It's like an archaeological record.
It's like styrofoam keeps a fingerprint of the past. It's interesting.
Okay, let's cut the shit.
[squish!]
Ah, let's hook this thing up.
Ohhhhhhh...
No, oh no, oh NO!!!
Augh, I hate these! These things come from hell!
These are the Devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!
The box says it's for ages 5 and up. Adult guidance needed for hookup.
I think we're going to need more like *spiritual* guidance!
So we plug this fucker in and here we go.
[static]
Well, you have to admit: sure has a killer soundtrack!
Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks, Megaman, Castlevania...
No, tell 'em about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now, like...
"Huh, how does that one go? I don't remember that." "Oh it goes like..."
Kssssssshhhhhh!!!
The game has no sound.
This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise.
So, technically, it *does* have sound, but it's fucking static!
This kind of shit is the reason the mute button was invented.
Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General...
...and, while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!
If you turn on the console without a game cartridge in it, you get a blank screen that you can doodle on.
The console comes packaged with one cartridge. If you put that in, you get a bunch of pre-done drawings that you can mess with.
The joystick moves the cursor about.
To draw, or should I say, to scribble around like a blind golden lion tamarin on speed...
...you hold down the button. This presses the pen down, so to say.
The joystick is already overly sensitive...
...one slight move and your cursor flies all over the place.
Having to press *down* on the joystick at the same time as you're trying to move it only adds to the frustration.
Why could there be a separate button like Atari 2600?
There *are* two other buttons on the controller, but they're for locking the verticals and horizontals, so you can draw a straight line.
Maybe we can get some lasers coming out of the parrot's eyes!
Yeah, it's my best.
The diagonals are the biggest problem. I just want to see if I can draw a circle.
Aaahhhh!!!
Ohhh, man!
Gahh! Fuck!
That's it. With my best practice, *that's* the best circle I can possibly draw.
I can draw draw rounder shapes on an Etch-A-Sketch!
That's my best spiral...
That's my best person.
I'm not joking around; the controls are SO bad... that's the best I can do!
Look at the family on the box. What could they possibly be so overjoyed about?
"Look, look, mom! Yeah, I drew a fucking line!"
Ugh....
Can you even tell what I'm trying to do here? I'm trying to give the panda a bottle of beer.
I can't even make a visual joke here. This game gives me nothing to work with.
Let's try to color in the nose.
I can't even land the cursor inside the nose!
Ah... uh... uhhh... ah...!
And when you're pressing down and rocking the joystick around like this... it squeaks!
[obnoxious squeaking]
Auugh!
[squeaking]
Auuuuughhh, that's AWFUL!
This is worse than the static, and this you *can't* turn down.
So, guess you gotta get some really strong earmuffs.
And just to add insult to injury, on the box, the panda is colored in perfectly.
How can you market it as a coloring program when there isn't even a way to color anything in?
[more squeaking]
Ugh... Shouldn't there be a paint bucket tool? That's the most basic thing. Why is there no paint bucket tool?
Even "Color a Dinosaur", which I *thought* was the worst coloring game ever made...
Even THAT had a paint bucket tool.
This makes "Color a Dinosaur" look amazing!
I've made better drawings as a kid in Microsoft Paint!
Seriously! These are my actual drawings as a kid done in Microsoft Paint!
Does LJN Video Art have ANY good aspects?
Well, I guess you can change the color of the pen.
You can change the color of the background.
You can erase...
...one pixel at a time!
This is the worst thing ever.
Etch-A-Sketch is better than this, and that doesn't even need electricity or forks to screw in your TV.
You can give it the benefit of it being 1987 and one of the first of its kind.
Later, there were games like "Art Alive" on the Sega Genesis, which was pretty cool...
...and "Wacky Worlds Creativity Studio", which came with a mouse.
But the one I have the most fond memories of is "Mario Paint" on Super NES
You can draw either freestyle or with a coloring book...
with plenty of different pens, brushes, colors, and patterns to work with.
But it wasn't just about what you can do, but more about the overall presentation of it.
For example, they give you so many creative ways to erase the drawing.
[fast-forwarding sound effect]
It's unnecessary, but it's cool.
Even the save feature, which takes an insane amount of time just to save one shitty drawing...
...is *still* cool, because you get that catchy beat to make the time fly by.
♪ [pulsing chiptune music] ♪
The sound effects are so enjoyable.
I mean, it's awesome just the way when you click on the different color sets, it goes higher in pitch.
["donk" increasing in pitch]
You can do simple animation, make music...
♪ ♫ ♪ [arf!] ♪ ♫ ♪ [meow!]
...even play a flyswatter game, and with the Super NES mouse, this was a fun experience.
You can even mess around with the title screen!
[boom!]
Looking back. It's not a very useful program.
You can't do a whole lot with it compared to computer programs today...
...but what made it great was the presentation. It made doing the most simple tasks a lot of fun.
LJN Video Art is not fun at all. It's a *disaster*.
No, human being should ever have the misfortune of playing this. And yes, the styrofoam was more interesting.
It doesn't even *qualify* as a video game console, but it comes with cartridges, so I guess, technically, it *is* a video game console!
Well, then it's the WORST video game console OF ALL TIME!
LJN has really outdone themselves this time!
The only thing worse would be to play it on the Roll & Rocker! Yeah, imagine that.
So, this concludes this marathon of crap. Twelve shitty relics from the ass of the past! Hope you enjoyed it.
Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess... you know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past?
I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you've all found some way to give them worth.
You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess.
Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one... whatever the case, I just wanted to bring you some joy
Hopefully you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, because it's that time of year where everybody, make happy! Be a comedian.
With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays in general, and I'll see you in 2015.
Get ready for those self-lacing shoes, hoverboards, and flying cars!
♪ He's playing some games, the worst he recalls, he's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪