-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here! Thank you for being here.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. That applause lasted longer than CNN+.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. If you haven't heard, today
it was announced that the streaming service CNN+
is shutting down just 32 days after it launched.
That's right, CNN+ is gone, which means in six months,
it'll be turned into Spirit Halloween+.
[ Laughter ]
32 days, oh, my -- I've had avocados
that last longer than that. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was doing so badly, all they had to do was call
their one subscriber like,
"Hey, Doug, we're not going to do this."
[ Laughter ]
You could tell this was on the horizon though when CNN
had a CNN countdown clock to the end of CNN+.
It was very interesting. [ Laughter ]
Well, let's get to some news or what we think might be news.
Did you guys see this? Piers Morgan interviewed
former president Trump,
and he released a promo that shows Trump storming out
after refusing to admit that he lost the election.
But now Trump is claiming he never stormed out
and that Piers Morgan actually doctored the footage.
[ Laughter ]
In Trump's defense,
I really don't see him "storming" anywhere.
[ Laughter ]
If you haven't seen the clip, here it is.
-The most explosive interview of the year.
-I don't think you're real.
Very dis-- Let's finish up the interview.
-Morgan versus Trump. -Turn the camera off.
Very dishonest.
[ Laughter ]
-My only question is has Trump been living at Mar-A-Lago
or under a heat lamp at Golden Corral?
[ Laughter ] I was wondering.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I was wondering that.
He's done! -Nice.
-Flip him over!
-Texas toast. [ Laughter ]
-Speaking of crazy things on TV, last night was a new episode of
"The Masked Singer," and the Jack-in-the-box
was revealed to be Rudy Giuliani.
Watch this.
-Oh, my goodness!
Former associate attorney general --
-Oh, my God.
-Former mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani!
-♪ I'm here to tell you, honey ♪
♪ That I'm bad to the bone ♪
♪ Bad to the bone ♪
♪ Bad, real bad, very bad ♪
[ Laughter ]
-You know, it actually takes talent not to hit any notes.
I think that's actually -- [ Laughter ]
After seeing that, the CDC reinstated the mask mandate.
They're like, "Put the mask back on now.
Now we're putting the mask back on."
That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Just put it -- For all of us."
Well, this was nuts. Last night, the Army --
the Army dropped parachutists into the Washington Nationals'
baseball stadium, but the FAA forgot to tell the Capitol
it was happening, so they thought the plane was a threat
and evacuated the Capitol.
[ Audience laughs, gasps ]
Come on, you can't sneak up on the Capitol like that!
That's like throwing a surprise party for someone
who just had a heart attack. It's like, "Hey!"
Can't do that! [ Laughter ]
Thankfully, everything was fine until Nancy Pelosi got back
and was like, "Damn it, who the hell took my podium again?
Alright, come on now. It's not funny."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, get this. Apparently a source close to
Bernie Sanders said that he might run for president in 2024
if Joe Biden doesn't.
So I guess the Democratic ticket in 2024
is between the Muppets in the balcony.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Statler 2024!"
Hey, here's some good news.
Today is Queen Elizabeth's 96th birthday.
Hey! [ Cheers and applause ]
Happy birthday.
And to celebrate, the royal family posted
a brand-new photo of her.
This is real. Take a look at this.
Yeah.
Wow, the new "Game of Thrones" spinoff looks great.
I think it's -- [ Laughter ]
Who knows?
I'm telling you, she's got to stop feeding the corgis.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Looks like she's starring in a Budweiser commercial.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the Queen turned 96 today,
and we wanted to wish her a happy birthday
the only way we know how.
So without further ado, please welcome the wait staff
from the Times Square Applebee's.
Come on out, guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Applebee's is fun, it's true ♪
-♪ Especially when we sing for you ♪
-♪ Good news is we sing for free ♪
-♪ Bad news is we sing off-key ♪
-♪ Sound off ♪ -♪ Happy ♪
-♪ Sound off ♪ -♪ Birthday ♪
-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you very much, guys. Good to see you, everybody.
Thank you for being here.
That was good. Not bad.
That's the real -- -Aw, such a thrill.
-Times Square Applebee's, go get their autograph tonight, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Well, people are talking about this.
In Florida, a bride and wedding caterer have been arrested
for allegedly lacing the lasagna at her wedding with cannabis.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Don't clap for that.
[ Laughter ]
People were suspicious after watching the bride and groom
feed each other the entire wedding cake.
[ Laughter ]
That definitely explains why the father/daughter dance
was to a four-hour Grateful Dead bootleg.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I heard about a man in North Carolina who robbed
a dollar store, regretted it, and then returned all the cash.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, apparently the guy looked around the store and said,
"You know, I think you guys need this more than I do."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a 21-year-old Chihuahua has officially claimed
the title of the world's oldest dog.
The dog is so old, he fetches the tennis ball,
and then puts it on the bottom of his walker.
We have a great show, everybody.