hey everyone and welcome to top think today we're going to learn about eight simple steps
to overcome shyness now let's begin number one make a fear scale hmm what scares you the most
no no no I'm not talking about spiders or clowns I'm talking about all the things in life that
you've spent years shying away from maybe you've always had trouble starting up conversations with
strangers or maybe you've never had the courage to ask out someone that you really really like
for this step to work I need you to think about every single thing that you're afraid to do
now ask yourself why you're scared of these situations what is it about that particular
activity that makes you uncomfortable now as you dive deeper into these intimidating scenarios I
want you to give them a rating from 1 to 10 now a 1 is something that only scares you a little
bit in the right environment you'd probably take a shot at it on the other hand a 10 is something
that you're absolutely terrified of these are the activities that you can't even imagine yourself
doing ok so once you've given each of your fears a number put them all together what you've just
created is called a fear scale fear scales are tools that shy people use to gradually come out
of their shell you start at the bottom of your fear scale with the ones in the twos yeah these
are your easiest most accessible fears now you put them at the bottom because they really aren't that
intimidating so these are the activities that you should tackle first all right let's say that you
put being assertive on your fear scale you're not that worried about it so you gave this activity
of one that low rating makes being assertive the perfect place to start for the next week I want
you to make it your goal to stand your ground at least two or three times face your fear cross it
off your list and then move on up to the next level slowly but surely you'll work your way
toward the higher end of the spectrum and you'll notice something weird happening fours will feel
like twos eight so feel like sixes situations that absolutely terrified you will feel more doable
than ever number to decipher your relationships shyness is associated with meeting new people
but it also affects the relationships that you're already in in fact you can learn a lot about your
shyness by looking at the quality of your social relationships this idea is based on something
called attachment theory attachment theory is a psychological model that describes various
kinds of relationships just think about all the different relationships that you have in your
life some of them might be strong and secure while others are chaotic and inconsistent you
might have a certain dynamic with your partner and a completely different dynamic with your
friends attachment theory organizes all of these relationships into one of four groups
secure anxious avoidant anxious ambivalent and disorganized now we won't talk about what each
group stands for but it's worth exploring on your own if you're interested so what does all this
have to do with shyness well your relationships give you a glimpse into the ways that shyness
changes your behavior just imagine you're someone who runs away from emotional conversations with
your friends now you might do the same thing when you're feeling shy instead of embracing
the unknown you might avoid the things in life that scare you understanding how your shyness
works is a huge step toward real behavioral change once you know what to look for you'll have a much
easier time catching yourself in the act number three familiarity with unfamiliarity sometimes
shyness revolves around your environment at home or at your friend's house you might be a really
outgoing person you enjoy meeting new people you're always making jokes and you have no
problem coming out of your shell but the moment you go somewhere new you clam up how can you be
confident in some environments but shy in others well the problem is unfamiliarity when you're in
an environment that you know that familiar context will unlock the best version of you it suppresses
your insecurities because you're immersed in a place where you feel calm and comfortable now
in a new environment your nerves go haywire you feel overwhelmed by unfamiliar people in places
so that confident side of you quickly disappears luckily there's an easy way to get rid of this
kind of shyness before you can feel confident in any new environment you need more experience with
unfamiliarity okay let's say you really really want to put yourself out there at a work event
next weekend but it's happening somewhere that you've never been understandably you're nervous
you're worried you'll be too shy to talk to anyone so what should you do to boost your confidence
during the week visit a few uncomfortable places yeah put yourself in environments that are far
or far outside your comfort zone and that way when next weekend rolls around your party won't
feel any scarier than the places that you've already been number four coin your phrase
everyone knows practice makes perfect rehearsing something beforehand will give you a nice boost
of confidence in the heat of the moment why well because you're taking something uncomfortable and
you're making it feel comfortable using that same idea let's explore another easy step you can take
to come out of your shell without really coming out of your shell I call this one coining your
phrase coining something means to make it your own so when you coin a phrase you're putting
your stamp on that specific set of words it's almost like creating your own catchphrase but
instead of making a joke you're coining a phrase that will smooth over the most nerve-racking part
of any conversation the very beginning all you need to do is figure out an intro that captures
who you are think about things like where are you from how do you normally talk how casual do
you want that conversation to be these questions will help you hone in on an intro that's perfect
for any situation so whether you're at work at home or at a party you'll always have your coin
phrase to fall back on yeah I know it doesn't seem like much but this small change makes
all the difference number-5 direct your attention outward over the years researchers have discovered
something interesting about shy people they're unintentionally self-absorbed hmm I know that
sounds bad but this kind of self absorption is really different from arrogance or narcissism
shy people don't think they're the greatest thing since sliced bread but they do have trouble paying
attention to anyone but themselves if you're a shy person you might spend a huge amount
of time analyzing your looks and your behavior you might be worried about embarrassing yourself
but that self absorption is making your shyness ten times worse that's why researchers recommend
paying more attention to the people around you the more compassionate you are or the less time
you'll spend over analyzing yourself you'll be so distracted by other people that your
shyness will just fade into the background number six rearrange your expectations not
everyone can be incredibly extroverted some people are better suited for the spotlight
while others are quiet and introspective no matter how much you want to be a super sociable person it
might be unrealistic for your personality type now that doesn't mean you can't have a healthy
social life just don't expect to suddenly become the most outgoing person in the world this is a
mistake that tons of shy people make they imagine a hypothetical version of themselves that excels
in every social situation they spend years chasing this exaggerated version of their future but it's
just not real it's not something they could ever accomplish because whether they like it or not
they're just not built that way so if you want to overcome your shyness set realistic expectations
for yourself now that doesn't mean you should expect less just don't expect too much either
your social expectations need to make sense for you as an individual otherwise you'll never make
any progress but if you keep your expectations in check you'll develop the kind of ideal self
that gives you something real to look forward to number seven conquer one new challenge many
people try to overcome their shyness by tackling 100 problems at once they think they need to fix
all other fears in one fell swoop but instead of conquering everything they end up accomplishing
nothing if you're looking for an effective way to get over your shyness focus your attention on one
challenge just one pick one new thing that scares you it could be a hobby that you've
always been too hesitant to try or maybe it's a person that you've always wanted to get to know
whatever it is invest your time and energy into that one single challenge the goal of this step
is to change the way you approach your shyness don't try to change your personality don't make
yourself act like a different person just don't force it and the rest will come naturally number
eight eliminate your scapegoats as you take on new challenges you might notice yourself
falling back into old patterns at parties you might hide in the corner by yourself or you
might use your workload to justify skipping fun social events both are common scapegoats that
shy people use to protect themselves from their fears I like to think of these scapegoats like
the inflatable tubes that you bring into the pool on one hand they stop you from sinking but on the
other hand they keep you from swimming freely my point here is instead of protecting you your
scapegoats are holding you back they're giving you a comfortable way to avoid challenging yourself or
taking risks and if you're not careful you'll spend your whole life floating above water and
just wishing you had the courage to find out what was waiting below the surface so figure
out what habits you use to protect yourself and get rid of them even if it's just for a
couple of hours this step gives you the chance to put your shyness behind you hey thank you
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