When last we left our intrepid protagonist, Dante Alighieri,
he and his dashing guide Virgil had just emerged from Hell and out into Purgatory.
Here, for those unfamiliar with the location,
souls that are unworthy to go to Heaven but not bad enough dudes to deserve Hell
purge themselves of their mortal sins so they can become worthy of going to Heaven.
So... Purgatory is a mountain, or more specifically,
an island in the middle of the southern half of the western hemisphere
on the opposite side of the world to Italy.
And fun fact: Dante, at this point in history, had no idea that the Americas were a thing
so Purgatory was proudly declared to be the *only* land mass in that part of the world.
Oh the enlightened world in which we live.
Anyway, Purgatory is structured as follows:
you start at the bottom, climb up through seven terraces corresponding to the seven deadly sins,
and when you get to the top of the mountain you can go to Heaven.
The terraces of Purgatory vary wildly between mildly uncomfortable and hellishly terrifying,
which is also a pretty accurate model for the overall tone of the book.
Purgatory is solidly between Heaven and Hell, so it makes sense that it'd be a little inconsistent in tone.
So our story begins with Dante and Virgil at the bottom of the mountain,
chatting with this old dude Cato whose job it is to direct the noobs in the right direction.
Cato is rather curious as to how exactly the two of them busted out of Hell,
and Virgil's like, "No, it's cool, his dead girlfriend sent us."
And Cato's like, "Ahh, young love."
And lets them through.
While they're there, a boat full of new dead dudes show up and,
Purgatory not being burdened with an overabundance of road signs, the new guys immediately get lost.
Cato is like, "Pardon me, duty calls," and starts herding them in the right direction,
so Dante and Virgil move on to the lowest part of Purgatory, specifically Ante-Purgatory,
where the people who weren't quite Christian enough to go to Heaven
have to wait another lifetime's worth of years before they can advance up the mountain to the first terrace.
It's boring, but at least it's pretty.
Dante and Virgil chill out with this dude Sordello who's a Mantuan just like Virgil.
Sordello tells them that Purgatory has only one rule, and it's not "Don't talk about Purgatory."
It's impossible to climb the mountain when the sun goes down;
you can only advance through Purgatory during the day.
So Dante and Virgil spend the night in this gorgeous valley in Ante-Purgatory
where all the souls sing Kumbaya or whatever.
And the next morning, Dante wakes up at the gates of Purgatory proper.
According to Virgil, as soon as the sun rose,
some angelic lady showed up and carried the sleeping Dante up here.
Hey, easier than walkin'.
Anyway, the gate is guarded by an angel who takes his big honking sword
and uses it to carve seven P's into Dante's forehead, one for each terrace.
That is hardcore! Dante should be on an album cover.
Anyway, as he climbs through the mountain, the P's will be erased one by one as he passes through the terraces.
See it's symbolic of him losing his sins as he climbs up to Heaven and...
ahh whatever, if you wanted an in-depth symbolic analysis you'd be over on SparkNotes right now.
So the angel unlocks the gate with two keys, one silver and one gold.
Symbolism? Totally symbolism.
And Dante and Virgil go on their merry way.
One side note before we continue.
Similarly to the Inferno, Dante is kind of a rock star in the eyes of the souls of Purgatory,
being lucky enough to get the guided tour of the afterlife while not being dead.
So he's routinely accosted by people he knows or has heard of
and because this is a near-constant thing, I'm skipping over most of that
because who wants to hear me read the 14th century equivalent of the phone book?
So the first terrace is devoted to pride
and souls in this terrace are weighed down by huge stones that force them to bow.
~SYMBOLISM~
Now there are a few important differences between Purgatory and Hell.
Well... I mean there are a lot of differences between Purgatory and Hell,
but the relevant one in this case is that in Purgatory,
the terraces are filled with examples of the good side of humanity.
And in this terrace, this is displayed through statues and carvings representing humility.
So while the souls are going through suffering and climbing the mountain,
they're also seeing what they'll become after they strip their sins away.
They're also all singing for some reason, and in my experience,
singing while climbing mountains makes the climbing more difficult, but whatever.
~Symbolism~
Anyway, Virgil mentions that Dante's a pretty proud dude
and Dante contemplates how much time he's likely gonna have to spend in this terrace
when he finally kicks the bucket.
So they reach the edge of the terrace and the angel of humility pops up
and magically erases one of the P's from Dante's forehead.
Now it's on to terrace number two, the terrace of envy.
Here, disembodied voices talk about the great benefits of generosity.
But, unlike in the first terrace, there are no visual aids to accompany the soundtrack.
No statues, carvings, none of that.
The reason for this becomes clear when we see that the souls in this terrace
have their eyes sewn shut.
*scream*
Yeah, Purgatory isn't all fun and games.
Dante and Virgil scoot on through to the edge of the next terrace,
where the angel of generosity pops up and erases the second P on Dante's forehead.
So Dante and Virgil move on to the third terrace, with the corresponding sin of wrath.
In contrast with the...
...unsettlingly horrifying nature of the previous terrace's punishment,
this one is just swathed in a blinding acrid mist.
Dante has a brief convo with one of the souls here about the nature of free will,
and then he and Virgil reach the edge of the terrace.
The angel of peace erases the third P from Dante's face and they continue on.
But before they reach the fourth terrace, Virgil teaches Dante about looove.
♪ ["Careless Whisper" by George Michael] ♪
*record scratch* No, no, no, no, no, not like that.
It's because the next four terraces are all about sins that are messed up forms of love.
That is, sloth, greed, gluttony, and lust.
Here, sloth is defined as insufficient love.
So in terrace number four,
sloth is purged through rigorous years of middle school gym class punishment tactics.
That is, running in circles forever.
So the sun goes down, and Dante has a dream about a hideous siren who entrances him with a song.
But he is snapped out of it by some other lady.
And then Virgil wakes him up and they move on to the gate of the fifth terrace,
where the angel of zeal erases the fourth P from Dante's forehead.
And then they pass through to the fifth terrace, where greed is purged.
So on this terrace, all the souls here are, well... stuck lying face-down on the ground.
Given that this punishment involves being unable to move,
I have no idea how you're supposed to be able to climb past this terrace,
but there's no time to ponder that because suddenly there's an earthquake and everybody starts singing!
What is happening?!
Anyway, then they notice that someone else is climbing the mountain behind them.
His name is Statius, by the way, and Virgil asks him what was up with the quake.
Statius is like, "Oh, well you see, Purgatory isn't affected by normal tectonic or climatic events.
Here, we have earthquakes every time a soul finishes up here and is ready to go to Heaven."
And Virgil's like, "Huh... so who's the lucky guy?"
And Statius is like, "It's all me, baby."
So anyway our dynamic duo continue upward towards the sixth terrace,
where the angel of justice erases the fifth P from Dante's forehead.
And then it's on to the terrace of gluttony,
where Dante straight up rips off Tantalus' punishment for the penance of this circle.
Here, gluttons starve in a forest of fruit trees, where all the fruit is juuust out of reach.
Dante's more confused about how dead people can even starve since they don't have to eat anymore,
and Virgil's like, "Don't ask stupid questions."
Yeah, you know the drill — Dante talks to some dudes, gets to the gate,
the angel of temperance erases a P from his face, and they move on.
The seventh terrace is lust, and it mixes up the formula a little bit with an enormous wall of flame.
Symbolism?
So yeah, the relevant souls are in this wall of fire, just kind of chilling.
*chuckles*
And again, they're baffled by Dante's aliveness.
Dante talks with a few of these lusty dudes, and then Virgil's like,
"Okay, now we need to walk into the fire."
And Dante's like, "Excuse you?"
And Virgil's like, "Come on, don't wimp out on me now,"
and Dante's like, "There is no way I'm gonna set myself on fire for your amusement."
And Virgil's like, "Oh, then I guess you don't wanna see your ~dead girlfriend~."
So Dante and Virgil take a stroll through the fire.
When they get to the other side, the angel of purity erases the last P from Dante's forehead.
The sun sets and Dante falls asleep
and then has yet another symbolism-laden dream about women.
Man this guy really needs a girlfriend.
But yeah, the women in question are Leah and Rachel,
two Biblical ladies who represent the active Christian lifestyle or something.
Anyway, Dante wakes up, and he and Virgil head onward to the last part of Purgatory,
the Earthly Paradise at the very top of the mountain.
Wait, did I say Dante *and* Virgil?
See, the thing is, Virgil can't really guide him any further,
mostly because he still technically belongs in Hell.
Fortunately for all of us, this doesn't mean he has to leave.
He can still *go with* Dante, he just won't be guiding him anymore.
So Dante makes it up to the Earthly Paradise, the very top of Purgatory.
Unsurprisingly, the Earthly Paradise is gorgeous and lovely and pretty much the best thing ever.
In the Earthly Paradise, Dante and Virgil find a lady Matilda
who starts guiding them through the Earthly Paradise
where they see a procession of a colorful array of characters that we don't really care about
because OH DANG, LOOK WHO'S WITH THEM, IT'S BEATRI-I-ICE.
That's right, Dante's dead girlfriend is finally here!
Yaaay!
But... Virgil's gone.
NOOOOOO—
Beatrice is like, "Quit crying, this is supposed to be a place of fun."
Turns out Beatrice is also pissed at Dante because after she died,
he—get this—fell in love with someone else.
Because nobody could be as pure and gorgeous as Beatrice.
This is something of a cardinal sin, and is in fact the whole reason she sent him to Hell in the first place.
Insert joke about jealous ex-girlfriends here.
Dante's still crying of course,
so Beatrice has her four handmaidens push him into the River Lethe to calm him down.
And also purge his memories of sin, but who cares about that.
So Dante emerges from the Lethe and Beatrice finally reveals her face,
which is so entrancingly gorgeous that Dante forgets to blink for a while.
Then there's some business with the Tree of Knowledge and Dante passes out.
When he wakes up, he scoots on over to Beatrice who's chilling under the Tree of Knowledge,
and Beatrice is like, "Okay, some crazy stuff is about to go down. Take notes."
Okay, so this is pretty weird. So pay attention.
First off, there's this chariot right?
It's tied to the tree of knowledge, a Griffin put it there, nobody cares. Okay.
Keep your eye on this chariot.
BOOM! Suddenly, eagle.
Eagle smacks into the chariot and twists it into a pretzel.
Next up: hungry fox. Jumps into the chariot, Beatrice punches it.
Eagle's back. This time it molts all over the chariot.
Then the ground splits open and a goddamn dragon shows up,
stabs the chariot, then drags a chunk of it back underground.
Okay. So that was weird.
Thennn the chariot grows four heads, turns into a giant and a prostitute,
and then the giant drags the prostitute off.
Purgatory's f***ing weird.
So Beatrice spits out a prophecy that somehow explains everything.
I don't get it. Neither does the internet.
And they push Dante into another river, which restores his good memories.
At this point, he's all set to head on over to heaven...
or something.