Santiago: It's a great picture sir.
Holt: I hate it.
Santiago: Me too.
So I have an eyewitness in the purse-snatcher case, only problem is the sketch artist is out sick.
How do you want me to proceed? Holt: Figure it out Santiago, it's your case. Santiago: Yes, I will do that.
Thank you.
Holt: Are you bowing?
Santiago: No.
This is how I walk.
Diaz: What do you need Quasimodo. I got to go meet Boyle and Peralta. Santiago: There's just something wrong with the captain.
It seems like he's in a bad mood. Diaz: I don't know, who can tell?
You alright captain?
Tough weekend? Holt: I went to Barbados with my husband. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays.
I've never been happier.
*Theme music*
Pimento: Diaz.
Diaz: Pimento.
Diaz: What's up. Pimento: What's up with you? I need you to sign this report. Diaz: Okay. I'll sign your report.
Jeffords: What the hell?!
Diaz: Careful. The ink's still wet.
Pimento: Maybe this'll help.
Jeffords: Okay, they got to knock that off.
Hitchcock: Loosen up Sarge. Scully: Summer of Love, baby.
Jeffords: It's March man, shut up.
Santiago: Sergeant, all of these are fine. How much longer are you gonna work on this?
Jeffords: It's questions like that that made van Gogh cut off his ear. You can't put a clock on art!
...10 minutes.
Santiago: Great. Let's catch this guy so we can give Holt some good news. I want to cheer him up.
Scully: Well, how do you even know he's in a bad mood? I mean, it's impossible to read that guy.
Holt: This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life!
Get your act together or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement.
Scully: It's like, what's that guy thinking, you know?
Santiago: I can read him, and if anyone can figure out what's bothering him, it's me.
He and I are exactly the same.
Except that I'm younger, Cuban, female, single, and straight.
Scully: Captain Holt's not gay.
Captain Holt's gay?
Santiago: Seriously man, just retire.
Holt: I'm gonna call the Commissioner-
Wuntch: Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh...
I know you never would have recommended me for that Boston post if deep down you didn't think I deserved the job.
Holt: What...the
Holt: Not much. When gay marriage was legalized, we weren't sure if or when it was gonna be struck down. So speed was of the essence.
Minister: Do you, Kevin-
Kevin: Yes.
Minister: And do you-
Holt: Yes, yes we do. We're married!
I remarked afterwards that I wish the o-fficiant had been more e-fficient.
It was very funny. Kevin still talks about it.
Ah! Maybe I should open with that zinger.
Diaz: I could have done that.
Pimento: Yeah. I know you could have but you didn't. I did.
Jeffords: I mean, there are lots of other poles guys. A whole street full of them.
Diaz: So Adrian.
When're we gonna stop messing around and do this thing?
Pimento: Uh...
Pimento: Never.
Diaz: What?
Pimento: You know what, I just realized I forgot something at home, I'm just gonna...
Jeffords: That was weird. You okay?
Diaz: Yes.
*Furiously staples dog's face*
Diaz: Now we're all sleeping in one room next to a cow orgy. I'd much rather be hanging out with you. what are you doing Boyle?
Becca: Just brushing my hair!
Diaz: Not you Becca. I was talking to Charles.
Boyle: I'm just bringing you some water. Diaz: Thanks.
Boyle: Mm-hmm. So, uh, who you talking to? Is that your mystery hunk?
Girl: Babe? Are you alright? Is everything ok?
Diaz: Yeah, it's fine. I'll call you back later.
Boyle: Is that a woman's voice? Diaz: It's my sister.
Boyle: Wait, she called you babe. When my cousin called me babe, you said relatives shouldn't do that.
What's really going on?
Diaz: I'm dating a woman.
Diaz: I'm bi.
Boyle: Oh! That's great!
That's great! Rosa, I just want you to know that I totally support-
Diaz: I don't want to talk about it right now, ok? Just leave it alone Boyle.
Becca: By all means.
Diaz: Not you, Becca!
Becca: Okay! I love you.
Boyle: I love you, too.
Woman #1: Are you ready for this one? Dani's daughter Anne's getting divorced.
I hate to say I told you so but, I told you so.
Woman #2: You know, we should fix her up with Bernice's son. What's his name? The doctor.
Holt: Oh, Vince. And he's not a doctor, he's a pharmacist.
Although that might appeal to Anne. Pop-pop-pop!
Woman #1: Greg! You're such a crack-up!
Forget Anne, who should we fix him up with, huh?
Holt: Oh Estelle, you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife.
She was such a...
Strong, female woman, with nice heavy breasts.
Peralta: Okay, quick update on the Warren Street break-in.
Security cameras caught a picture of the suspect and guess what? That's right. We got a hot perp alert!
Scully: That's a handsome man! Santiago: I'd like to bring that guy to justice.
Peralta: We all would, but unfortunately police cornered him and he shot himself in the face. *blows raspberry*
Holt: All right. Thank you for that shockingly dark update. Anything else?
Diaz: Ah yes, there's something I'd like to say. I'm a pretty private person, so this is kind of hard for me, but...
Here we go.
I'm bisexual.
All right, I will now fill one minute and zero seconds of questions pertaining to this, go. Amy?
Santiago: How long have you known? Diaz: Since seventh grade.
I was watching Saved by the Bell and I thought Zack Morris is hot and then I thought
Lisa turtle, also hot.
Peralta: The fact that the words Kelly and Kapowski didn't just come out of your mouth is lunacy.
Jeffords: What made you decide to tell us now? Diaz: Charles found out on the road trip, and I was positive
he was not gonna be able to keep the secret for much longer.
Boyle: Bye Rosa.
I mean, not "bi" but bye! I mean, see ya!
I mean, have fun only having sex with men. Just banging dudes, left and right.
I just stopped saying bye altogether.
Peralta: So are you seeing anyone now?
Diaz: Yeah, her name's Tiffany.
Peralta: Are you lying about her name so we won't look her up?
Diaz: Yes, I am. Next?
Scully: Do you know Anne Heche? Diaz: I do.
Holt: I must say this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues.
They were not, as the kids say, awake.
Peralta: Do you mean woke?
Holt: I did mean woke, but it's grammatically incoherent.
Diaz: Okay, we have time for one more question.
Hitchcock: Oh! oh oh oh! Diaz: Nope. Absolutely not. We're done
Hitchcock: Smart. It was not tasteful.
Holt: So I marched in there and I told him: I wanted that assistant manager position.
Woman #1: I wish my son had your backbone, then he could finally divorce Emily. What does he see in her anyway?
Holt: Probably her breasts, which are heavier than average. I don't mean to be crude ladies, but that's just how to straight mind works.
Pimento: Diaz.
Can we talk?
Diaz: What do you want, Pimento?
Pimento: Listen, Sarge gave me some really great advice.
So,
Rosa Diaz,
Will you marry me?
Diaz and Jeffords: What? Pimento: This is what you told me to do!
Jeffords: I barely said anything! You cut me off way too early. Diaz: Sarge, stay out of this.
Jeffords: Gladly.
Diaz: No, I will not marry you.
How about we just get a drink first?
Pimento: Yeah.
Yeah, that sounds nice. Jeffords: Oh, that's actually sweet.
Nope.
Diaz: Sarge. That painting is tight.
Jeffords: It's terrible. The brushwork is sloppy. It's poor use of negative space. I'm a fraud.
Holt: Not at all.
I'd like to take this home for my husband. He'll be glad you made me look so happy.
Jeffords: I was trying to make him look serious. I still can't read him.
Diaz: No one can.
Santiago: I can. He likes it.
Boyle: Hey. Diaz: Hey.
So, I didn't say anything about being bi because I didn't think it was anybody's business.
And I also didn't want anything to change.
Boyle: I get it. I'm sorry I'm so nosy.
Diaz: Actually felt really good to tell somebody on the squad, finally.
I'm glad it was you. Boyle: Alright.
Diaz: Also, now we go back to never talking about my love life again.
Boyle: Uh, request denied. Is her name Anne? Meredith? Kim? Erica? Moana?
Jeffords: I gotta hand it to you captain. That was some ceremony.
Holt: It wasn't difficult.
I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married.
Kevin: Oh, but then I never would have heard your hilarious efficient-officient quip.
Holt: Mm-hm. You're right. I regret nothing.
But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more...
festive expression of our commitment to one another.
Kevin: Are you suggesting we hold an honest-to-goodness wedding?
Holt: Nothing too elaborate. We're not the "Kardashian-West"s after all.
They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded.
Kevin: Yes. Yes. I know. They were answers on Jeopardy.
Holt: I think you mean questions.
Jeffords: You guys are fun.
Diaz: What's going on?
Peralta: Family game night! Boyle: Don't worry, I brought Twister.
Santiago: Hey. Jeffords: Hey Rosa.
Hitchcock: Hey Rosa. Scully: Hey Rosa. Snacks!
Linetti: You know, in another lifetime you and I would have made a hot-ass couple.
Diaz: Agreed.
Holt: Yes, you should be very proud of yourself.
I know things aren't exactly where you want to be right now.
But, uh, I promise you they will improve. Diaz: Thank you captain.
Holt: Every time someone steps up and says who they are,
the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
so...
Thank you.