- [Speaker] Hey, neighbor, how are you doing?
This flight is sure gonna be long one now, isn't it?
But you probably weren't even born
in the 80s now, were you?
Yeah, it was in the...
Yeah, one of the most exciting decades of my...
Man, I'm gonna have so much time on this trip,
I could practically learn a new language.
Let's see, hola, como estas,
I practically sound like Antonio Banderas.
(speaks in foreign language)
Just want everyone in my section to know
that I am going to be knitting for this entire flight
and I brought a crap load of yarn.
So if any of y'all want a sweater or a scarf,
I could even do mittens.
Just let me know.
Sir, what size are you?
Like an extra, extra large.
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend.
You did buy two seats, so I just figured.
Well, my phone's dead and I forgot my charger.
So now the only thing I have to do to pass the time
is the crossword puzzle in the back of this magazine.
This is only gonna take me like 10 minutes.
Seven letter word that means self-evident.
This should be obvious.
Six letters.
Pretty smart.
This crossword guy, he thinks he's so clever, doesn't he?
Come on.
Maybe nothing is as it seems.
Perhaps this crossword puzzle is a four
dimensional map, telling me how to escape the matrix.
When will this trip end?
I'll take a whiskey, please.
Alcohol affects people twice as much
at this high altitude than it does at sea level.
This is basically a buy one, get one happy hour.
Hey, let's play a game.
Let's play Who am I?
I'll go first.
Oh, my fellow Americans.
Oh, I'm Barack Obama.
Anyone else wanna go?
Okay, I'll go again.
Who am I?
But seriously, who am I?
I've spent so much time with you people
that I've lost sight of who I really am.
I need air.
I gotta get outta here.
Yeah, we got a lady pilot on this flight
so I was taking it as an opportunity to earn my wings,
if you know what I mean.
And she told me, when we land,
I officially have a date with Homeland Security.
Listen up, buddy.
I am going to be working for this entire flight
so if you decide to sit next to me, here's the deal.
You ae gonna sit down, you are gonna shut up
and you were not gonna talk to me.
You are gonna chew all foods with your mouth closed.
If you fall asleep, you will not snore.
And most importantly, you will not under any circumstances,
when this plane lands, clap your hands.
Think you can handle this?
Pardon me, sir?
But you've got flight anxiety am I right?
Yeah. I could tell
from the way that you were sobbing during takeoff.
This is essentially coming
from a fear of being out of control.
The problem is not the plane.
It's your perspective.
I mean, come on, this plane is being flown
by professional pilots, but you know what's really scary?
The person piloting your life.
It's you.
Excuse me, everyone.
I know you're not gonna want to hear this
and I'm really sorry
but I'm about to go blow up the bathroom.
(people shout)
Guys, come on, I had Chipolte.
Well, I guess I could start watching all the movies
and TV shows that I painstakingly curated to pass the time
during this long journey
or I could just watch whatever the guy
in front of me is watching right now with no sound.
Oh wow.
Excuse me.
Flight attendant.
Yeah, I'd like to be upgraded to first class, please.
All right.
Well, you see I've taken a peek up there
and we're several hours into the flight
and I can see you've got several open seats, so..
All right, I get you.
Maybe a little cabbage will change your mind about that.
Oh my gosh, this is a 20.
Do you have change?
Well, would you look at that?
This aisle is the perfect size for a little bit of yoga.
Oh, downward dog.
Oh, yeah.
Pluto
Ah, ee, ooh.
Yeah. Oh, sorry.
Can you just like hold
that drink card for another like, 20 minutes?
I'm almost done.
Ooh
I've got plenty of time to kill.
maybe I can catch up on all those old messages
from my friends and family that I have left hanging.
Let's go to the unread messages and scroll down.
Get to the first one.
Okay. There's way more than I remembered.
Okay, let's start with this message back from 2009.
It's from my best friend who asks, hey dude,
where were you last night?
You know, on second thought,
I think I'm just gonna take a nap.
To get me through this hellacious overnight 12 hour flight,
I have taken an Ambien,
which should be kicking in any minute.
Hopefully I don't experience the side effect
of making offensive tweets in my sleep under the influence
of this drug, because Lord knows I make offensive
enough tweets when I'm awake.
I've always said that the journey is more important
than the destination.
Well, you get so focused on that endpoint somewhere
in the future, you miss the present.
You fail to live life.
But after having spent the last seven hours
on this flight where the wifi is out, the entertainment
system is broken, and I'm sitting next to a guy
who kind of smells, I take it all back.
Just get me to the destination.
I do not wanna live in the present anymore.
Future.
♪ They say a strangers' come to town. ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪