- This area here, what do you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Audience member] Ocean.
- Ocean?
That's very general.
Let's kind of dive deeper.
(laughter)
What was that?
(audience faintly speaking)
To do with the ocean?
So like, I don't know, bathyspheres
or the Marianas Trench or something.
(faint murmurs)
No, not one that I said though.
(audience laughs)
- [Audience member] Algae.
- Algae, ocean algae.
Good suggestion.
Yeah, good suggestion.
Okay.
Front of the room, what do you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Audience member] Micropenis!
- One, I'll come to that in a minute, what was that?
- [Audience member] Micropenis.
- Micropenis, thank you very much.
Not sure if it's a suggestion or a heckle.
It's very hard to tell.
(audience laughs)
Don't know if I'm really showing in these trousers.
Ocean algae, micropenis.
And I love that you had that prepared, that was lovely.
At the back, someone said something.
- [Audience member] Hula hoop!
- Hula hoop.
Yeah, okay. (faint murmurs)
And what'd you say?
- [Audience member] The Falklands!
- The Falklands.
Hula hooping in the Falklands.
We'll combine them for some delightful thing.
For Americans, the Falklands are a set of islands
off of Argen-- - [Woman] Henry Hoover!
- Henry Hoover.
(laughter)
You sound so in love, that I now,
I'm thinking you might be one of those women
who like marry objects
and you're, like, "the Eiffel Tower,
"the Leaning Tower of Pisa,
"and this is my husband Henry, hmm!"
Is Henry Hoover a thing in America?
Do you guys have them?
(faint murmurs)
Okay, there's some disagreement here.
It's an anthropomorphized hoover, if you must know.
So, Henry Hoover, hula hooping in the Falklands,
algae, micropenis.
You guys, you get the last suggestion.
What's it gonna be?
- [Audience member] Poker!
- Poker? (faint murmuring)
And what was that?
- [Audience Member] Mummification.
- [Audience member] Mummifi-- - Mummification, cool!
I kind of prefer that to poker, sorry about that.
(audience laughs)
Hey, hey, how do you get the brain
out of a body you're mummifying?
You poker stick up its nose!
(audience laughs) There you go, there you go.
Put that in for you.
What were you saying?
- [Audience member] Whether or not the Byzantine Empire
counts as the Roman Empire?
- It's a good question
and I'm glad it came after the five stipulated suggestions.
(audience laughs)
We'll never find out.
We'll never, (laughing) we'll never find out.
Maybe we will.
Okay, this then.
Red, I've given them a beat at the back.
Are you able to play along to that at the end of it
or is that gonna be not doable?
(faint murmurs) Cool, cool.
(audience member cheering)
This, lovely people of the Comedy Cellar,
little thing called a freestyle rap.
That is as a rap made up on the spot,
based entirely on those suggestions.
Suggestions that once again were algae,
ocean algae, hula hooping in the Falklands,
micropenis, mummification and what was our other one?
Henry Hoover, and don't worry,
it won't be anywhere near as atrociously embarrassingly bad
as you were expecting a privately educated, middle-class
white boy to be.
(audience laughs)
So, should we drop that beat, good Sir?
And let's have some fun times.
I got you a spooky beat for Halloween, guys.
This is just for tonight,
I was like, oh we want some spookiness
that's got some nice bass as well.
It's gonna get your pulses thrumming and drumming.
It's gonna be good, yeah?
♪ If you don't like the rap, don't tell me ♪
♪ Drown you deep in the ocean amongst the algae ♪
♪ Then I'll eat you up like a whale with the baleen ♪
♪ They use it as a filter ♪
♪ Help to clean all the water mixed with bacteria ♪
♪ If you like algae ♪
♪ Think it's inferior ♪
♪ To any other thing causing all the commotion ♪
♪ We know algae is the center of the ocean ♪
♪ Cycle of life ♪
♪ Without it we might die ♪
♪ Producing lots of oxygen that flows into the sky ♪
♪ Photosynthesis in the ocean cells ♪
♪ And with the temperature rising ♪
♪ Then the ocean swells ♪
♪ Algae bloom taking over, you sue' ♪
♪ All the governments for turning it green and not blue ♪
♪ Need to ask the question ♪
♪ Oh why, why is the ocean blue ♪
♪ 'Cause it reflects the sky ♪
♪ When I think back ♪
♪ You know I'm really gonna need it, succeed it ♪
♪ Mummifying bodies in Egypt, not an eejit ♪
♪ I've got all of the knowledge, yeah fools ♪
♪ I put a coat hanger up the body's nostrils ♪
♪ Wiggle it around, I pull out the brain ♪
♪ I pop it in a canopic jar ♪
♪ And then I just shave ♪
♪ All of the legs, I'll wax it ♪
♪ And then I lick my lips ♪
♪ Put formaldehyde and then apply strips ♪
♪ Often I will put the evil eye ♪
♪ Inside the body of the Pharaoh that recently died ♪
♪ And then I kill all of his slaves ♪
♪ All them in the room ♪
♪ And bury them with Pharaoh ♪
♪ Deep inside the tomb ♪
♪ I say, get in there slaves ♪
♪ You should all follow this ♪
♪ Pharaoh's got a coffin we call that shit a sarcophagus ♪
♪ Egyptology, I study it hard ♪
♪ I was working ♪
♪ And then I'm on my guard ♪
♪ Like a British soldier in the 1980s ♪
♪ You don't hear about the Falklands lately ♪
♪ The lady in charge was Maggie Thatcher ♪
♪ She's dead now ♪
♪ So I'll say fuck her ♪
♪ Invading it ♪
♪ How well we know The Sun's headline ♪
♪ Sink the Belgrano: 'Gotcha!' ♪
♪ A reference that only Brits will understand ♪
♪ If you're Argentinian you don't call it the Falklands ♪
♪ You call it Malvinas ♪
♪ You think that you own them ♪
♪ You fucking don't ♪
♪ Take my penis and blow them ♪
♪ Where's your penis, Chris ♪
♪ We can't seem to find it ♪
♪ It's a micropenis ♪
♪ Sorry, yeah I will define it ♪
♪ I went to the doctor ♪
♪ I got mad thrills ♪
♪ When I learned he could prescribe the enlargement pills ♪
♪ It grew from a mole-hill into a mountain ♪
♪ No longer micropenis ♪
♪ It's like the Trevi Fountain ♪
♪ It's white and it's spews frequently ♪
♪ I make a mess on the floor ♪
♪ Shit, Mum sees ♪
♪ I need to clean it up ♪
♪ I need to improve that ♪
♪ So I move all the seminal fluid out with the hoover ♪
♪ Now people say it looks so odd ♪
♪ That Henry Hoover's long nose ♪
♪ Is giving me a job on the blow ♪
♪ It's flexible, it follows me around ♪
♪ He trundles, he trundles, you hear that sound ♪
♪ He's not a Dyson ♪
♪ That's a nice one ♪
♪ It tries to make a much powerful suc-uum with the vacuum ♪
♪ Suc-uum, I meant suction ♪
♪ What was the destruction ♪
♪ of the Byzantine Empire ♪
♪ I'll apply instruction ♪
♪ Was it Roman, that's a question ♪
♪ That I'm glad I can't answer ♪
♪ The suggestion was too late ♪
♪ You're like, ah I'm really hopeful ♪
♪ He'll talk about the sack of Constantinople ♪
♪ But fuck that ♪
♪ We know the city was plundered for the last time ♪
♪ Early-mid-1400s ♪
♪ The Byzantine, they were like, you and whose army ♪
♪ There we go ♪
♪ Slice up the beat like salami ♪
(audience cheers)
♪ hip hop beat ♪