Summer is right around the corner.
A lot of people have been talking about new diets to try.
Everybody starts dieting when it gets close to summer.
Like panicking.
Like we don't think about all winter long.
It's OK that we just put fat on to hibernate, somehow.
And then summertime comes and we're like,
we've gotta lose weight all of the sudden.
Who here has been on--
tried a diet recently?
OK.
Who started one this morning and gave up
just a little while ago?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I went to the doctor to get a sonogram.
I'm not pregnant, I just like to take a look once
in a while to see what's going on in there.
And while I was waiting in the room, I saw a copy of a Vogue
from 1977.
They really don't change magazines that often.
And it had a diet in there.
This is from 1977.
"How to Lose Five Pounds in Three Days."
Here it is.
It's called the Wine and Eggs Diet.
Also known as the Real Housewives shopping list.
So for breakfast it's you have one hard boiled egg,
one glass of white wine-- preferably Chablis--
and black coffee.
Obviously you want to drink Chablis for breakfast.
If you drink Cabernet, it means you got a problem.
Only white wine in the morning.
For lunch, you have two eggs, two glasses of white wine,
and black coffee.
So then you'll be wide awake to get fired
for being drunk at the office.
And if you're still standing by dinner,
you have steak, the remainder of the wine,
and more black coffee.
The reason you lose so much weight
so fast is that you have to get rid of your liver.
You have to--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That was 1977.
Obviously things have changed.
We do not have crazy diets like that anymore.
Oh, what's that?
We do.
I found a couple of other diets in Cosmo magazine.
These are real bad.
Here's one it's called Clip Your Nose While You Eat Diet.
Apparently if you plug your nose while you eat,
you'll get full faster.
If you clip your mouth, it works even better actually.
If that's not your style, there's the vision diet.
So you eat everything while wearing blue tinted glasses.
Because they say it makes the food look less appealing.
Guess what?
It's still appealing to me.
Blue French fries.
I don't mind.
I'll eat blue cheese pizza.
I'll eat anything that-- if I want it.
But the truth is we come in all shapes and sizes.
And the most important thing is for us--
just be kind to yourself, and be kind to others,
and drive a nice car.