Geoffrey here.
In this video I'm going to show you the proven things that you can do to take
the first steps in reconciling your marriage or your relationship.
If you're in the middle of a separation at the moment,
and I really want you to stay till in this video because these five things I'm
going to show you are the exact five things that I show all my students and it's
really worked wonders for them and reconciling what sometimes seems like a
hopeless relationship so they can help my students draw their partners back in.
I'm sure it will help you as well. Now, in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or in marriages with
the right skills, with the right knowledge,
with the right mindset to be able to design and create a thriving relationship.
So if you want more videos to empower you with the right skills, knowledge,
and techniques,
then you want to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well to
be notified when I post new videos three times every single week.
[inaudible].
Now real quick, before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free masterclass
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you want in on the masterclass,
then be sure to stay at the last video as well to hear the announcement and how
you can get in on that masterclass.
So the first thing you want to say when your partner says that she wants a
separation or maybe you're in the middle of a separation already,
the first thing you want to say is simply to acknowledge your partners is dire
for a separation. So simply you want to say something like, Hey, you know,
I understand you want to separate. I get it. I completely respect that.
I understand. And you might be thinking here like, am I crazy?
I don't want to surrender.
I admit to my partner that I'm okay with this separation thing because I'm
actually not okay with separation. But understand that, you know,
whatever you say now,
whatever you do now to convince her to come back to you is going to only appeal
to her logic is going to appeal to only the logical side of her brain.
But what happens is between the logical side of our brain and the emotional side
of the brain that are a bunch of interpretations that she can make there and the
emotions ultimately is what will decide her decision to want to come back with
you or to want to want to keep separating from you. You know,
people make decisions via their emotions, not via logic.
So what happens is when you start to do something or to say something to
convince her to stay right now, right? You are convincing to the logic,
but interpretations wise,
what she might be interpreting out of a million or an infinite different things
is that you're needy, you're desperate, you're trying to manipulate here,
you're trying to trick her. You're not really being genuine and so on.
And that will cause negative emotions,
the emotions that are the exact opposite of what you intended with your words.
And so that's why it actually makes things worse to beg and plead at the moment.
And so ironically, the more you try to say that you want her to come back,
the more you try to control her,
the more you try to manipulate her into staying with you and not separate right
now, the more you're going to push her away. But that's what usually happens.
But when you simply say that you respect the her desire for space,
her desire to want to separate, you're showing her that you're genuine. For one,
I think both of you know deep down and she knows this,
especially that whatever issues you're facing right now can not be resolved in
just one conversation in a matter of days, in a matter of weeks and so on.
It takes a long time longterm to be able to resolve all these issues,
to resolve issues with the self and to resolve issues with the relationship as
well.
And when you simply acknowledge that you respect her desire to separate,
you're also admitting that you respect that this is not a short term problem
that we can fix today. Look,
let's agree to this separation so that we can both work on each other and see if
there's a better future for our head, for the both of us.
And it also shows her your confidence and your maturity in this topic,
that you're not trying to push her or manipulate her or be needy into coming
back to you. But simply you're just acting like an adult.
You're acting confident, you're acting alpha, you're acting poised,
and you're saying, look, I know I can better myself.
I know we can work things out. If you want to separate for now temporarily,
that's completely fine. And that's a very attractive quality to her as well.
The second thing you want to say after you acknowledge her desire for a
separation is to take responsibility and acknowledge your commitment
and express your commitment to bettering yourself.
So what you can say for example, is, you know,
I just want you to know that no matter what the outcome is,
no matter what you decide to do here,
I'm committed to actually better myself to become a better version of myself and
becoming a better husband. For you becoming a better communicator,
whatever it is. And as you're saying this,
as you're expressing how you're going to be bettering yourself,
I want you to be specific. So don't just say for example,
that you're bettering yourself, but explain how you're bettering yourself.
Is it you're bettering yourself by learning how to communicate,
bettering yourself by learning how to increase your self esteem,
bettering yourself by not learning,
by learning how to not control her and not being too manipulative and being too
imposing. For example, uh, bettering herself,
but learning how to understand your partner in a deeper level, right?
Whatever it is you're working on yourself,
you want to be specific because the more specific you can make it,
the more believable it becomes. You know, if just someone just says like,
I'm just going to better myself. Yes, it's nice,
but it's not very believable because there's no specifics.
The second thing you can try is to be vulnerable yourself. You know,
don't be afraid to be self deprecating. Don't be afraid to make fun of yourself.
To mention, for example, how much of an asshole you were in the past.
How much of a Dick you were in the past,
how many wrong things you did in the past,
the more vulnerable you can become again,
the more powerful your statement becomes because it shows maturity.
This shows poise on your side, which you will respect.
The third thing is be relevant.
So if there's certain things that you know you're lacking in your relationship,
perhaps your wife has complained to you that you're a bad communicator,
that you never listened to her, that you don't understand her problems.
Whenever you're expressing to her how you're bettering yourself,
be relevant to what she's actually complaining about, what she's needing.
You know, if she's saying that you don't listen, for example,
you don't have a good listener, you don't understand her, don't mention that.
Want to become more buffed. You want to gain more muscle, for example,
be more muscular for her, become a better cook, whatever it is, become richer,
uh, become more successful. Your work.
All those ways of bettering yourself is not what she's looking for.
She's looking for you to become a better communicator.
And so when you make it relevant, you're showing her that you understand,
you understand the problem,
you understand the issues with yourself and you're willing to take
responsibility to work on those issues.
The relevant issues that actually matter and why this works is that it shows
your commitment, right? It shows that you're not simply here to blame her.
You're not perpetuating the blame here, but instead you're looking within,
you're taking responsibility and you're saying, look,
I know part of this is my fault.
I'm willing to take that responsibility and I'm going to do everything I can to
make sure I do my part and bettering myself and becoming a better husband for
you, better partner for you, a better listener for you and so on.
Because remember again, that in order for her to come back to you,
she needs to be convinced emotionally deep down that the
future with you can be different from what it was in the past and the only way
you can convince her emotionally that it will be different in the future.
If you can show her all these changes and your commitment to all these changes
to changing yourself so that you can become that leader to create a better
future for the both of you.
And this is just a first step towards getting that saying this,
stating your commitment is just the first step to getting that.
Now there's going to be many, many more steps in actually bettering yourself,
learning the right skills to be able to convince her upon her of a different
future of a brighter future for you.
But this is a great first step if you are finding yourself in this position
where your partner wants to separate,
and this at least gets her to be curious to lean over and basically prime her to
say, Hmm, he's committed to changing.
Let me see this changes that he's talking about.
The third thing you want to say is praise and trust your paranoia.
So in my experience, there are two fears at this point that everybody has.
The first fear is you're going to be so afraid with the separation that you're
going to make all these changes.
You're gonna make all these improvements in yourself and your partner will never
see it. Your partner will never recognize it.
The second fear that you have is you know you are, you're in a separation.
You were making all these changes, your partner sees it,
but then again decides to divorce you anyway to be separated anyway,
to not want to come back with you. If you look at yourself,
you'll notice that these two fears reigns true in your mind.
This happens a hundred percent of the time in my experience.
So what most people do when they feel this fear,
they feel this paranoia is one is the child to get controlling.
They get impatient, they get angry. Perhaps, you know,
they might say to their partner, like, you know, I'm making all these changes,
like, why are you not seeing these changes?
Can you please just take a moment to look at my changes?
Like how dare you not even see my changes? Like what are you trying to do here?
Right? Basically you're trying to make your partner feel bad for not seeing your
changes,
for not making the right decision after seeing your changes and for basically
making you paranoid, but this is not productive. In fact,
this is going to just push her further away and show her that you really haven't
changed, that you're still going back to your old ways,
especially when you're a cornered.
When things are really high under high pressure,
you're going to go back to your old ways.
What you should say instead is through praise and trust. Express.
Learn to express your paranoia through praise and trust.
So one thing you can say for example is you know, you know honey,
I know that you are observant person. You can notice people's changes.
You can just notice the small changes in people. You're very observant.
I know that that's the praise part and the trust part is when you can say,
I trust that as I make this changes over the next coming weeks,
next coming months that you'll see those changes.
And you can also say that you know,
I also know that you have great reasons behind your decision making.
You're not dumb. I trust that as you see my changes,
you'll make the right decision. I trust it.
So here you're expressing your paranoia, you're acknowledging your paranoia,
but you're expressing it in a way that is healthier, that is more positive,
that is to praise and trust. Instead of trying to bring people down,
criticizing them, judging them, making them feel bad and so on.
And why this works is that it's planning seats and you're communicating to her
what you want to happen, what you want her to do,
but in a very gentle non pushy non imposing but at the same time in a
very effective way as well.
Now the fourth thing you can say is simply to let her know that the door is
open. So you can end this whole statement by saying, look,
for now I just want you to know that I'm ready whenever you are to talk about
the issues in our relationship and my door's always open for you. Okay?
And the thing about this four points here that I just gave you is that you can
say this all at once.
So whenever you are with your wife and she says she wants a separation or she
insists that she still wants a separation, right? So she might say, for example,
I'll look, I don't know what you're thinking, but I still want the separation.
I don't want to be together yet. I don't see any hope with us yet.
All you say is this four part script. So you can say, look,
I know you're not ready to see us yet. I know you still want that separation.
I respect that. I just want you to know that no matter what happens here,
no matter the outcome here,
I'm going to keep bettering myself and learning to become a better communicator.
You know, I noticed how much of a Dick I was back then,
how much of an asshole I was back then,
and I want to change that for the better.
I know you're very observant and I know that you can see changes in people and
I trust that as I make these changes over the next coming weeks that you'll see
my changes and that when you do see my changes,
I trust that you'll be able to make the right decision. In the meantime,
I just want you to know that I'm ready to talk about our relationship.
Whenever you're ready,
I'm ready to confront the difficult challenges and just don't one doors open,
right? So whenever you meet that resistance,
when your partner and she says you that she wants to separate,
just say this four step script and every time you say this,
you're planting more and more seeds there. Now of course the script is great,
right? It's a great go-to whenever you're finding yourself stuck on what to say,
but, but notice that in the script you are promising toward it.
You're going to better yourself. You're promising toward that your doors open,
that you were ready to chat. Now you actually need to follow through.
You actually need to understand for one what it means to actually better
yourself. So a lot of men, I think when they,
you mentioned the words better than yourself,
the first thing they think about is, okay, fine.
I'm going to be more successful in my job. I'm going to get more money.
I'm going to go to the gym, get more Jack, get more muscular,
lose weight so that my partner will look at me and go,
this is the exact person I want,
but often that's not what bettering yourself means.
Bettering yourself means learning the skills, learning the mindsets,
learning new paradigms in which you see yourself and your relationship to which
can make you a better person, better communicator, better listener,
a better a person who can understand your partner better on a deeper level and
so on and only do you need to understand how to actually better yourself.
What does it actually mean to better yourself? You actually need to do it.
You actually need to make yourself turn yourself into this person who can play
that the right tactics. Play out the right things in a very effortless way.
Not because you're using your willpower or some trickery to do it,
but because you have made it part of who you are,
you can not reflexively respond in the correct ways and follow the right tactics
without even thinking. And you also need to learn the right skills,
the right techniques and the relationship so that you don't even mess up even
once. Because understand that when you're in this stage of separation,
your partner is really watching you like a Hawk.
They're looking for signs of is my partner changing and becoming a better
version of himself just to win me back?
Or is this like a permanent change that he's making that if I do come back that
these changes will be permanent forever.
And if you slip up here and there so you, you know, five days for example,
you show this great self and then one day you slip up to your old self and you
mess up.
That is just going to prove to your partner that you're doing this not because
you're genuinely wanting to do this or this is a permanent change,
but you're doing this out of willpower.
You're doing this in a short term to trick her into coming back.
So she's watching you like a Hawk here and understand that one mistake during
separation can be very devastating.
So if you want more information on the exact steps you need to take during this
phase of separation to avoid making mistakes,
what it means to start bettering yourself or how to better yourself,
then you want to join my free masterclass on a five proven steps to rebuilding
your relationship from the ground up and this master class,
you will learn the same exact process that all my students have used to go from
the brink of a divorce,
go from a state of separation to a point where their relationship can honestly
thrive and continue to thrive for the long term.
I'll show you how you can simplify the problems in your relationships so that
you don't have to think about a thousand things to fix this separation issue or
to fix your marriage issue, but you need to,
when you think about the next thing,
the next step for you to be able to be built a relationship.
And I want you to also take away some key mindset shifts that you can take with
you that when you make this key mindset shifts,
you actually find that doing the right tactics and playing out the right things
and the relationship will become a lot easier for you as well.
So this master class sounds interesting to you.
Then I want you to check out the link above my head or the link infrastructure
box below or in the comment box below as well.
And if you're looking for a free resource that can help you lead conversations
better lead interactions better that you know the conversations that don't ever
lead to arguments and always creates more safety,
creates more openness and invites your partner back in over time.
Then you also want to check out the free guide I have for you down below this
video or the link above my head right now.
And if you want a community where you can post your questions and actually get
good advice and support from the members of the community and for myself,
then you also want to join my free Facebook group where you can post your
questions and actually get good support and advice about them.
And if you want to join that group, the link is also down below this video.
In the meantime, I want to hear from you,
leave a comment below and what you find most eyeopening or most insightful for
you in this video and want to hear from you.
I would love to hear your thoughts and if you liked this video and found it to
be valuable,
then like it and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one.
In the meantime, I do want you to watch this,
two other videos on what you can do to cook with the right knowledge during the
separation phase so that you can get through this and start rebuilding your
relationship in a more effectively. But for now, I'll see you in the next video.