>>> AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.
I'M HERE TO DECLARE A VERY URGENT, IMPORTANT NATIONAL
EMERGENCY. THIS IS A BIG ONE SO I DON'T
WANT TO WASTE ANY TIME. THAT'S WHY FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO
BLOW MY OWN HORN A LITTLE BIT. I HAD A GREAT HEALTH EXAM.
6'7", 185 POUNDS, SHREDDED. WE HAVE ANOTHER SUMMIT COMING UP
IN HANOI WITH THE NORTH KOREAN LEADER, CHAIRMAN KIM, WHO BY THE
WAY, IS A VERY COOL, MISUNDERSTOOD GUY.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING HIM NEXT WEEK.
DIPPER FOR SHMUCKS AS HE CALLS IT.
LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE, FOLKS. WE NEED WALL.
OKAY? WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF
DRUGS FLOWING INTO THE COUNTRY FROM THE SOUTHERN BORDER OR THE
BROWN LINE AS MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME NOT TO CALL IT.
THAT'S WHY WE NEED WALL. WALL WORKS.
WALL MAKES SAFE. YOU ARE NOT HAVING TO BE SMART
TO UNDERSTAND. IT'S EASIER TO UNDERSTAND IF YOU
ARE NOT. YOU CAN SEE WHY I HAVE TO FAKE
THIS NATIONAL EMERGENCY BECAUSE I WANT TO.
IT'S REALLY SIMPLE. WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
DRUGS ARE COMING INTO THIS COUNTRY THROUGH NO WALL.
I ASKED PRESIDENT XI IF THEY HAD A DRUG PROBLEM IN CHINA.
I'M NOT GOING TO DO THE VOICE, BUT HE SAID NO, NO, NO, ME NO
LIKE DRUGS. ME LIKE DEATH PENALTY.
IT SOUNDS BETTER WITH THE VOICE, BUT IMAGINE IF WE USED THE DEATH
PENALTY FOR NONVIOLENT CRIMES. BING, BING IN THE BACK OF THE
HEAD. SOMETHING TO KICK AROUND.
I'M TAKING MILITARY MONEY SO I CAN HAS WALL.
I WILL SIGN THESE PAPERS FOR EMERGENCY AND I WILL IMMEDIATELY
BE SUED AND IT WILL NOT GO IN MY FAVOR AND END UP IN THE SUPREME
COURT AND CALL MY BUDDY, KAVANAUGH AND HE WILL SAY NEW
PHONE, WHO DIS? AND THE MUELLER REPORT WILL BE
RELEASED AND CRUMBLING MY HOUSE OF CARDS AND I CAN PLEAD
INSANITY AND DO A FEW MONTHS IN THE FACTORY AND MY PERSONAL HELL
OF PLAYING PRESIDENT WILL FINALLY BE OVER.
[ APPLAUSE ] I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE A FEW
QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW. NBC HAS THEIR HAND UP, BUT THEY
SUCK, SO NOT THEM. ABC SUCKS, BUT THEY HAVE AGENCY
OF SHIELD. WE LOVE THE SHIELD.
I WILL START WITH YOU. GO AHEAD.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, DO YOU FEEL LIKE ENOUGH PROGRESS HAS BEEN
MADE IN THE TALKS WITH CHINA TO END THE INCREASE OF TARIFFS BY
MARCH 1st? >> LOOK, YOU ARE ASKING THE
WRONG GUY. I FRIGGIN' LOVE TARIFFS.
NOT AS MUCH AS WALL, BUT I DO LOVE THEM.
I KNOW WE WILL STRIKE A BIG, BIG DEAL WITH CHINA AND NO MATTER
HOW AWESOME IT IS, IT WILL BE AWESOME.
CHUCK SCHUMER WILL SAY OY VAY. I WILL DO THE VOICE.
OY VAY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ME SUGE THAT.
THAT'S THE DIRTY TOILET BOWL POLITICS THEY WANTED ME TO DO.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM? >> PLAYBOY MAGAZINE.
>> SWEET, SWEET, SWEET. MANY NIGHTS IN THE GROT OH, AM I
RIGHT? >> OKAY.
NUMBERS FROM YOUR OWN BORDER PATROL SAY THAT ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION IS ACTUALLY DOWN. >> NO, SIT DOWN.
I DON'T LIKE THAT QUESTION. SIT DOWN.
>> I DIDN'T ASK MY QUESTION YET. >> LOOK, I JUST FOUND OUT MY
CAMPAIGN MANAGER IS GOING TO DIE IN PRISON.
TAKE IT EASY ON ME. >> I'M NOT GOING TO SIT UNTIL
YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION. >> SIT DOWN OR I'M SWITCHING
BACK TO HUSTLER. I WANT TO SWERVE WAY THE HELL
OUT OF MY OWN WAY AND POINT OUT THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM
BARR, PLEASE STAND UP. CONGRATULATIONS.
THIS GUY IS GOING TO DO SUCH A GREAT JOB, BUT HE'S WORKING FOR
ME, SO I GIVE HIM THREE MONTHS, TOPS.
DEAD MAN WALKING RIGHT THERE. NEXT QUESTION.
LET'S DO A GIRL ONE. YOU.
>> WOW. VERY COOL.
IN YOUR REMARKS TODAY YOU SAID YOU WERE TOO NEW TO POLITICS
EARLIER IN YOUR ADMINISTRATION. IS THAT AN ADMISSION THAT YOU
ARE KIND OF WINGING IT? >> COME ON, DOLL.
I'M LEARNING. TECHNICALLY THIS IS MY FIRST
REALLY JOB. I REMEMBER WHEN OBAMA EXPLAINED
PRESIDENT TO ME AND WON'T DO THE VOICE BECAUSE I LOST A BUNCH OF
YOU WITH THE SCHUMER IMPERSONATION, BUT I THOUGHT
OBAMA WAS JOKING. HAD I KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW
2340U, I WOULD HAVE TOLD PUTIN TO GIVE THE JOB TO HILLARY.
>> JIM ACOSTA, CNN. >> HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING IN
THIS ROOM. I WOULD LOVE TO BUILD A WALL
AROUND JIM. >> THERE IS NUMBERS SHOWING
UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS COMMITTING CRIMES AT LOWER
NUMBERS THAN NAFT BORN AMERICANS.
>> THOSE ARE FAKE NUMBERS. WE NEED MAJOR REFORM.
TRANSLATION, WALL. DO YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW WE
HAVE SOMETHING CALLED CHAIN MIGRATION?
IT SAYS ANY BAD PERSON OR WISEN HIMER CAN COME INTO THIS COUNTRY
WITH 27 OR 47 OR BARR, GIVE ME A NUMBER.
>> 91? >> I'M TOLD AS MANY AS 91 OF
THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS. ABUELAS AND BEBES UNLESS YOU
GIVE ME WALL. IF THAT DOESN'T SCARE THE CRAP
OUT OF THE OLD WHITE PEOPLE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.
THIS IS A TOTAL EMERGENCY. A FIVE-ALARM BLAZE AND I NEED TO
GO TO MAR A LAGO TO PLAY SOME GOLF.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.