- The only thing that's kept me going
is I started to--pretendin'
that that was Nancy Grace's mouth.
'Cause if you just thought, you know,
"I'm just shitting in Nancy Grace's mouth,"
then you can keep going, you know.
You can keep going for a little while.
♪
- [growls]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[power up whine]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
Tonight, all the stories are about disasters.
One of the greatest comics of all time--
Mr. Ron White, everybody. [cheers and applause]
- I was, uh, working most of my gigs
for the Funny Bone Comedy Club out of St. Louis.
They own 21 comedy clubs.
And I was a prominent headliner for them in 1996
and, uh, making about 2 grand a week.
They would fly me to the gigs.
And I wasn't paying my taxes,
so it even felt like I was making more money than I was...
and, uh, living pretty fucking good, and...
And, uh, so the guy that owned that chain of clubs
realized that I was working 42 weeks a year for him,
so he didn't have to pay me that much money.
Because what the fuck else would I do, you know?
Where am I gonna go get those kinda gigs, you know?
I just--I don't know.
And so he cuts my pay from 2 grand and air
to 1,500...flat, and, uh...
I told him to go eat a steamin' bowl of fuck.
Okay, cut to years later.
Blue Collar Comedy Tour happens.
We sell 10 million albums.
I start touring. I play Radio City Music Hall.
You know, just things I never even dreamed of.
I'm from a little dirt town in Northwest Texas.
And, uh, I'm on my tour bus.
It's late at night, and I'm driving back to Atlanta.
And Wednesday night when I get back to Atlanta,
where I have a house,
I'm gonna be the auctioneer at this huge charity event,
in a tuxedo, called the East Lake Foundation,
and it's part of the end of the golf season
with the East Lake course.
So that's my big charity of the year,
so it's a big deal, and I do it every year.
And I'm real fucking drunk in my bus, which happens--
we get what we call bus fucked up in that bus
where your only goal
is to stay sober enough to make it
to where your fuckin' bunk is and, uh...
and I've barely done it.
And underneath my bed on the bunk,
there's a drawer that's refrigerated,
and I can get water.
And I've just had a bunch of dental work done,
and all these are crowns on the front of my teeth,
and, uh, so-- and one of 'em had been loose,
and it had fallen off, and it was this one right here,
that bad boy right there.
And I stuck it back on with a piece of toilet paper in there,
and it had been on there for quite a while.
It stuck on, and it looked great.
Look, my teeth look great. None of them are real.
None of this shit's real. None of it.
Not one fucking thing in this is real.
And, uh, so I'm gulping down this water
drunk on my bus late at night,
and the tooth comes off, and I swallow it.
And, uh, and I understand the ramifications of this
the second that it happens because
we live here, too,
and the dentist that did it's in Beverly Hills.
That took cost 2,000 fuckin' dollars.
And I need it for Wednesday night...
and I know where it is.
So I go onto the internet:
"What do you do if you swallow a tooth?"
Well, it says take laxatives--
which I figured that was part of it--
and shit in a trash can
and then mull around in the trash can...
- Oh! - Until you find your tooth.
Now, I literally have a tenth grade high school education.
I didn't graduate from high school, didn't go to college,
didn't do any of those things.
And, uh--but still...
I thought, "Strainer."
[laughter]
Shit in a strainer.
Take the strainer over to the sink,
and like you're pannin' for fucking gold.
Just run water... over the turd
and let it dissolve, and whatever's left is left.
But you're not gonna miss this fuckin' turd, right?
So I take everything--I'm doing these fuckin' liquid things,
I'm doing everything, 'cause I gotta get--
This tooth's gotta come out by Wednesday,
'cause I need it so fuckin' bad.
And it's really going bad, and I take--
I'm eating a lot of food.
I'm trying to shovel the stuff out.
Anyone here with the rest of the story?
It's gross, I know. I know it is.
And I'm actually holding the strainer
underneath my butt, shittin' in it,
trying to find this precious piece of porcelain.
But then I find at the store this thing
where it's a strainer, but it has these things
that you can pull out and put it on a pot
or a pot...
and so now I'm fuckin' hooked up, right?
So, like, I can put this thing down then put the lid down,
and I don't have to hold this thing between my legs
to shit my tooth into my fucki'' bucket, right?
So now I'm way more high-tech than I used to be...
and it's day two.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, come on, Wednesday, come on,"
and I'm just so fuckin' sick of this.
I been sitting on these fuckin' commodes for two days.
And I really-- I was so sick of it,
and the only thing that kept me going
was I started to--
pretending that that was Nancy Grace's mouth.
And... [laughter]
'Cause if you just thought, you know,
"I'm just shitting in Nancy Grace's mouth,"
then you can keep going, you know.
You can keep going for a little while.
Day three.
Turd. Nice turd we catch in the strainer...bucket.
High-tech. Take it over.
Rinsin' it off.
Last chance for romance right here.
My gig is in four hours.
And there's the tooth.
I found the fuckin' tooth.
And I put it in the dishwasher...
[laughter]
You think I was just gonna shove it back in my mouth?
And we go down there,
and the fuckin' gig was postponed till the next night.
I was like...oh, my God.
Anyway, there's my story. Thanks a lot, guys.
[cheers and applause]
[dark electronic music]
♪