(upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] The Parenting Junkie.
- Hi guys, welcome back to The Parenting Junkie,
the place to go to love parenting
and for parenting from love.
Today I'm answering a bunch of different
questions batched together about family members
who talk to our children in ways that don't coincide
with our specific parenting philosophies.
Notoriously mothers-in-law, grandparents,
mothers and of course fathers and fathers-in-law
or aunts and uncles don't necessarily share
our exact same style and often it's in fact
a completely opposing style that we find offensive,
infuriating, frustrating, enraging.
And then we're faced with a question of
what to do, how this affects their relationship
with the child, our relationship with them,
how we can change their behaviour,
and control the situation.
So I want to offer my perspective on this.
And it might not be the most popular one.
But, here's my take.
I think that it is a huge loss that we are no longer
living in clans and that we no longer have
a larger family or a tribe raising children together.
I think that so many of us are very isolated
and this concept of the parent at home
hours on end with two or three young children
is something that lends itself very easily to
extremism, depression, frustrations,
resentment, contempt, confusion,
a lot of things that I think that are alleviated
when we're in the warm, supportive environment
and hub of a larger family.
Now that's not to say that I don't love living
in modern times and I don't appreciate the privacy
and that I don't sometimes enjoy that quiet
or being alone with my children.
I do, and I think there's everything to be grateful for
about living in the 21st century.
But that particular loss is sometimes felt
when it comes to parenting and I think that
our perception of the differences in opinions
between us and our family is very much rooted
in that loss because if it was an obvious thing
that we're all going to live together and make it
work then we wouldn't be questioning our differences,
we would be embracing our diversity, hopefully.
I don't know, maybe that's my nostalgic interpretation
but that's what I kind of think.
I also think that we've lost respect for elders
in our community, we've lost respect for the idea
that people who have had a lot more experience
than us can teach us things and are incredibly
valuable and wise and we think that because
we all, and I definitely include myself in this,
that because we read the newest books or the latest
research or Google it, we know better.
And sometimes we do, but opening our minds
to other people's points of view and opinions
can be really, really valuable.
Now to the question at hand.
I think that, yes, when someone is truly toxic
or really doing things that are harmful
to your child in any kind of way it is our job
to protect them and I'm going to get to that
in the second part of this video.
First I want to just address our generation
or people who have young children at home now
and talk about those annoyances, those things
that just don't jive well with us whether it's letting
a child watch TV or eat candy or speaking
to a child in a patronizing way or a disrespectful way,
or praising looks or punishing in some level.
Now, these are all things that can be really, really
upsetting to us.
We can see them as a major, major
threat to our children's upbringing.
And it can feel like it's going to undermine
our entire parenting.
But I think that sometimes we take this stuff
a little bit out of proportion and we lose perspective
on the things that are really important.
So firstly, I just want to guide ourselves back to
a feeling of appreciation,
a feeling of gratitude, noticing that the fact
that there's someone else in our children's lives
who loves them and takes interest in them
is something to be grateful for.
It is not to be taken for granted.
Just the fact that our children have another
family member or someone else there who
cares about them is a blessing,
and it should be treated as such.
Starting with that mindset will kind of set us up
for a more peaceful and mindful approach to this
relationship.
History.
And often we can kind of develop a sense
of empathy towards them to understand,
well, they didn't have a different example.
They don't know any better, or this is their perception
of how it should be or perhaps they know better
than us and we have something to learn.
So just cultivating that compassion will also
set us up for a more peaceful approach.
So in that frame of mind we can begin to look
for ways we can learn from whoever this person is.
For ways that we can actually expand and open
and be flexible in our perception of what they're doing
and we might even surprise ourselves first of all
by learning something but second of all
by realizing that maybe what they're doing
is right for them or right for your child
or makes sense in some other way, or that
we misinterpreted the behavior to begin with.
The next thing I want to say is that we really
need to have faith in our children's ability
to stand up for themselves, to communicate
for themselves.
Obviously this is something that they come into
gradually, we're not going to throw in a baby
in a dangerous situation with a caregiver
who can't provide, that is not what I'm talking about.
But I'm talking about the nuances.
I'm talking about the child learning to say no,
or learning to communicate that they don't want.
Trusting in our children and putting stock
in their preferences within the relationship is going
to be very important.
Now I don't ever believe that we should force
a child to show any kind of affection,
certainly not physical affection.
I do believe that we should model politeness
and kindness and closeness with our families
and our friends but I don't believe we should
ever tell a child that they have to hug someone
or allow a child to be tickled when they don't want
to be tickled, or that they have to sit on someone's lap
or give someone a kiss or say something that they don't
mean to say.
Generally speaking, there are exceptions to every rule.
But generally speaking I think that those are boundaries
that we absolutely must respect.
Not everyone feels that way and not everyone
in our extended family is going to be sensitive
to that, many people are going to be insulted
if our child doesn't give them a hug or doesn't
smile at them or doesn't say thank you
when they leave and that is going to be a fine line
that we're going to have to kind of manage
and walk along.
And there are ways of doing that.
We'll talk about those ways in just a moment,
but first let's have the mindset of not trying
to over control and override the other relationships
that our children can develop.
We are very important in our children's lives
but we are not the only important thing.
Having relationships with other people
and having secure attachments with grandparents or aunts
and uncles is a huge asset to a child and one that
we should protect and promote even at the expense
of imperfection.
So I just want to say that again,
it is worth the cost of an imperfect relationship
to gain the relationship.
So don't throw out the relationship with the bath water.
You can work to cultivate a more mindful approach
towards your child and facilitate that in that relationship
but controlling it or limiting it because it's not
perfect is often a true loss.
And exposing our children to a diverse way
of forming relationships and maintaining them
is actually a gift that we give them.
They can learn through that how different people
express love or express concern and that
diversity will serve them well.
Especially if we believe that at the root of it
what happens at home and with us is going to be
the biggest influence on our children's lives.
So now let's ask ourselves okay, and what about
when we really feel that something is wrong,
when someone is being unkind or too controlling
or they are demanding things of our child
like physical affection or a certain type of behavior
or scaring them with stories or punishments
that we feel is inappropriate.
So I think in this case it's important to develop
a deep sense of trust and intuition in our own selves.
It is okay for us to decide that a relationship is not
healthy for our child, that someone can not be trusted
by themselves with our child, in fact it's our job.
But we need to come to a place of stillness
and to connect to that intuition to really understand
what is going on.
Is this our projection of our relationship with
that person or is this a real problem and a real
threat that we feel is just too much and our child
shouldn't be exposed to it.
The next thing we want to think about
is developing a more soft and complex thought process
about this, so if we've decided that a relationship
is problematic, now we can ask ourselves
well I don't want to throw out that relationship, right?
We don't want to get into this black and white
all or nothing mode, but rather develop a more
complex and nuanced approach
to the relationship.
So perhaps we can find caveats or ways to make
the relationship work so our child doesn't miss
out on a relationship with a significant other.
So maybe it's about making sure that they're never
alone, that you're there, even if you're giving
them space that you're there.
Or maybe it's about putting the activity together
in a framework, a class that they can take together,
a movie that they can watch together,
an outing that they can do together,
a project, a book, something that you can somewhat
control or make suggestions or facilitate
but still allow them to have the time and the connection
together.
This is really about believing in a person's ability
to change and adapt and develop and that
person is not just you and your child but also the
significant other that we're trying to allow
a relationship with.
Very important when there's a touchy relationship,
when there's tension in the air that you don't
go over your child's head and make them
sense that tension and feel it but not understand it.
So things like spelling out words,
you know, saying "no we can't have any C-A-K-E"
in front of your child or using hand motions.
When your child is in the room and you're talking
about them and their relationship with this grandparent,
say, that can be very disconcerting and disrespectful
to a child, okay?
So if you can find respectful ways of speaking about
it in front of the child, and involving the child
in the conversation.
One important way of doing this is sportscasting.
So sportscasting is really just about describing
what you see in a somewhat objective way.
So if your child is very shy, for example,
instead of mouthing to the adult in the room
something like "he's very tired,"
you could actually turn to the child and say
"you look so tired, don't you, is that what's
"making you feel a bit shy right now?"
Right, or you could offer the child
would you like me to say hello for you?
Involve them, this is their relationship too
and it's important that they know what you're trying
to say and what you're communicating about them.
So same goes for a child who doesn't want to give
someone a hug or doesn't want to say thank you.
Involve the child in it.
You could say, "you're not ready to hug grandpa yet?"
Or, "you don't feel like hugging right now,
"you're not in a hugging mood?
"That's okay, all of us are sometimes
"not in a hugging mood."
So just normalize their behavior in front of
this significant other so that they can also learn
your approach and they might be open to that
once it's not an attack or a criticism of them.
If something is absolutely unacceptable
it's important to set boundaries in a clear
and straightforward way.
And in that case you might just say it,
really just kindly but firmly, something like
"please don't tickle her, it looks like she's really
"not enjoying that."
Or "please don't pick him up because he just said no."
And you could empathize with the grandparent's
want and need to pick up the child while still
being clear that that's not what the child wants right now.
So things like, oh we don't offer sugar because
it makes Eric really hyper but thank you so much
anyway and you want to always be modeling
gratitude, kindness, politeness, whilst still
setting a firm boundary that you're confident in.
This goes for scheduling, I know that scheduling
is a huge difficulty for a lot of families,
people get upset that you can't come because
your baby's sleeping or whatever.
Firm and kind while you empathize with their needs
but also express your needs, something like
"oh I wish we could come, that's Max's bedtime
"so there's no chance we can make it but thank
"you so much for inviting us and perhaps
"another night when it's earlier we'll be able
"to join."
So it's very straightforward and it's very clear
and you're setting a clear limit but you're also
empathizing and being kind with the fact that
thank you for the invitation and we do appreciate it.
When the relationship allows for it you can send
some articles, books, links their way if that's the type
of relationship you have and that can be a great way
of evolving a third party giving the advice
instead of it coming from you but you do have
to be very careful not to come across as preachy
or teachy especially to someone who has more
experience and who's older that can be a really
unpleasant slight so only if someone's open to it
and has fun reading these things and sharing them
with you.
If necessary, bring your own food, or bring your own books
or bring your own activities, try and find ways,
creative ways of making the meet up work
for you.
And that way you put less pressure on getting
disappointed, getting frustrated with what's being
on offer and you've just become part of it
and you contribute to making it a good experience.
And now my final and most important
piece of advice is model, model, model.
Model for the people in your children's lives,
how you want them to behave.
So treat your child respectfully and kindly
in front of them, make sure they see you handling
the situation, don't keep it away from them
and this is how we learn from each other
just like how they can model for you.
And what you're also modelling here and this is
perhaps the most important thing of all,
is your modelling to your child that you are able
to be respectful and kind and compassionate
in all settings and centered and confident
with yourself and with your parenting and that you
know how to treat others with kindness the way
you expect your children to treat them as well.
Did you like this video?
I really hope you did.
If it was helpful for you and if you think
it could be helpful to anyone else I would love it
if you could share it.
That means to world to me.
And I'd love to hear your tips and your approach
to handling family members who have
a different approach to your children than you do.
The absolute best place to have this conversation
is over at theparentingjunkie.com so head on over there
and leave a comment now, I'd love to hear from you.
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Keep on loving parenting and parenting from love
because your children need you almost as much
as you need them.
Bye!
- [Voiceover] The Parenting Junkie.