OKAY, MOM AND DAD, NOW THAT WE'RE FINISHED TALKING ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT, YOU CAN HAVE THE KIDS COME BACK IN THE ROOM.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE AND
INSPIRING.
THIS WEEKEND WAS THE INCREDIBLY POWERFUL "MARCH FOR OUR LIVES
AGAINST GUN VIOLENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REALLY MOVED YOU TO SEE YOUNG
PEOPLE SAYING ALL THIS.
ORGANIZERS ESTIMATED THE D.C MARCH ALONE WAS ATTENDED BY
800,000 PEOPLE, MAKING IT THE LARGEST SINGLE-DAY PROTEST IN
THE HISTORY OF THE NATION'S CAPITAL.
AT LEAST UNTIL ROBERT MUELLER GETS FIRED.
SEE EVERYBODY IN TWO WEEKS!
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT WAS INCREDIBLY INSPIRING
TO SEE EVERYONE MARCHING FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVED IN.
OF COURSE, THERE WERE HOMEMADE SIGNS, LIKE "I WANT TO LIVE IN A
WORLD WHERE GUNS ARE HARDER TO GET THAN HAMILTON TICKETS," "I
CAN'T EVEN BRING PEANUT BUTTER TO SCHOOL," "IF YOU NEED A
MACHINE GUN TO HUNT, YOU SUCK AT IT," AND THE EXTREMELY
COMPASSIONATE, "THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS FOR REPUBLICANS IN
NOVEMBER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO NICE.
SO LOVELY.
THE YOUNG SPEAKERS WERE AMAZING.
LIKE STONEMAN DOUGLAS STUDENT, SAM FUENTES WHO LITERALLY COULD
NOT CONTAIN HER PASSION.
>> POLITICIANS WILL SCREAM GUNS ARE NOT THE ISSUE BUT CAN'T LOOK
ME IN THE EYE.
I JUST THREW UP ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION, AND IT FEELS
GREAT.
>> STEPHEN: GOOD FOR YOU.
GIVE IT UP FOR SAM!
YES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GO GIRL!
>> Jon: LET IT RIP!
>> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.
THAT IS HONEST.
BECAUSE I HAVE FELT LIKE THROWING UP ON INTERSECTIONAL
TELEVISION FOR THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF AND I HAVEN'T HAD THE
COURAGE YET.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE WAS
INSPIRED BY THESE YOUNG PEOPLE.
TAKE FORMER SENATOR AND ROBOT IN "THE HALL OF NEVER GOING TO BE
PRESIDENTS," RICK SANTORUM.
>> THEY TOOK ACTION TO ASK SOMEONE TO PASS A LAW.
THEY DIDN'T TAKE ACTION SAY, HOW DO I AS AN INDIVIDUAL DEAL
WITH THIS PROBLEM?
THOSE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS WHERE YOU CAN TAKE IT IN
INTERNALLY AND SAY, HERE'S HOW I'M GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS,
HERE'S HOW I'M GOING TO HELP THE SITUATION INSTEAD OF GOING
AND PROTESTING AND SAYING, "OH, SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO PASS A LAW
TO PROTECT ME."
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, STOP ASKING YOUR GOVERNMENT TO ADDRESS YOUR
NEEDS.
REMEMBER WHAT THE BILL FROM SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK SAYS: "YOU'RE
ON YOUR OWN, SUCKERS!" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT SANTORUM DID HAVE THIS WORD OF ADVICE --
>> HOW ABOUT KIDS, INSTEAD OF LOOKING TO SOMEONE ELSE TO SOLVE
THEIR PROBLEM, DO SOMETHING ABOUT MAYBE TAKING C.P.R.
CLASSES?
>> STEPHEN: GREAT IDEA, RICK!
BUT WHY STOP AT C.P.R.?
KIDS SHOULD LEARN BLACKSMITHING, SO, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, THEY
CAN FORGE THEIR OWN RIFLE.
OH.
"WHEN THIS THING COOLS, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, ROBERT MUELLER'S
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION MUST BE GOING WELL BECAUSE THE
PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS ARE FLEEING LIKE RATS LEAVING A SINKING
TRUMP.
THE "NEW YORK TIMES" IS REPORTING THAT, AT A CRUCIAL
JUNCTURE, TRUMP'S LEGAL DEFENSE IS LARGELY A ONE-MAN OPERATION.
THAT MAN?
CONSERVATIVE ATTORNEY AND EVIL MILHOUSE, JAY SEKULOW.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT TRUMP SAYS THAT THE STORY IS
NONSENSE, TWEETING, "MANY LAWYERS AND TOP LAW FIRMS WANT
TO REPRESENT ME IN THE RUSSIA CASE... DON'T BELIEVE THE FAKE
NEWS NARRATIVE THAT IT IS HARD TO FIND A LAWYER WHO WANTS TO
TAKE THIS ON.
FAME AND FORTUNE WILL NEVER BE TURNED DOWN BY A LAWYER, THOUGH
SOME ARE CONFLICTED.
PROBLEM IS THAT A NEW..."
"...LAWYER OR LAW FIRM WILL TAKE MONTHS TO GET UP TO SPEED--
IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THEY CAN BILL MORE-- WHICH IS UNFAIR
TO OUR GREAT COUNTRY-- AND I AM VERY HAPPY WITH MY EXISTING
TEAM.
BESIDES, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA, EXCEPT BY CROOKED
HILLARY AND THE DEMS!" ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS REALLY ONE OF THE SADDEST TRUMP TWEETS I'VE EVER
SEEN.
HE KNOWS NO ONE WANTS TO REPRESENT HIM, BUT HE'S SAYING
EVERYONE DOES.
THAT'S LIKE WHEN I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO PROM BECAUSE TOO MANY
PRETTY GIRLS ASKED ME AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THEM CRY.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOT PLENTY OF LAWYERS, BUT
THEY'RE ALL IN CANADA MODELING.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, IF YOU NEED A LEGAL TEAM,
MAYBE DON'T SAY "FAME AND FORTUNE WILL NEVER BE TURNED
DOWN BY A LAWYER," AND "IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THEY CAN
BILL MORE."
"WHY AREN'T THESE BLOODSUCKING, AMBULANCE-CHASING, FAME-WHORES
MORE EXCITED ABOUT KEEPING ME OUT OF JAIL?"
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND, APPARENTLY, TRUMP IS DONE PLAYING NICE WITH MUELLER.
ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, "TRUMP IS LOOKING AT THIS SAYING, I DID
IT YOUR WAY FOR MONTHS, NOW I'M (BLEEP) DOING IT MY WAY."
BY THE WAY, "I'M (BLEEP) DOING IT MY WAY," IS MY FAVORITE
SINATRA SONG.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALONG WITH "THE (BLEEP) SUMMER WIND," "FLY ME TO THE (BLEEP)
MOON," AND "(BLEEP) BE A LADY TONIGHT."
♪ FLY ME TO THE ( BLEEP ) MOON AND LET ME PLAY AMONG THE STARS
♪ LET ME KNOW WHAT ( BLEEP ) IS LIKE ON
♪ JUPITER AND MARS IN OTHER WORDS
♪ PLEASE BE TRUE.
♪ IN OTHER WORDS ♪ IN OTHER WORDS
♪ ( BLEEP ) YOU ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SEAN PENN IS HERE TONIGHT, BU ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )