We're all Americans.
It's just different Americas.
(woman) That's right.
Black folks, we also gotta--
We gotta try--
I ain't saying we gonna do it, but we gotta try sometimes
to give the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
Everything ain't racism.
About 2%, it's about 2%...
that ain't racism.
You gotta recognize that 2% when you see it.
I was in McDonald's, this dude was cussing everybody out.
Swore it was racism.
I walked in this fast food spot,
this dude cussing everybody out.
And this is the thing,
like, fast food spots already do shady stuff,
so I'm not saying they don't deserve to be cussed out.
They do, they deserve a good cussing every now and then,
'cause the thing they do now, some of these fast food spots,
they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets.
(audience murmurs)
You know, you want an extra sauce with your nuggets,
it's gonna be-- "Oh, you want another sauce, brother,
it's gonna be 25 cents."
How you charging for sauce, bro?
That's-- I want two sauces.
"Well, I need a quarter."
It ain't your sauce.
Just slide that shit across the counter.
The...
Sitting here arguing with a grown man
about two ounces of sauce
that don't even belong to you.
I'd be different if this was a mom-and-pop restaurant,
and it's special sauce, and she making it in the basement,
but this is sauce from a factory.
It's in a box.
It's not like your register gonna come up short
two honey mustards, man, just...
give me the sauce.
You ever meet the Guardian of the Sauce?
This dude is serious.
Done got a different color shirt from everybody else at work,
so now he arrogant.
"Well, you know, brother, I'm a supervisor now.
"I have a shirt on.
You know, if it was up to me, I would give you another sauce."
It is up to you!
It's on your side of the counter!
I just want two sauces without paying for 'em,
that's all I want.
But I walked in this spot, man,
this dude was cussing out the whole store.
Swore it was racism.
And I'm not saying that racism wasn't one of the causes
for him getting bad service,
I'm just saying, he jumped to that conclusion a little fast.
He didn't go through the progressions.
He ordered a six-piece nugget,
and it was five nuggets in the box.
And I didn't even know what was going on.
I'm texting, as soon as I walk in the door,
I'm texting, I hear this dude,
I hear this dude over in the cut,
I hear this dude go, "I'll kill everybody in this bitch."
(laughter and applause)
You know, that-- that gave me pause,
'cause he said he'll kill everybody in this bitch.
And I already had a foot in the door.
Am I technically in this bitch, sir?
'Cause I can pull this foot out and go to Arby's.
It ain't that deep.
Swore it was racism, man.
"Y'all stole my nugget. I'm tired of white folks."
"White folks don't want us to have shit!
Stole my nugget!"
Then he gonna turn to me.
"You see this shit, brother? You see this McDonald's?
"It's our nuggets today.
It's our children's nuggets tomorrow."
And I'm trying to reason with the dude.
I'm like, you sure they stole the nugget?
They stole it, that's...
That's what you gonna roll with, out the gate?
Just off the top stole it?
'Cause you know, sometimes, they might've forgot, some--
You know, sometimes the nuggets be stuck together.
You got to go through the progressions.
You might have a double nugget.
Check and see if you got the double nugget.
Hey, that's good luck.
You get the double nugget, you bite that one first.
"Ain't no double nugget! White folks, they stole it!
If I was white, I'd have got seven nuggets."
That's when I backed off.
I'm like, I can't help this dude.
I'm like, look, bro, I know you mad
and there's a lot of racial tension in the world,
but this ain't racism.
This is a fast food spot
at 2:00 in the morning.
Some of them folks back there can't count to six.
You want six nuggets, you need to order
a four-piece and two-piece.
That's how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free.
(cheers and applause)
(chuckles)
I like fast food employees.
I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude.
I like it.
At least it's from the heart.
'Cause people too nice now.
You go out to these stores, everybody, "Hey, how you doing?
Are you good? Thank you for choosing us."
You think them people wanna be your friend,
or they'll get fired for not speaking?
Which one you think it is?
'Cause 10, 15 years ago,
nobody spoke to you when you went in the store.
Now, all of a sudden, everybody wanna kick it with your ass?
No!
That's a corporate mandate, and I'd rather you not do it.
I get in the grocery store.
It's just too many questions at the register.
Just ring up the shit that's on the belt.
We ain't gotta be friends.
I'm here, I'm spending money, you won.
What else do you want?
Why I gotta be your friend, too, man?
"Did you find everything okay?"
You know what? No, I ain't-- No.
I ain't find nothing.
I ain't find nothing I needed,
and rather than ask for assistance,
I just brought this shit up here at random.
Just ring that up, and I just guess I'll leave.
Be at the grocery store, they be trying to
critique everything you got on the belt.
(imitating beeping)
"Oh, I see you got the apple.
I like blueberry."
Well, go back there and get you one.
I like apple, I don't wanna talk to you about--
The price you pay for politeness is your time.
So you want somebody to be nice to you?
That's cool, enjoy it,
but I'd rather get them minutes back with somebody I know.
And stop asking me if I got the discount card,
I ain't go the discount card.
If I ain't pull it out, I ain't got it.
Don't ask me.
Standing at the register having a 15-minute negotiation
about why I should become a member of your club.
Fuck your club, bro. I don't wanna be in it.
Just for that, I ain't coming back.
I was gonna come back, but then you asked me
to be in the club, now I don't wanna, mm-mmm.
And then why I gotta join the club?
Why I gotta--
Why I gotta join the grocery store Illuminati
just to get a discount?
Can't you just always give me the discount?
Don't that make the most sense?
Just always give me the cheapest price
and then I'll spread the word,
and then I'll bring more people with me.
"You don't have every--
You don't have your Price Buster Reward Card?"
No, I ain't got it, I ain't got the card.
"Do you want to apply for a Price Buster Reward--"
No, I didn't come here to do homework.
Just ring up the shit!
I want to leave so bad I'd rather pay full price.
That's how bad I wanna go home right now.
"Oh, well, sir, it's no big deal.
"You ain't saved nothing.
Tell you what, I'll just use my card for you."
Boop!
So you had a card this whole time?
That's time wasted.
Yo, straight up, every grocery store
should just have a "Shut the Fuck Up" lane.
That's the solution.
You don't wanna talk to somebody,
you get to go down to register two.
You wanna have chitchat, you go to register three.
But register two, we getting shit done.