>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY!
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY.
JON, YOU KNOW, THE WORD IS, THERE'S STILL A CHANCE WE'RE
GOING TO GET DUMPED ON, RIGHT, TOMORROW.
TOMORROW BEING SATURDAY, WHEN THE STORM IS SUPPOSED TO BE
HERE.
WHAT'S IT CALLED A BOMB CYCLONE?
I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, I THINK TWICE IN MY CHILDHOOD THERE WAS
SNOW.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: IT TOOK A LITTLE ADJUSTING FROM ME.
YOU'RE FROM NEW ORLEANS.
DID YOU HAVE ANY-- HOW DO YOU DO IN SNOW, BY THE WAY?
>> Jon: I LOVE TO LOOK AT IT.
I DON'T LIKE TO BE IN IT.
WE DIDN'T HAVE SNOW GROWING UP.
>> Stephen: NEVER, NOT A FLAKE?
>> Jon: NOT A SINGLE ONE.
THE FIRST TIME I SAW SNOW WAS WHEN I CAME TO NEW YORK CITY AND
I DIDN'T HAVE A WINTER COAT.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU?
>> Jon: I WAS 17.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I SAW SNOW IN MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO PREPARING ANYBODY FOR IT.
>> Jon: IT'S MAGICAL AND IT'S COLD BUT YOU GET TIRED OF IT
REAL QUICK.
>> Stephen: JON, OSCAR WINNER MARLEE MATLIN IS HERE, AND
MACKENZIE DAVIS, FROM "STATION ELEVEN" IS HERE.
>> Jon: "STATION ELEVEN," THAT'S RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CLIP, CLIP, EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, AND I HOPE YOU DO, I SPEND A
LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, TIRELESSLY STUDYING THE LINEAGE
OF THE DAY'S MOST IMPORTANT THOROUGHBRED STORIES AND
HOLSTEINER HEADLINES, WORKING WITH THE BEST TRAINERS MONEY CAN
BUY TO REAR THEIR COMEDY OFFSPRING WITH A HAND THAT IS
STERN, YET GENTLE, INTO THE TRIPLE-CROWN-WINNING EQUINE
SPECIMEN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS I BREAK INTO AN UNINCORPORATED
VETERINARY GENETICS LAB AND GRAB WHATEVER TEST TUBES I CAN FIND.
THEN, UNDER A GROW LIGHT I GOT FROM A DISCARDED CHIA PET, I MIX
THE PILFERED D.N.A. OF A HORSE AD WHATEVER WAS IN A TUBE
LABELED "KEITH-COLON-EXTRA," SLURRYING THE CONCOCTION WITH
CAFFEINE PILLS AND A MICROWAVED REDBULL, I SCREAM-SING A PRAYER
TO JANUS, INITIATOR OF HUMAN LIFE AND GOD OF TRANSFORMATION
AS A HALF HORSE, HALF MAN-FREAK, SEIZES TO LIFE BEFORE ME IN THE
HEINOUS COLLECTION OF LOOSE ANIMAL PARTS AND CORRUPTED MAN
TISSUE THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( APPLAUSE )
WORTH IT EVERY TIME.
THE TRIP IS WORTH IT EVERY TIME FOR THIS GOLDEN TREASURE.
MEANWHILE, AS THE PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO DRIVE UP COSTS,
WE'RE GETTING WORD THAT "OSCAR MAYER HOT DOGS AND
VELVEETA CHEESE WILL GET MORE EXPENSIVE."
GOOD LORD.
IF THIS CONTINUES, IT MIGHT EVENTUALLY RAISE THE PRICE OF
FOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN AN AMAZING NEW BREAKTHROUGH, A "FROG'S MISSING
LEG WAS REGROWN WITH A CHEMICAL COCKTAIL" THAT WAS APPLIED TO
"CLAWED FROGS."
YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS: CLEARLY, THEY HAVE CREATED FROG
WOLVERINE, SO NOW THEY CAN FINALLY ASSEMBLE A TEAM OF FROG
X-MEN TO BAND TOGETHER AT THEIR SECRET POND IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
AND, AT LAST, BRING THE FIGHT TO THEIR NEMESIS, FROG-NETO.
I LOVE SCIENCE.
I JUST LOVE SCIENCE.
MEANWHILE, IN BREAKING JUICE NEWS, "SIMPLY" BRAND LEMONADE IS
BECOMING A BOOZY BEVERAGE.
CONGRATS TO THE TEAM BEHIND THE RECIPE: EVERY SINGLE HIGH SCHOOL
JUNIOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THIS ONE'S FOR ALL MY SEXY MULTICELLED ORGANISMS OUT
THERE.
AFTER DIGGING AROUND IN THE SIBERIAN PERMAFROST, "A
24,000-YEAR-OLD ANIMAL HAS BEEN FOUND ALIVE, WELL, AND READY TO
REPRODUCE."
SCIENTISTS WERE ALERTED TO THE DEVELOPMENT WHEN THE ORGANISM
CHANGED ITS FACEBOOK STATUS TO, "OUT OF THE GROUND AND LOOKIN'
TO POUND!"
( APPLAUSE )
THE GROUND FOR ALMOST 25,000 YEARS BUT WAS CAPTURED ON
VIDEO ALIVE AND MOVING.
TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S A DELLOID ROTIFER, A SPECIES WHICH STILL EXISTS
TODAY-- ALTHOUGH, TODAY THEY ARE MUCH BIGGER AND SEEN MOSTLY
OUTSIDE CAR DEALERSHIPS.
MEANWHILE, DUE TO OMICRON, "WHITE CASTLE HAS CANCELLED
THEIR ANNUAL TRADITION OF 'FINE DINING' ON VALENTINE'S DAY."
NORMALLY, AT WHITE CASTLE, "FINE DINING" IS GETTING THROUGH LUNCH
WITHOUT WITNESSING RATS BETTING ON A RACCOON FIGHT.
BUT THIS VALENTINE'S, THE RESTAURANT WILL PIVOT, CHANGING
GEARS TO "A TO-GO CELEBRATION, OFFERING A VERY PINK LOVE CUBE
MEAL BOX, WHICH INCLUDES EIGHT CHEESE SLIDERS, TWO SMALL SOFT
DRINKS, AND A CHOICE OF TWO SHAREABLE SIDES."
COST OF THE MEAL: ABOUT $15.
BUT THE LOOK ON THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE'S FACE AS THEY DECIDE TO
LEAVE YOU?
PRICELESS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OSCAR WINNER MARLEE MATLIN.