Welcome back to the show.
Hey, how was your weekend?
Me, I didn't do much-- just went for a walk with a few friends.
[CHEERING]
Woo!
The president spent his Saturday in Langley
with his portable pep squad, attempting
to mend both his rift with the CIA and the wounds
to his exquisitely tender ego.
Man, I was explaining about the numbers.
We did a-- we did a thing yesterday.
The speech-- did everybody like the speech?
You had to like-- [APPLAUSE]
So I've been given good reviews, but--
[APPLAUSE]
But we had a massive field of people.
You saw that.
Packed. - Oh, Jesus.
Fuck!
Let it go already!
There was so much empty space, it's
amazing no one declared manifest destiny on the uncolonized end
of the National Mall!
[APPLAUSE]
It would have been--
it would have been a fitting kick-off to a second Jackson
administration.
You are at a memorial to agents who gave
their lives for their country!
What is the matter with you?
It's just unbelievably frustrating
when you're continually told, "It's not big enough."
Shh, I know, honey.
I know.
[LAUGHING]
But if one unsatisfied woman makes you feel sad,
I got some bad news for you.
[APPLAUSE]
You know, going--
[CHEERING]
I know.
Going to the Women's March was like waking up from a nightmare
to find that the monster was real,
but all your friends were there with sticks,
and torches, and unflattering hats to beat back the darkness.
If only we'd known sooner that all you
have to do to get white women to show up to a protest
is to give them a craft!
[LAUGHING]
We'll keep that in mind the next time some white lady
turnout would be helpful!
[CHEERING]
People-- people put a lot of effort into getting to a march,
while others put a lot of effort into not understanding
why people were marching.
- Why are you guys marching? - I don't get it.
These marches just-- they-- they befuddle me.
I frankly didn't see the point.
I mean, you have a day after--
he's-- he's uplifting and unifying.
Yeah, we know what Trump's been uplifting.
That's why we had to march.
Our executive branch is in the hands of a septuagenarian size
queen and a cornfed fertility cultist
who calls his wife "Mother."
[LAUGHING]
So forgive us if we're a little worried about getting
zapped back to Pleasantville.
There were sister marches from coast to coast.
And if you watch Fox, nowhere in between.
Big protests yesterday all over the country--
Los Angeles.
Big liberal cities-- New York City.
Liberal people from liberal cities gathered en masse.
I'm not sure that's a message that's
going to resonate, again, outside of liberal cities.
These are all liberal enclaves!
I mean, these are the folks that came out on the coasts.
Yeah, snooty coastal enclaves like Des Moines, Iowa, the
Kennebunkport of the prairie.
And Wichita, Kansas.
I think Anna Wintour took the Hampton Jitney to that one.
There were marches in Kanab, Loup City, and Zebulon--
which sound like "Star Trek" planets,
but which I assure you are real American towns
where real American people are getting real woke real fast.
[CHEERING]
If-- if there is a liberal bubble,
it includes Mentone, Alabama, where 50 people
marched in a town of 360.
It includes Fairbanks, Alaska, where 2,000 people marched
in minus 19 degree weather.
[CHEERING]
Which sounds impressive until you
realize that if they stopped marching,
they'd get frostbite and die.
And it includes the tiny village known as Josh Kushner,
Ivanka's brother-in-law.
Oh, that family is in for a fun Passover!
Special shout-out to the hundreds of marchers
in Berkeley, California, who arrived only to discover they'd
been Pepe trolled, and no actual march had been organized,
so they marched anyway!
Sorry, Pepe.
You can't rain on the pussy parade.
These pussies are bone-dry, my friends.
OK, that is a metaphor that needs some work.
Actually, you know what?
To hell with words.
It was music that captured the spirit of the march.
In a viral video of young women from thousands of miles
apart who connected and rehearsed online,
then met in person for the first time at the march
to lay down a protest anthem for the ages.
And they're just getting started.
Please welcome MILCK, featuring the GW
Sirens and Capital Blend.
[CHEERING]
(SINGING) Know your face.
Know your place.
Shut up and smile.
Don't spread your legs.
Oh, I could do bad.
But no one knows me, no one ever will, if I don't say something,
if I just lie still.
Would I be a monster, scare them all away,
if I let them hear what I have to say?
I can't keep quiet, no.
A one-woman riot, no.
I can't keep quiet, for any one.
No, not any more.
'Cause no one knows me, no one ever
will, if I don't say something, take that dry, blue pill.
They may see a monster, they may run away.
But I have to do this.
I can't keep quiet, no.
A one-woman riot, no.
Oh, I can't keep quiet.
There'll be someone who understands.
Let it out, let it out, let it out now.
Must be someone who understands.
Let it out, let it out, let it out now.
There'll be someone who understands.
Let it out, let it out, let it out now.
Oh, I can't keep quiet, no.
I can't keep quiet, no, no.
No, I won't keep quiet.
[APPLAUSE]