♪ ♪ ♪ YEAH!
>> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE
LATE, LATE SHOW.
ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED AFTER THAT.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD DAY?
HOW WAS EVERYTHING?
THERE'S LIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
THROUGH THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
ABOUT WE'RE SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.
TONIGHT WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE VERY FUNNY BEN
SCHWARTZ AND LATER WE'VE GOT A PERFORMANCE FROM THE FOO
FIGHTERS.
YOU FIGHT A LOT OF FOO?
>> I'M A FIGHTING FOO.
I PITY THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T FIGHT FOR THE FOO.
>> James: THAT'S GREAT.
PRESIDENT BIDEN JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THERE WILL BE ENOUGH
VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY ADULT IN THE COUNTRY, TWO MONTHS
EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED.
TAKE A LOOK...
>> ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY DIFFICULT IN AMERICA BY
THE END OF MAY!
>> James: COME ON!
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
I'M GOING TO HAVE MY HOT GIRL SUMMER AFTER
ALL, BABY!
SUMMER IS BACK ON!
ME AND PETE ARE GOING TO BE AT THE BEACH, GRILLING UP
HOT DOGS, SHOT-GUNNING BEERS SITTING AROUND THE BONFIRE AND
SINGING SONGS FROM "LITTLE SHOP OF HRRORS."
YES, PETE WILL BE LIKE FEED ME, I'LL CHUCK A CHICKEN WING IN HIS
MOUTH, FEED ME.
THERE HAS TO BE MORE.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO WHEN WE'RE ALL VACCINATED?
HERE IS WHAT I'LL SAY.
IT IS ONLY A PARTY FOR US.
THE REST OF THE STAFF IS ON ZOOM, CANNOT COME.
>> ONLY FAIR.
ONLY FAIR.
>> James: NONE OF THEM CAN COME.
NONE OF THEM.
DON'T YOU THINK?
>> I WAS LOOKING AROUND, THERE'S GOING TO BE 20 OF US AT THIS
PARTY.
>> James: BUT THIS IS THE BEST 20!
THE BEST 20, THIS IS IT, RIGHT?
WE ONLY LOOKING AT THE MARTY'S ABSOLUTELY BUZZING, COVID CREW.
A YEAR FROM NOW WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS BUT WE WERE IN THE
FRONT LINE OF THE TRENCHES.
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WERE IN NEBRASKA!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.
A REALLY ITCHY NOSE.
I'M TRYING TO ITCH IT, BUT ACTUALLY WHAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO
DO YOU GET A FULL NOSE ATTACK?
>> THAT WAS YOUR DISCRETE ITCH?
USE YOUR WHOLE ARM.
>> James: I WAS TRYING TO DO IT AT MOMENTS I THOUGHT THEY
MIGHT HAVE CUTS.
QUICK KIT YOU'RE BACK.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE DON'T YOU THINK IAN?
THINKING IN THE EDIT.
WHAT I REALLY NEED TO DO IS GO --
>> YEAH.
AH!
>> James: BUT I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS VACCINE.
THIS REALLY IS GREAT NEWS.
WE CAN END ALL OF THIS TWO MONTHS EARLIER THAN WE THOUGHT,
OR TWO MONTHS EARLIER THAN THAT FRS FLATTEN THE CURVE.
TWO WEEKS TO FLATTEN THE CURVE!
BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL MAY, YOU CAN HEAD TO NORTH
CAROLINA, WHERE LATER THIS MONTH, THEY WILL
WILL BEGIN OFFERING THE VACCINE TO SMOKERS, DEFINED AS ANYONE
WHO HAS, "SMOKED AT LEAST 100 CIGARETTES IN YOUR LIFE."
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE A SMOKER?
DO THEY WATCH YOU PUT ON A DENIM JACKET AND SUNGLASSES AND
MAKE YOU SAY "WHATEVER, MAN," THEN THEY'RE LIKE "YUP, HE'S
COOL.
GIVE HIM THE SHOT."
YOU JUST KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN NORTH CAROLINA, THERE'S A GUY
WHO'S BEEN SMOKING LIKE 40 CIGARETTES A DAY BUT
LIKE "I TOLD YOU!
(COUGH COUGH COUGH) YOU WANTED ME TO QUIT...
(COUGH COUGH) BUT WHO'S HEALTHY N...
(COUGH) N... (COUGH) NOW!
(COUGH COUGH) BUT HONESTLY, HAVE I SMOKED
ONE-HUNDRED CIGARETTES IN MY LIFE?
YOU GOT TO ASK THIS GUY.
HERE IS BIG PANDEMIC NEWS OUT OF TEXAS.
GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT HAS DECLARED AN END TO ALL COVID
RESTRICTIONS IN THE STATE.
BUSINESSES ARE NOW COMPLETELY OPEN, AND EVEN THE MASK MANDATE
HAS BEEN LIFTED.
TO WHICH MOST TEXANS REPLIED, "WHAT MASK MANDATE?"
TEXAS IS DOING THIS OVER THE OBJECTION OF HEALTH OFFICIALS.
I GUESS THIS IS WHY THEY SAY, "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS."
BECAUSE THEY ARE (/
BY THE WAY, MISSISSIPPI ANNOUNCED SIMILAR PLANS A SHORT
WHILE LATER...
BUT C'MON.
IT'S MISSISSIPPI.
NOBODY CARES.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: MY NOSE -- IT'S
REALLY ITCHY.
>> I HAVE A POINT IF YOU WANT TO FIX IT.
A CERTAIN UNEDITED POINT.
>> James: THIS IS ONE LINE?
>> SORRY, TOOK US THIS LONG TO TELL YOU.
NOW YOU CAN RELAX.
>> James: OH NOW I CAN JUST RELAX AND SEE WHERE THINGS GO.
NOW I DON'T HAVE TO STICK SO RIGIDLY TO THE SCRIPT!
THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE FORCEFULLY ABOUT ALL THIS,
SLAMMING TEXAS AND MISSISSIPPI FOR, "NEANDERTHAL THINKING."
THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, WE'VE OFFICIALLY HIT "NEANDERTHAL
LEVELS" ON THE MALARKEY SCALE.
WHEN HE HEARD BIDEN'S COMMENT TED CRUZ WAS LIKE ...
>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
>> THANKFULLY.
>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
>> James: AND DID ANYBODY SEE THIS?
JAPANESE BILLIONAIRE YUSAKU MAZAZWA IS SEEKING EIGHT
VOLUNTEERS FOR THE FIRST SPACEX FLIGHT AROUND THE MOON IN 2023.
APPLICATIONS ARE NOW OPEN FOR THE TRIP, WHICH WILL BE
COMPLETELY PAID FOR BY THE BILLIONAIRE.
SO, THAT GUY IS DEFINITELY HUNTING THESE PEOPLE ON THE
MOON, RIGHT?
(LAUGHTER) >> James: THE MISSION WOULD
FLY AROUND THE MOON BUT NOT LAND ON IT.
FTC THE MOON IS KIND OF LIKE THE
EIFFEL TOWER-- YOU GET THERE TAKE SOME PHOTOS IN FRONT
BUT IT'S NOT WORTH ACTUALLY GOING INSIDE.
THIS BILLIONAIRE WILL PAY PEOPLE TO BE HIS COMPANIONS.
I FOUND THAT A BIT SAD.
DON'T YOU?
IAN?
REGGIE?
BAND?
CREW?
ISN'T IT SAD THAT THIS GUY HAS TO PAY PEOPLE TO BE AROUND HIM
LAUGH AT HIS JOKES, PAY ATTENTION TO HIM?
ONCE A DAY?
VERY SAD.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: AND THIS IS SOMEWHAT
ALARMING.
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, ROUGHLY ONE THIRD OF AMERICANS
THINK THAT THE POLITICAL DIVIDE IS SO DEEP IN THIS COUNTRY THAT
THEY WOULD SUPPORT SPLITTING UP THE UNITED STATES INTO
LIKE-MINDED "REGIONS."
AMERICA'S GETTING DIVORCED?
WHICH MEANS IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, AMERICA IS GOING TO FLY
TO JAMAICA TO GET HER GROOVE BACK.
I THINK IT WOULD BE A LOT MORE FUN IF THE REGIONS WERE RANDOMLY
ASSEMBLED BY PICKING NAMES OUT OF A HAT.
"OKAY, RHODE ISLAND, NEW MEXICO.
AND ALASKA.
YOU'RE A TEAM, FIGURE IT OUT.
FLORIDA IS ALREADY WORKING ON THEIR NATION'S FLAG, WHICH WILL
BE A PAIR OF JEAN SHORTS WITH AN ALLIGATOR PAINTED ON IT.
AND HERE IS A STORY WE WANTS TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
EVERYONE HERE FAMILIAR WITH "MICRODOSING?"
YOU KNOW, TAKING A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF L.S.D. ON A DAILY
BASIS?
WELL, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE BENEFITS OF MICRODOSING ARE
PURELY PLACEBO.
PLACEBO, OF COURSE, IS THE NAME OF THE PURPLE ZEBRA WHO SUDDENLY
MORPHS INTO A BATHMAT.
THIS IS TRUE!
THERE MAY BE NO BENEFITS TO MICRODOSING.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT BY TAKING TINY LITTLE BITS OF
L.S.D. EVERYDAY ISN'T MEDICALLY SOUND?
WHETHER THEY TOOK ACTUAL L.S.D.
OR PLACEBOS, ALL PARTICIPANTS IN THE STUDY SHOWED A SIGNIFICANT
INCREASE IN... TELLING ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN HOW THEY
STARTED MICRODOSING AND "IT LIKE, TOTALLY CHANGED THEIR
LIFE."
BAND, I FEEL LIKE THIS NEWS HAS HIT YOU HARD...
WHO'S MICRO-DOSED IN THE BAND?
>> I HAVE.
MUSHROOMS NOT LSD.
>> James: MUSHROOMS YOU CAN BARELY FEEL THAT RIGHT?
>> CHANGED HIS LIFE.
>> James: BE HONEST, HOW MANY DRUGS ARE IN YOUR SYSTEM RIGHT
NOW?
>> JUST ONE.
>> James: LOVE?
>> THE GREATEST DRUG OF ALL.
>> James: AND THERE WAS NO WAY WE WOULDN'T SHOW YOU THIS.
A PHOTO OF A RARE SEA WORM.
WE SHOULD DO, A RARE SEA WORM THAT CAN GROW UP TO EIGHT INCHES
LONG, HAS GONE VIRAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
HAVE A LOOK AT IT HIRE.
YOU CAN SEE WHY IT BLEW UP ON SOCIAL MEDIA CAN'T YOU, BECAUSE
IT LOOKS LIKE AN AIR POD.
THAT HAS TO BE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING FROM THE GUY WHO
DISCOVERED IT.
HE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE -- PEOPLE IN LINE ARE CALLING IT THE SEA
PENIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT.
I CALL IT THE (BLEEP)