- This coronavirus is it's changing the city, man.
And you know, I saw guy in Washington Square Park
in a trench coat and he was like,
"Yo, I got Purell, I got zinc."
(audience laughs)
"Give you a face mask."
It's like, "Didn't you use to sell coke?"
He's like, "yeah, shit's changed around here,
"you know?" (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Coronavirus is in New York,
have you stocked up on your supplies?
- I'mma just keep going out.
- What kinda fucking lunatic are you?
- I'm just saying, if I--
- Two weeks of supplies bro. - Nah.
- One gallon of water per person per day for 14 days.
- Okay. - Pound of food
per person per day. - Okay.
- For 14 days. - Really?
- When people are dying in the streets,
a gallon of water will be $42 a fucking gallon.
You better get it right now while it's $3.
It's me, my girl, our son. - Yeah.
- He's three.
Three gallons of water per day times 14 days.
I don't know the math,
but I know I can't carry that much water
from the grocery store, - Three,
- To my home.
It's three times 14.
Whatever three times 14 is.
Two, and the one, is that 32 gallons?
(thoughtful music)
That doesn't feel right. - It is crazy
that I can't do it quickly. - Yeah, I feel,
14 times three's a tough one.
- Three times 14. - 14, 14's 28.
- Yeah but then you add that other,
- And I watch football. - Then 38, 42.
It's 42. - 42 gallons of water.
- Yeah. - That's too much water.
And this is where the health officials
start getting it wrong.
You need six days worth of water,
save your urine in the tub or the toilet,
don't flush the toilet
and for the next six days drink your urine
from the first six days of water.
That's 12 days of fluids.
All you need is two more days
where you just don't drink.
- I'm insulted that-- - You can live without water
for three days. - I hate that
you've ever called me a lunatic.
Because this thing that you're talking
about right now, is insanity.
- The craziest thing you could do,
- You're gonna drink your pee early.
- If you're in a disaster situation
where you cannot leave your home,
it is imperative that you save your urine.
- So you're telling me, - Why the fuck
would you flush your urine?
- You're telling me
that in the first week of the two weeks,
- Yes. - You're gonna start
drinking pee? - I didn't drink it,
I said I was gonna save it.
I put it in the bottles that the water used to be in.
- This is the talk of someone that like gets the thing.
- This is the talk of someone that is prepared
in case the shit goes south.
- I know you think you're prepared,
but right now, it's all just pee talk.
- I can tell you ain't never been through no shit.
- Why are we shaking hands?
Isn't that weird?
Why are we still shaking hands like it's 1852?
Like, you say "hi" and you shake hands?
I already acknowledged that I saw you,
you know? (audience laughs)
Why do we also have to shake hands?
Like, if they don't fix coronavirus,
like if we just live with it forever
and then that's it,
shaking hands will go away. (audience laughs)
Like, the CDC already said like,
"Hey you don't need to shake everybody's hand."
Okay?
You could like,
it'll go away.
And when it goes away, for our grandkids,
like generations and generations past now,
when our grandkids shake hands,
that's gonna be like third base.
(audience laughs)
You're gonna have people after dates like,
"girl, how was it?"
And she'll be like, (laughs) "girl, girl we, it was good.
(audience laughs) "It was all right, you know,
"it went good like, girl, you know,
"it was towards the end of date, we ate
"and you know, we had a little wine and everything
"and then, like, we just shook hands,
(audience laughs) "in front of everybody,
"it was crazy, in public!"
"In public?"
"In public!" (audience laughs)
"It just felt right."
Then her friend'll be like,
"girl, girl, please tell me you wore a glove."
(audience laughs) "No glove.
"No glove, I didn't need a glove.
"It's all right boo.
"Felt like the one, you know what I'm saying?
"Just shake, 'cause, I don't even know what happened,
"just but, all of sudden my hand was in his hand."
"Girl, no glove?
"You nasty."
"I know.
"I know I'm nasty though.
"No glove, hands, you know what I mean?"
(audience laughs)
- I don't eat nothing with a C these days.
Corona, why would they call it corona?
- Wait, it's not, listen, it's not coronas like the alcohol.
It's coronavirus. - How do you know?
It's spelled the same way. - So, there's a lot
of things spelled the same way.
That don't mean it's the same thing.
- Oh you know what?
'Cause they came out
with a new HPV cream called Chloe (laughs).
- You know what?
I can't stand you (laughs).
You said you don't eat nothing with a C,
does that mean you don't eat cock no more?
- (laughs) No it's called penis this month.
- Oh now you change it for, (laughs)
- (laughs) yeah.
- With the coronavirus I want us to stop kissing.
Anybody else on board?
We gotta stop kissing people in the mouth, it's disgusting.
(audience laughs)
It is absolute, why do we kiss each other in the mouth?
It's gross!
I was having sex with this guy,
he started kissing me,
I was like, "man, this is too much.
(audience laughs) "this is, like,
"I know your penis is inside of me
"but this like, we're not there yet.
"Like, why are you kissing me in the mouth?
"This is disgusting."
You guys think, you kiss in the mouth, all the time?
It's, think about it, you're just swapping saliva
for no reason.
You ever kiss somebody and they just too juicy
in the mouth and you gotta go (clicks tongue).
(audience laughs) It's like you took
a motherfucking swig of that purple wine at church.
Like, "ooh this enough."
A thimble of saliva in my mouth,
maybe wash it around (clicks tongue).
Absolutely disgust, I'm single if you didn't realize that.
(audience laughs)
- Are you guys germophobes lately?
Like, you know those long door handles?
I don't touch the middle anymore, I touch way up top.
(audience laughs)
But now, every time I walk into a restaurant,
it looks like I'm a stripper who's starting her dance.
(audience laughs)
- You know what's crazy about the coronavirus?
I read that like Corona beer sales are way down
'cause of the coronavirus.
Just 'cause the names are similar.
Which I think is weird.
I remember when OJ killed his wife,
we didn't stop drinking orange juice.
(audience laughs)
- Now with the coronas virus coming out.
- What did you call it?
- Whatever it is. - No, what did you call it?
What are you trying to say?
- How worried, like do you have?
- No dummy, it effects old people
like you first. (group laughs)
It's the people that are in the winter of their lives.
- I'm 44. - If you are 44,
I'll bathe my unborn baby in the coronavirus.
- There no way you're 44.
- I'm 44. - You're not 44
'cause you put a S on everything.
You called it coronas virus. (group laughs)
The older black men get,
the more S's they add on words.
(upbeat music)