Opposers, it is awards season,
and I'm not talking about that elitist tux rental pyramid scam,
the Emmy Awards, who've ignored this show for years
just because "it wasn't on television."
FYI, we've been airing our radio show, Mouth Justice,
on the dark web for decades,
and their awards are more more prestigious.
Also, they're stuffed with opioids and tiger horn.
I'm also not talking about Saturday night's D.C. wank fest,
the White House Correspondents' Dinner,
where comedian Michelle Wolf violated traditions
and norms by telling jokes.
(laughter, cheers and applause)
I...
I don't even know what she was thinking.
You don't speak truth to power. That's bullying.
You tell power how good it looks, and then you move on.
No, I'm talking about the only award season that matters:
Nobel Peace Prize season.
It must be time to give it out, because everyone's talking
about the clear favorite: Donald "Diplomacy" Trump.
(laughter)
South Korea's president says
that President Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize
for his efforts to end the standoff.
President Trump, if he can lead us
to ending the Korean War after 70 years,
deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.
That's very nice. Thank you.
-(applause and cheering) -That's very nice.
-Nobel. (chuckles) -KLEPPER: Nobel.
Nobel.
Listen to that crowd! Give him a Nobel!
That's actually how the winner is chosen, via applause-o-meter.
(laughter)
It's little known fact-- Henry Kissinger
won his when a crowd went ape-shit at a Pistons game.
(laughter)
Now the Nobel committee needs to act now.
They should have already given Trump the Nobel
for his response to Charlottesville,
when he had the vision to see good people on both sides.
(audience sighing, groaning)
I mean, that's peace through tolerance,
and Trump can tolerate shit you wouldn't believe.
(laughter)
Now if you've been living in a cave for the last year,
which I recommend you do to avoid their oxygen,
you might be wondering how Trump earned this latest peace prize.
Watch him bring an olive branch to the North Korean crisis.
WOMAN: "Kim Jung-Un of North Korea,
who is obviously a madman."
Rocket man is on a suicide mission for himself.
MAN: "North Korea has just launched another missile.
Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?"
MAN 2: "Why would Kim Jung-un insult me by calling me "old,"
when I would never call him "short and fat"?
Ooh!
Now that's a tactic the Kennedy School of Government would call,
"Choke on this tweet, biatch."
(laughter)
Yeah.
(applause and cheering)
Look it up.
It's called "insult diplomacy," and it has always worked.
Like when Reagan told Gorbachev,
"Your mama's so fat, tear down this wall!"
(laughter)
And look, it's working again.
Look at these two love birds.
North Korea and South Korea, coming together again.
And who made it happen?
King of the clap back-- Andrew Dice Trump.
(laughter)
And no one is modest...
(laughter)
...like the Dice Man.
They were saying,
"What do you think, uh,
President Trump had to do with it?"
I'll tell you what. Like, how about everything?
PEOPLE: Yeah!
-Yeah. -Yeah! -(groaning, laughter)
Trump has everything to do with everything!
Korean peace talks, *NSYNC's Hollywood star,
America's victory in Vietnam, everything.
Bottom line-- this is how you change the world.
Insults, burns, mockery.
Those are in the diplomat's toolbox.
And whoever masters that gets that big, fat Swedish nickel.
Oh, my God.
I just realized it.
Someone is coming for Donald's peace prize.
Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.
Fox News is here, so you know what that means, ladies.
Cover your drinks.
(slow, distorted speech): Trump is so broke,
he grabs pussies 'cause the thinks
there might be loose change in them.
I'd say to Michelle Wolf, "Hallelujah, girl.
You should be the one getting the Nobel Peace Prize."
(slow, distorted speech): You should be the one
-getting the Nobel Peace Prize. -KLEPPER (yelling): No!
No! No!
(applause and cheering)
No, Michelle. No.
Stop acting like a president!
You want to steal the Donald's peace prize?
This is war! The fight continues.