- Have you said these things to Shayla?
- Not the last one.
- I've heard you say the last one to her
but we'll stick with the other ones.
(dramatic music)
- Welcome to True Parenting.
You know, in your true crime documentaries
how they do reenactments of things that really happen.
Well, we are reenacting the actual conversations
that Alicia has had with our children
because I love the way she parents.
There's such warmth and structure and guidance in it
and I wanted to share it with the world.
The thing is, we didn't wanna exploit our kids
and have 'em on camera,
and so I am playing the role of our children.
I do so with their blessing.
The purpose is not to mock them,
it's just to bring these stories to life
and have a little fun with it.
Hope you enjoy.
- Okay, Bryson, do you realize that Shayla is upset
in general with the way you treat her?
- Yes.
- You're aware of that?
- Yes.
- Okay, do you know what it is
that you're doing that's upsetting for her?
Oh, you don't know.
I'm going to ask you to take 30 seconds to a minute
and think about it
because I think you have a decent understanding
of some of the things that you do that upset Shayla.
- I annoy her.
- What do you do that's annoying?
- I wanna play with her, but I go,
I don't know.
- Okay, so I have a question for you.
When you tell Shayla that you're better at math than her,
or you're better at spelling than her,
or you're better at everything than her,
how does she feel?
Have you said these things to Shayla?
- Not the last one.
- I've heard you say the last one to her,
but we'll stick with the other ones.
So when you tell Shayla
that you're better at math than her,
how does she feel?
- Sad.
- And how does she feel
about you for saying that to her?
- She doesn't like me.
- She feels like you're telling her
that she's not good and enough,
or that something's wrong with her.
That's how she feels.
Is that what you're trying to tell Shayla?
That she's not good enough
or that something's wrong with her?
Okay, so I know if I said to you,
"Hey, Bryson, I'm better at basketball than you".
See, you think it's funny,
but you also think it's a competition
because you're like, "Well, let's go play basketball.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's go play and I'll get better than you
and I'll show you."
But even if you're not the best at basketball,
even if you lose at basketball,
you don't feel like you're not good enough as a person.
Does that make sense?
You interpret that experience in your brain
completely differently than Shayla interprets it.
Does that make sense?
- Yes.
- Okay, so when you say to Shayla,
"I'm better at math, I'm a better speller.
I know how to do it and I'm younger than you"
what you're doing is you're teasing her,
and on your side you're teasing her
and you're just making some friendly competition
because for you, competition is fun and friendly.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah.
- But for Shayla competition is not fun or friendly.
So even though it's not the words you're saying,
she interprets it as, "I'm not good enough.
I'm not worthy."
And does she feel loved?
- No. - No.
How could she possibly feel loved
if that's what she feels you're saying to her?
Now, I know those aren't the words you're using
but that's the way she interprets it.
Okay, so now let me ask you a question.
If I walked around on a regular basis, Bryson,
telling you you're not good enough
you're not worthy, you're not lovable,
and then I came in and I was like,
"Hey Bryson, I wanna play with you.
Let's play.
Come on, come on, come on."
Would you feel like I care about you?
Would you feel like I'm someone you want to play with?
- Not really.
- No, you wouldn't.
But that's what's going on for Shayla
and that's what's been going on for Shayla for years.
And she feels like she keeps forgiving you
and she keeps giving you another chance.
And she's trying,
but she doesn't feel like you are trying.
Do you wanna know why she doesn't feel like you're trying?
- I am trying.
- You are, I see that.
You are trying in your own way,
but look at my face.
Do you want to know why she doesn't feel like you're trying?
Because you continue to say hurtful things to her
and I understand that you're just teasing,
and I understand that you don't mean those things
in a mean way,
but that doesn't change the fact
how Shayla is going to feel when you say them to her.
So what could you do differently?
- Not say those things.
- Yeah, so the first step would be to not say those things?
- Yes.
- Are you completely capable
of stopping saying those things immediately
and not saying them again?
Are you capable of doing that?
- Yes.
- You are completely capable.
Basically, Bryson, if you wanna tease someone,
you can tease me.
- Okay.
- I understand you're teasing and I will tease you back.
You don't tease Shayla
because with Shayla, that's your way of joking around
and showing love and affection.
Shayla does not receive love and affection that way.
She will never receive love and affection that way.
Does that make sense?
- Yes.
- So the first thing you can do
is completely stop saying hurtful things to Shayla.
That's the first thing.
And then what can you do next?
- Apologize.
- And then you can apologize.
Here's the magic.
Here's where the magic happens.
Do you want to know the magic part?
Bryson, do you want to know the magic part?
I'm not gonna tell you unless you really want to know.
Okay, no magic for you then.
I was trying to help you
have a magical relationship with Shayla,
but you don't want it.
Fine, that's okay.
- I want it.
- You're going to have to try harder than that.
Okay, say "show me the magic".
There's no magic unless you say, "show me the magic".
- Don't show me.
- Okay, I'm not doing it.
- No.
I said no.
- I'm gonna tell you solely because I love you.
So just like the words that you use can hurt Shayla,
the words that you use can also show her
that you love her and you care about her
and you can build a magical relationship.
So if saying to her,
I'm better at math
and I'm better at spelling, and I'm so smart,
if that's hurtful and tears her down,
what do you think you could say to her
that's healing and builds her up?
- Here's the thing, I do.
I say, oh, good job.
You did a good job.
And then she says, "stop making fun of me".
I'm not okay, no matter what I do.
- You know what you could do?
You could say,
"Hey Shayla, I'm having trouble with this math problem.
Could you help me?"
- No, that's not possible.
- It is possible because there's plenty of times
that Shayla's helped you with your math
because you weren't paying attention and she was
and she knows how to do it and you don't.
Plenty of times.
Bryson, look at me.
When it comes to Shayla, is it a competition?
- No.
- Can you compete with other people?
- Yes.
- Do you compete with Shayla?
- No, but I compete with Miles.
- So look at me.
It's not just Shayla, but there's a lot of people
that have personalities like that.
Who else in the family has a personality like Shayla's?
- Dad.
- So Bryson, just like when you use hurtful teasing words
with people that have personalities like Dad and Shayla
it hurts them on a very deep level.
You can use your words to build them up
and say, "Hey Shayla, you're so awesome at math.
I'm so grateful I have a sister like you."
"Hey Shayla, I sure love you.
Thanks for always being kind and making great lunches."
"Hey Shayla, I love the way you play the piano.
Would you wanna teach me
how to play that song on the piano?"
- But I know how to play all the songs
- You don't Bryson.
Bryson, can you use your words to praise them
and build them up?
- Yeah.
- Can you do that in your own special way?
- Yes.
- Can you do that with Shayla?
- What?
Oh, yes.
- Yes, that's the magic Bryson.
Okay, you are the magic.
Can you do that with dad too?
- Yeah.
- So when you tease dad, does he appreciate it?
- No.
- Does he interpret it as "Bryson loves me
and he appreciates me and he cares about me?"
How does he interpret it?
- That I'm trying to annoy him.
- No, he interprets it as definitely not the magic.
He literally interprets it as
"Bryson is telling me I'm not good enough.
Bryson is telling me I'm not worthy.
Bryson is telling me I'm not loved."
That's how dad's brain interprets it when you tease him.
Is that what you're trying to say with your actions?
- No.
- No, it's not.
And I know that's not what you're trying to say
but once again
when it happens over and over again, it's exhausting
and they feel like you don't care.
So when you're tempted to tease dad or Shayla,
what are you gonna do instead?
- I'm gonna build them up with my words.
- Be the magic.
I am the magic.
- You love magic, yes you do.
Do you want me to go beat you at basketball now?
- No, but I'll beat you up normally.
- You don't have a prayer boy.
- Different children require different parenting approaches
and different children relate to the world differently.
And what I love about this conversation that you just had
it was all about perspective taking.
- Yeah. - Helping our son
take the perspective of his sister
and understand what his actions,
how they were impacting her.
There's a divergence between intention and results.
- You know, it's definitely a talent of a 10 year old boy
to be able to take someone else's perspective.
It's not, it's not a talent.
In this video,
you'll hear me talk about different personalities
and if you want a better understanding
of what those different personality types are,
go back and watch the video,
"Marrying your opposite, we're just too different".
We explain the personalities a little bit more
and we have a full course on it in our membership site.
But here's the thing.
We have kids, two kids that are two years apart.
So they're next to each other in age.
Completely opposite personalities.
If you are one of these personalities,
you might really relate to what I'm saying.
Or if you have one of these personalities in your life,
you might really relate.
So Benson is what we call a closer,
and Sherry is what we call a healer.
And they're complete opposites.
They have their strengths.
Closers tease and have fun
and are super high energy.
Healers are very sensitive
and in touch with their emotions.
And they clash.
- Yeah.
Because closers are bulldozers who go
after whatever they want.
- Right. - And healers
are very sensitive. - Yeah.
And they get their feelings hurt more easily.
- So this is a perspective taking conversation.
And of course you can hear,
and we have another part where I have the same conversation
with our daughter
about her frustrations with her brother, right,
from her perspective.
But this son for you is a trigger.
Right? - Yeah.
He's hard for me 'cause he's my opposite.
- He's your opposite.
But he's also a trigger
of every childhood bully you dealt with.
- Yeah. - Because they were
the same personality type.
- Yeah. - Right.
And and our son, he's got a lot of sweetness to him.
- He is.
- But the way he handles conflict
or the way he goes after what he wants, just--
- Yeah. - It brings up a lot for me.
- Well he's, he's just aggressive by nature.
- Yeah.
- And to someone where aggressiveness
is confrontational or upsetting,
they're going to be upset just by general interactions,
not even intending the confrontation.
And so having these types of conversations,
having this understanding,
and of course this is not the first time
we've had this conversation.
We've had these conversations for years
and we're gonna continue having them.
- And once again, I just want to point out
I wanted to highlight the way you ask questions.
- Yeah. - Instead of lecturing,
instead of just pointing out
the way you guide and are they leading questions?
Absolutely.
(both laughing)
- We're leading.
We're leading.
- But just to get him thinking about
because the answers are more powerful
when they come from him. - Right.
- And especially when it comes to perspective taking,
there's actually not a big difference
between what I do in therapy and what you do here.
It's all about guiding people through,
getting them thinking-- - Right.
- About what the consequences of their choices are.
And the big question like, okay,
here's what you're trying,
what are you trying to accomplish?
Is it working?
Like in this case,
our son was trying to bond with his sister.
He wanted to have fun with her.
He wanted to connect with her.
Is it working?
No.
Why do you think that is?
I don't know.
Well, let's have a talk about that.
And it's because his version of play to her--
- Right. - Is an attack or a nuisance
- To say nothing of just the natural conflict siblings have.
Right? - Right.
- It's most of their interactions
because the way they interpret them are negative.
- Yeah, I do this with couples all the time
and families all the time.
Like, what are you going for?
Is it working?
Let's explore why it's not working
by trying to take the other person's perspective.
Why do you think that this is, this is failing, right?
It's, it's not working.
Not that it's bad.
And in fact, if you were dealing with someone
who are more like you, it would probably work.
- Right.
If he was dealing with another closer,
they would have a great time
and they would love each other and they would bond.
He's just not dealing with another closer.
So what is the purpose?
Like how do you have,
it was super fun to watch these videos,
but how do you have this conversation in your own home?
It's best to focus on intent.
The intent is love.
The intent is compassion.
The intent is understanding,
but the intent is also dealing in truth, right.
I did not express any of the concerns
with shame or judgment or guilt.
The, everything was expressed with love and concern
for him and for his sister.
And then the superpower, right?
The superpower for all of us is recognizing
that we are in control of our choices
and we have the ability to make a choice
and we lose that, right?
And especially when
we're not intentionally trying to create a problem
but a problem's been created, right?
And then we get defensive.
And so recognizing
and helping the children
and the other people in your life recognize
that they have a choice and no matter what,
they are in control of the choices that they make.
And starting that journey as a child
of understanding what other people's needs are,
what understanding what your needs are,
and working to meet both of them.
That meeting needs doesn't have to be an either or.
And don't worry, hopefully we get there
with this child in the next 10, eight to 10 years.
- Good luck.
- If you found this helpful,
please check out "what to do when your child is a klepto".
- Yay. - Also dealing
with this same son.
(chuckling)
If you've dealt with this in your family, like what,
what we're talking about in this video,
siblings with radically different personalities clashing.
How did you handle it?
We wanna learn from you, just like you learned from us.
We wanna share with our community.
So please let us know in the comments below.
- And until next time, keep shining.
We need your light.
(dramatic music)