Iit's time for some stand-up.
I saw this next comic,
and I thought he was really funny.
I asked him to come to do a tight five for us.
So, uh, please welcome Dylan Sullivan.
(cheering and applause)
Wow. Hey.
How are you?
Wow! Television.
(laughter and cheering)
It's wild.
I, uh, I know I'm getting too fat
'cause waitresses keep on giving me
sides of ranch I don't ask for.
(laughter and applause)
This is a bagel, you bitch.
(laughter and applause)
Doesn't even make sense.
Still gonna eat it.
But (bleep) you.
You know what I mean?
'Cause, uh, I'm prediabetic, you know.
Uh, not medically. I just have a feeling.
-Uh... -(laughter and applause)
Like, I was looking at a doughnut the other day,
and I was like, "This is the doughnut."
It's the diabetes doughnut.
I got excited, you know? (laughs)
You guys are a good crowd.
(laughter)
But I don't mean to be a bummer, though.
I've been on a weight loss binge.
I've lost over 100 pounds.
(cheering and applause)
Thank you guys very much.
I've gained 120 back.
-(laughter and cheering) -Unfortunately.
So I'm no longer a hero in L.A.
(laughs) But it's true. I lost over 100 pounds,
and then I gained back more than what I started from.
And I got used to hot people things.
I had abs.
I got used to hot people things, like ignoring people and shit.
(laughter)
My mom would call. I'd be like,
"Uh, it's not Christmas, bitch." You know?
Dylan's hot now.
I'm hot now, you know?
I got excited.
Now these L.A. people give me all this stupid advice.
"Oh, Dylan, why don't you focus on the vision."
"Oh, Dylan, if you just cut out soda,
"if you just cut out soda,
you'd lose ten pounds."
Genius! Maybe I like soda ten pounds enough.
(cheering and applause)
I've, uh, I've got a boyfriend. He's gay.
-Uh... -(laughter and applause)
He was (bleep) me the other day.
I was like, "This dude's gay for sure."
"Oh, you (bleep) fairy! Aah!"
I was looking back at him.
"Why are all these Glee posters in your room? Aah!"
Uh...
He's a... he's a good guy. He's gay, though.
-Uh... -(laughter)
A lot of people don't know I'm gay at first
because my voice, you know?
Uh, 'cause...
'Cause my voice is gay, but it's not, like, that gay.
I can still go to Christmas.
-Uh... -(laughter)
(chuckling)
But I can't do everything that other gay guys can do, you know?
Like, I can't talk shit to women
like other gay guys.
It sounds weird when I do it, you know?
I'll be like, "Hey, Carol, you're a bitch,"
and they're like, "Whoa, Dylan." You know?
But if I'm like... (effeminately): "Hey, Carol,
you dirty (bleep)," they're like, "Ha-ha-ha!"
(cheering and applause)
Love you, bitch.
(chuckling)
Oh, my God.
I hate L.A.
I hate this place.
Any Kevin Hart fans in the crowd?
-I'm a big Kevin Hart fan. Anybody else? -(cheering)
Hell yeah. I'm a big Kevin Hart fan.
I think he had too hard of a year, if you ask me, you know?
Just for some tweets in the past. We've all said some stuff.
'Cause he had said something years ago in a tweet,
uh, along the lines that he would beat the shit out
of his son if he was gay.
And, uh, I'm trying to get his side of the story,
see his perspective, 'cause I'd beat the shit out of my son
if he was black, so...
Not in my house, JaMarcus!
(chuckling)
You can be black when you're older!
Now, you march up to your room and you listen to Incubus!
(chuckling)
You should see when that joke doesn't work.
It's kind of messed up when it does work, too.
I just-- I remember being so nervous
when I came out to my dad, you know?
And I pulled out a cigarette because I was so nervous.
And he said, "Oh, my God, Dylan, you smoke?"
And I was like, "Yeah.
"And...
(chuckles) This is gonna be a tough day for you, Pops."
And then the first thing he told me after I came out,
the first thing he said was, "Dylan,
does this mean you don't want to go to college anymore?"
Like, "No, I'm just gonna move to New York City
and dance my way to the top!"
Thank you all so much! I'm Dylan Sullivan!
-Thank you all very much! -(cheering and applause)
Thank you very much. Enjoy the show.
Thanks, bud. Nice job.
All right, Dylan!