This is a really common issue and I get the question all the time. How do you
save a marriage with trust issues? I've got some powerful points for you. At the
end of this video, you're going to know what to do. Well, let's start out with a little
discussion about trust. It's one of the most common areas of concern that comes
up when a couple comes to my office. What do we do? The trust is gone>
Usually, they think that trust is the problem. It's not. That's a myth.
Trust is a secondary issue. It's not primary,
It's secondary. And what do I mean by that? When we feel hurt, when someone
cheats on us, when we get offended, we develop a lack of trust for that person
because we're afraid it's going happen again. "Is he going to hurt me again? Does
she really love me? Are they going to cheat on me?" You see from these examples, the
trust issues develop as a result of something else that already happened.
That's why I say that trust is a secondary issue. So, when couples come to
me for coaching, I never start with trust. In fact, trust is going to come as a
natural side effect of correcting some of the problems that are already going
on and applying correct principles that always work. A little disclaimer here, I'm
going to say some things that are probably going to sound like they apply
to everybody else but not me. Because my situation is extraordinary. My
relationship has some really special problems. I'm saying it that way so that
you'll see how ridiculous that is. I know that the problems that you're facing are
very personal to you. I get that. But the problems you're facing in your
relationship have already been had and solved by other couples throughout
eons of time. This is not unique to you. It just feels like it is because it is
you. Can you connect with that for just a minute? You're not a special case. And
your relationship is not extraordinary. Now, that offends some people when I say
that. But here's why it's so important. If you're not a special case, then the same
principles that have already been proven and tried with other couples can work
for you too. You're not a special case. Wrap your head around that for just a
minute. And now let's talk about what works? What is going to work to
reestablish (or sometimes establish for the first time) trust in this
relationship. There are 9 principles. And honestly, after being a shrink for as
long as I have, you can't shock me. I know. I have heard some of the darndest stuff
you can ever imagine as people have explained to me what
their problems are. And that's why I'm so confident that these principles can help
you. Let's go over these 9 principles. I'm going to do this very quickly. We're
not even going to go into a lot of detail. But I want you to have the tools
on board and then we can dive deeper if we need to. These 9 principles have
been proven to work. Trust me on this. You don't even have to trust me. You can
go to the research and see that these things are absolutely consistent. And
here's the first one. Positivity. Oh, big surprise. You're hearing that from Dr.
Paul. Positivity. Go back and review some of the videos on this channel that talk
about how positivity is created. In fact, down in the description, you'll see a
link for a free copy of my mini book. Portable positivity. I'll send you a
digital copy for free. It explains what I mean by positivity. Basically, it's
putting your mind in a position that allows you to apply all of the other
principles. That's pretty important. Now, I do catch some flack sometimes when I
mentioned positivity because people are already convinced that their situation
is not only extraordinary but it is extremely bad. I know it feels bad. Bad
and painful are not the same thing. Here's what I mean by positivity. You put
yourself in a position where you can see your relationship the way it is right
now without changing anything as being good. Now, is there an argument that it's
good? Yeah. If you compare it to stuff that's a whole lot worse than your
relationship, you're going to see that yours is pretty good in comparison. If you
compare your relationship to all that stuff you're imagining that's better,
then you're going to feel like you're in a worse position. What it is is always,
always between better and worse? So, here you are with what it is. What I'm
suggesting is switch your mind to start seeing this relationship as being good.
Look at the ways that you are richly blessed. That there's abundance in your
relationship. What are you grateful for. In fact, focus on that gratitude first.
Now, I'm going to get distracted on positivity because I love to talk about
that. But I promise you 9 principles. Number 2 has to do with values. That's
the why behind a relationship. Why are you in this in the first place? What are
the guiding values that created this relationship in the first place? Remind
yourself of what those are. The third principle is probably pretty obvious.
It's humility and the willingness to change. This is on you. Now, I know that
things would be a lot better if your spouse would just... Right? Yeah. That's true
but it's not helpful. Because as soon as you identify
what your spouse can change, then they get all defensive and that doesn't lead
to anything productive. Focus on yourself and your own humility and willingness to
change. What do you need to change to make this a little better? And probably
you're going to think of several things as you watch this video. Just make note of
that. Notice it. That's going to guide you to your next behavior. Principle number
4 is related to number 3. But it has to do with your willingness to let
the other person change. One of the words we use for this is forgiveness. And that
has all kinds of connotations attached to it. But really, it's the willingness to
let someone else change. So, we don't hold history over their head all the time. Or
we don't insist in our own mind that they're going to continue to be the way
that we've already thought them up to be. Let them change, forgiveness. Now, the next
principle is called respect. Respect. Coming from you, alright? I know that it
would be great if your spouse would respect you more. Yes, that's true. But not
useful. What kind of respect are you willing to practice? Regardless of
whether someone deserves it or not. I was in a group once of juvenile delinquents.
And as I had a conversation with who's this kid in the corner, he's got his hat
on backwards and and he's got this attitude. You know, he didn't want to be
there and "You just tried to teach me something Dr. Paul." And I'm like, "Oh..." And
we're having a conversation about respect. He says, "I respect those who
respect me." And I'm like, "Oh, wow! That's really hard." Like who can't do that?
Here's the challenge. You respect people no matter what? Why? Because they deserve
it? No. Because you are a respectful person. This is about you. And let's quit
blaming other people for all of our problems. This is
one of the biggest things that gets in the way of couples. So, you be a
respectful person no matter what. The next principle is one that we've talked
about a lot. It's love. Now, I'm not talking about all the warm, fuzzy,
romantic feelings. Yes, that's a part of love. But love is a choice and it's a
verb. And a couple come to my office not too long ago. She slips out to take care
of something. He confides in me while she's out of the room. "Doc, I just don't
love her anymore." I'm like, "Well then, love her! Duh!" Because
in my mind, it's a choice. It's how he shows up. It's not about what he feels.
I think the feelings accompany love. But I'm talking about love as a choice. In
some other videos, I've talked about how there's no neutral option here in the
middle. Every interaction we have with another human being is going to fall
either on the love side or the hate side. And I use the word hate because people
hate the word hate. But think about it, if it's not love what is it? And it's either
a little or a lot. But it's going to be on one side or the other. So, I'm saying
choose love always. What if somebody's choosing hate against me? Then it's even
more important. You take responsibility for your own choices and commit to
choose love. The next principle is similar. It's called compassion. But
compassion has to do with kindness also. And when you get to the roots of that
word, it actually has something to do with the willingness to suffer for
something. Passion. Okay? What are you willing to commit to this? How important
is this to you? Especially I have to get past all the mental noise of blaming or
pointing fingers? How important is this to you? Are you willing to suffer a
little bit to make this work? Compassion. Now, I'm not
going to pretend that this is easy. And that's why the next principle is work.
Good old-fashioned hard work. This does not come easily. And everything
worthwhile, I think is a little bit of an uphill climb. Elevation requires effort.
Default is down. Of course it's going to take some work. Be willing to do that. And
then the last one, if we're not having fun, we're doing it wrong. So, the final
principle here to work on as you reestablish trust in this relationship
is wholesome recreational activities. Yeah. Let's have some fun while we're
doing this. I threw in the wholesome part because there's all kinds of
recreational activities out there that are not going to help your relationship
ultimately. So, get clear about the values you know, that we talked about in
principle number 2. Wholesome recreational activities, have some fun
together. And I recommend for couples, for married couples especially that you have
a regular date activity. At least once a week. A regular date. And during this date,
have some fun. Life is to be enjoyed not just endured. And during the date, don't
talk about the problems. You got other times that you can do that. Simply have
some fun. I know that's a lot. But it's also guaranteed .You apply these
principles, you're going to start seeing that trust coming back in. Sometimes, we
need a little help with this. A great resource? Liveonpurpose.coach. Not dot com.
Dot coach. Where we've got Live On Purpose certified coaches that are ready
to assist you if you could use some help.