Hey, have you guys ever done this?
Have you ever gotten a phone call
that was a wrong number and just
for a minute you think maybe this
is the right number
and I have multiple personalities?
I know.
The other day I got a phone call,
"hi, we were calling to see if Mary
"enjoyed her stay at the Bellagio."
And I was like, Mary, went to Vegas.
She has all the fun.
(audience laughing)
The other night I got a phone call
and there were so many numbers
across the front of the screen.
I thought I'd better answer this
because it could be from the future,
turns out
it was a Japanese robocall.
So either I'm being contacted
by Japanese computers in the future
or I just bought a timeshare
in Nagasaki.
(audience laughing)
One of those things happened.
(audience laughing)
So I'm not a good driver,
I hate driving.
I was driving over here
and I changed lanes,
and some guy yelled,
"hey, your blinker wasn't on"
and I yelled, don't worry,
neither are my glasses,
I can't see anything.
I don't know anything about cars.
All I know
is I'm glad they stopped making
that Hummer car.
Yeah, that's a war vehicle.
Folks, if you need a war vehicle
to get around town,
maybe you should
work on your people skills.
And I don't know if I'm supposed
to be afraid of a guy driving
a Hummer because I'm not.
I'm more afraid of a guy driving
a 1990 Geo Metro
because that guy has nothing
to lose.
(audience laughing)
He has no job.
He has no girlfriend.
He has made a big mistake
and is sticking with it.
(audience laughing)
And all I know about cars are
that men are waiting for them
to break down.
They're always checking fluids
and oils and air and women think
cars should run forever.
I'm in complete denial about my car.
People like, "hey, what's that light
"on your dashboard?"
And I'm like, that is for when I'm
too hard on myself,
it reminds me to take a break.
(audience laughing)
And oh, look, the little teapot
came on.
That means we're near a Starbucks.
(audience laughing)
I don't even know what that check
engine light.
That's like guess how many
jellybeans are in the jar.
I have no idea, but I always
pull over and pop the hood like it's
something I'll see right away like,
oh, look a zipper was down.
(audience laughing)
And I was driving a while
and I hit a deer.
How many people
by round of applause
have ever hit a deer when they were
driving?
(audience applauding)
I can't believe how fast it
happened.
Here it is in slow motion, no deer
on the hood, deer on the hood.
That's how it happened.
(audience laughing)
And it wasn't a very smart deer
because it wasn't anywhere
near the deer crossing signs.
(audience laughing)
And if they're not going to put
those up, I don't know if they're
not reading them.
And then someone said to me,
the deer are hypnotized
by the headlights.
And I thought, well, that can't be
true because if you could hypnotize
a deer
some redneck would have a house
full of them doing laundry
and ironing the little skirt.
(audience laughing)
I can't remember anything.
I'm so paranoid all of a sudden.
The other day I was sure the aliens
had implanted a tracking device
in me, but it just turned out
to be a loose Frito in my underwear.
(audience laughing)
So now I have to figure out why
the aliens are putting Fritos
in my underwear.
That's terrifying.
I was at a UFO convention
and this lady comes up to me
and she goes, "you have alien DNA."
And I said, tell me more.
(audience laughing)
And she said, "There's a race
"of aliens there called Paladians.
"They're are peace-loving people
"with smooth skin
"and they're beautiful.
"You're not one of those."
(audience laughing)
Apparently, I'm from Orion.
She said, "actually, you are
"a captain in the Orion
"interplanetary army."
And I said, finally, someone has
taken me seriously.
(audience laughing)
So I immediately called my sister
and said, hey, I just found out
I'm a captain in the Orion
interplanetary army.
And she said, "Orion is
"a constellation, not a planet."
And I said really, that's all you
saw wrong with that statement.
(audience laughing)