- Portland, of course, is a very progressive city.
One that does not spay or neuter it's hippie population.
So there is an overabundance.
Yeah.
Portland is a city where you can find the answer
to the question, "How many didgeridoos do you need
to hear until you want to blow your brains out?"
Anybody know the answer to that one?
It's one. That's right, it's one.
It's one didgeridoo.
So I've had some weird experiences in Portland.
Last time I was there, I was hanging out with a friend.
He introduced me to his friend,
introductions are always weird for me
because my name is Hari, and it's constantly mispronounced.
Hurry, Harry, right? Different ways to screw it up.
And it leads to these awkward conversations.
So this guy asked me what my name was,
I told him, my name is Hari.
"Hurry?" "No, it's Hari."
"Harry?" I'm like,
"Look, I don't wanna play this game right now, okay, just
make eye contact, say something close,
I'll know you're talking to me."
And he got really upset about this.
"No, I want to get your name right, okay?
It's important that I get your name right.
'Cause people get my name wrong all the time
and I'm sick of it."
I'm like, "All right man, what's your name?"
"My name is Deyf."
"Wait, did you just say your name was Dave?"
"No, not Dave. My name is Deyf."
And so I hugged him.
Yeah, I did. (audience cheers)
Here was a man who could relate to my secret pain.
And after our embrace, I asked him,
"Friend, why did your parents name you Deyf?"
And he said, "Well, they didn't. They named me Dave.
But last year I legally changed it to Deyf.
It's spelled D E Y F."
(audience laughs)
No. That is not my problem.
That is a much different problem.
That is a much larger problem.
That is clearly a Portland, Oregon based problem.
Don't pretend! (audience cheers)
So, as I was exiting my apartment this evening,
I saw parked out in front a hybrid Escalade.
A hybrid Escalade.
Come to terms with that reality.
What kind of people are buying a hybrid Escalade?
Well, you see I'm an environmentalist
and my husband's a (beep) douchebag.
(audience laughs)
And this is how we compromise
to keep our sham marriage alive.
(audience cheers)
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, man.
I don't know how much people are willing
to concede to save the planet.
Like recently there was a story about SunChips right?
SunChips had biodegradable bags.
Amazing, right?
Like corporate responsibility.
It shows that they want to save the planet. Fantastic.
But then people started complaining
that the bags were too noisy.
So then they got rid of the biodegradable bags.
Do you know what else makes a lot of noise?
The end of the world.
What the hell is wrong with everybody?
(audience applauds)
I don't know.
I was on a plane recently,
I was reading the in-flight magazine.
The in-flight magazine for that particular trip
was an environmental issue.
Yeah, I was reading about the environment
while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.
So I'm clearly cynical, but I'm bored.
So I'm reading the first article.
The first article is called "Top 10 Endangered Places."
Here's the first sentence.
"Climate change and tourism are threatening
to destroy these natural wonders."
Okay. I'm kind of surprised here.
Clearly tourism is in the best interest
of the airline industry.
Yeah, way to go, man.
Some responsibility airline.
But then I read rest of the sentence.
"Climate change and tourism are threatening
to destroy these natural wonders,
so you might want to plan a trip now
before these sites are gone for good."
(audience laughs)
We're screwed.
We're screwed because some corporations are treating
the planet like we're in second semester, senior year.
It's almost over, (beep) it.