Translator: Peter van de Ven Reviewer: Mile Živković
You cannot date until you get married.
Yeah, that was the only dating advice
that I got for my very strict immigrant Nigerian parents
when at 16, I asked them if I could date like all my other American friends.
And all I got back was:
"Yvonne, you cannot date until you get married."
What does that even mean, guys?
Guys ...
How can I get married if I never date?
And more importantly, how can I have sex if I never date?
But what my father managed to do in that very short sentence,
other than utterly confuse me,
is instill the fear of God and his belt in my life.
So I decided, you know what, when I turn 18, I'm gonna be an adult.
Okay? I'm going to be an adult.
And I can make adult decisions, and I don't need permission to date
because I'm going to be 18.
Also, when I turn 18, I'm going to get married.
I'm going to have sex.
Yep, that's what I'll do, I'm gonna have sex when I turn 18.
I had it all planned out, y'all.
I was going to have rosepetals,
I was going to have candles,
a waterbed, if I was lucky,
and Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" was going to be playing in the background.
Yes!
Because "Love & Basketball" is my favorite movie.
(Laughter)
But when I got to high school, all the girls kind of crushed my dreams.
They were, like, "Um, Yvonne,
your expectations are way too high for your first time.
You should be lucky if you get the back seat of some guy's car,
or the basement apartment in some dude's mama's house."
What? Do you see my face?
That was not the will of Jesus for my life.
That was not going to be what I told my daughter about my majestic first time.
So I waited. I was like, "I can wait." I waited it out, and sure -
Because I was never one to buckle under peer pressure,
but year after year, I slowly realized
that I was becoming the only member of the V-club.
That's cool.
That's cool because by my senior year, I hadn't even identified my accomplice.
That's right!
He was a black and Puertorican papi:
"Hola mija, tú eres latino. Pero tú sabes ..."
(Laughter)
He was a freak, too!
I was, like, "Look at Jesus; he cometh to."
(Laughter)
I was, like, this wait is going to be worth it.
And I told him the game, and I was checking, alright, I'm 17.
Okay, I got a couple more months to my 18th birthday; it's going down.
Candles,
water bed,
(Laughter)
rose petals ...
Like, I laid it down. I thought he was down for the count.
I thought he was down for it.
Until my freshman year of college,
17 with about three or four months left to go to my 18th birthday,
and I realized that there were other girls
who did not have the same timeline as I did.
And they projected their offer to him,
and he and he took them up on their offer.
And that's cool, because I said, "You know what, Yvonne?
You are in college;
I am sure there's a pretty young thing who has work study,
so he can afford these rose petals that you're looking for,
and whose roommate goes home on the weekends,
so you can get your set of sheets girl.
And then, life has a funny way of interrupting your plans
because one faithful Thursday,
a friend of mine invited me to a campus Bible study.
You know, I love Jesus; he cool, why not?
Let's go.
I got to the Bible study, and there was this beautiful minister,
she was a med student,
and she talked about how she was 25 and waiting until marriage to have sex.
Hold up. What? Time out. Jesus, what happened? Who hurt her?
I don't understand.
Why would anybody do this? This is unacceptable.
Mmm, what?
I'm not here for this. This is not why I came.
(Laughter)
And I sat there with my arms crossed, like,
"This? No. I don't ... This is not the will of Jesus for my life."
And as I listened, though,
she talked about just how much God was so important to her,
and he had done so much for her
that this ask was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
I was, like, "Okay, what else you got?"
And then she kept talking,
and her passion for Christ was really intriguing
because she called God "daddy."
I've never had heard anybody call him "daddy."
Like, that was very intimate and very personal.
So I found myself going like this, to like this.
And by the time I knew it, y'all, I've been bamboozled by Jesus.
(Laughter)
I got saved at 17.
I told him I was going to wait till 18, and he swooped in at 17, and now:
33.
Still waiting; we are still waiting.
It's all good, though.
I don't mind the wait -
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheers)
I don't mind the wait, but my parents are singing a different tune now.
(Laughter)
When I remind them of their once sound dating advice,
what I get back is:
"Yvonne, time waits for nobody.
You are no longer a spring chicken; you are ripe for marriage."
'Ripe,' that's what they call me, guys. Like I'm a mango.
(Laughter)
I love this other one:
"Yvonne, I went to church today, and I lit five candles for you.
Yes, maybe Jesus will see one of them
(Laughter)
and send you a husband."
So who needs Tinder?
You've got a candle lighting African mama.
Okay. (Laughter)
That's how this game works.
But I don't really - I don't mind the wait.
Because, here's the thing about it, like, I joke around a lot,
but what the wait does is weed out the riff-raffs.
A lot of people think the wait is actually keeping me from my prince charming,
but what the wait actually does is keep me away from these dudes:
"But what do you mean by commitment, though. Like, commitment commitment?"
Yeah, I don't have time for the foolishness, y'all.
And so, for me, if you ask do I want to have sex? Of course I do!
Like today, like right now, if you're here, like, let me know ...
(Laughter)
But that's just a short comfort, right?
And sometimes you've got to sacrifice short term comforts
to get long-term quality relationships that I want.
Yeah, that's my face, that's the short term comfort look.
Like, it ain't always sexy, y'all, but it is sexy.
And so ...
So for me right now at 33,
the wait is powerful, it's discipline, it's focus,
it keeps the main thing the main thing.
And I know some of you are all listening, like,
"Boy, Yvonne, this sounds really good,
however, I'm not about this way into marriage life.
Umm, so ... you got anything else for me?"
I do, I do. I'm not here trying to sell to you, "Oh, wait for marriage."
My 17-year-old self is right there with you, like,
"Please stop talking right now, please."
But here are some things
that I do feel that you can wait for in a relationship.
I feel like every relationship has things that are important that you can wait for.
And so, I'm going to give you five things.
One, wait on the person who sees you for you
and loves you regardless.
Because here's the real:
(whispers) we've all got issues, y'all.
Like I don't think I had issues, I mean, look at me. Ha!
I'm amazing ...
(Laughter)
On the surface, there was no, like, seven-year relationship that left me hurt,
drinking red wine on a Thursday, and eating popcorn like Olivia Pope,
but we have issues.
And it wasn't until a fight with a friend of mine
that let me know, like,
I've got some some deep childhood issues that I don't even know about.
That's the thing about wounds:
you don't know you have them until they're scratched,
and then you realize the scab is still fresh.
So, I had to dig deep, I had to dig deep, and I had to unearth some ugly.
But I believe that there is somebody that is willing to get ugly with you,
down in the mud, and work on getting healed,
his own healing or her own healing, on your own journey to getting healed.
So y'all can do it together.
Don't judge somebody else's process because you're in a process as well.
Number two, wait on the one who sees value in what you value.
When you meet me, you know three things off the bat:
I love to laugh; I love being Nigerian - my people, where are you, there?
(Cheers)
and I love Jesus.
If you spent a bit more time with me,
you know I'm a giver, I'm a connector of people,
I'm an encourager.
I went on a date one time with this guy
who was, like, "Yvonne, I just think that,
in every relationship we need to compromise."
Okay, I can compromise
on what movie we see in the movie theater, y'all.
I can compromise on whether or not we eat Chinese or Indian, today.
But a core value ...
What are we talking about?
I'm not talking about, like, y'all,
this dude likes Snickers bars and I like Babe Ruth, that's not it.
Okay? I'm talking core values.
And I looked at him and I said-
and of course that was his sales pitch to get me to try and sleep with him -
and I said, "Babe,
it's cool if we don't value the same things;
we're just not gonna make it."
See, I don't get mad if somebody doesn't like me for me,
you're just not the one for me.
(Applause)
Number three, wait on purpose and not in fear.
We all know the divorce rate in America is 50%,
and then you throw in the retention rate in colleges,
and then black women - the incarceration rate in black men,
and blah blah blah blah blah ...
It's all set in fear;
it's all set to make you feel like, "You ain't never gonna make it, boo."
(Laughter)
But I don't subscribe to that. Because, what is fear?
And guys, you guys get it too; you guys get: these girls ain't loyal ....
Really? Are we not?
Are we not?
I don't subscribe to fear because what is fear?
F.E.A.R. is False Evidence Appearing Real.
That's what that is; it's not real.
I believe in faith.
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
One deals in the negative, another one deals in the positive.
I choose to look for the positive.
And here's the thing, Jay-Z says, "Men lie, women lie, numbers don't."
That's cool. You can have your numbers;
I've got a different set of numbers: 7.5 billion!
That's how many people are on planet Earth.
7.5 billion.
You mean to tell me that with 7.5 billion,
there is one dude - one dude has to have my name on him.
Okay, I don't know where he at;
I may not have even traveled to where he's from.
Show of hands: has anybody ever here been to Wichita, Kansas?
Exactly. My boo might be in Wichita, Kansas.
(Laughter)
Y'all know?
And we're not even - we're just dealing with one state.
Has anyone been to every county in ...
in Pennsylvania, or in Maryland, or -
No!
So there's a whole wide world out there,
and we're not even factoring in international -
Who's been to New Zealand?
Exactly! Go to New Zealand.
Your boo may be waiting for you in seat 32b;
that's all I'm trying to tell you.
So, tickets to Wichita, Kansas, just went up.
You're welcome.
(Laughter)
Number four, wait on the one who makes you a priority.
We've all heard it said
that people make time for what's important to them,
and I believe that.
Late last year I was getting to know this guy,
he started off really good; they all do.
(Laughter)
Started off really good,
I felt like we had a really good connection,
and after a while, I realized that my communication
was not getting reciprocated at the same rate that I desired.
So I take a step back because, again, I don't have to beg anybody to like me,
because I like me.
So I just wanted to show you -
This was our last text message because this is what I do,
I use you as a reference on my TEDTalk.
January 4th, he says, "Can I call you later?"
I say, "Yeah, sure."
January 22nd?
(Laughter)
We're going to wait 18 days?
And then he says,
"It's not because of negligence, because you've surely been on my mind."
I don't need anybody thinking about me.
I don't need anybody thinking about me without actions.
Because here's what I think about. I think about cleaning my room; I do.
Um, phew!
Here's what I don't do, I don't clean my room.
Here's who's not impressed with me thinking about them:
my dirty floors, okay?
So I don't, I don't -
I'm happy that you thought about me,
but without follow-through we're not gonna make it.
And my angel says, when people show you who they are, believe them.
So, I appreciate your effort,
but clearly I'm not a priority in your life,
and that's cool because I believe that there is somebody
who make me and keep me their priority and bring balance in your life.
(Applause)
Furthermore, you're waiting 18 days to get back to me,
but your Instagram is poppin'!
(Laughter)
Why, your snapchat is lit,
but the same phone, you're double tapping, and you can't call me?
Cool, cool, cool.
(Laughter)
So, let's not excuse unexcusable behavior;
you are a priority,
and you're worth somebody who will put you at the top of their list.
Now, that's not to be mistaken for being ridiculous,
and wanting somebody to capitalize somebody's time.
You have to have balance and have a well-rounded life yourself.
Number five, wait on the one who meets your standards.
Here's the thing about standards.
They're yours.
They're yours to set as high or as low -
A lot of times when you hear single women, you hear this said about them:
"Maybe you're still single because your standards are way too high."
I don't know who talks like that, but that's just in my mind.
(Laughter)
Or "Maybe you're sitting over here because you're just so picky."
So?
Standards are yours to set as high or as low -
and sometimes people who can't meet your standards
feel the need to diminish them.
When I was in high school
and told my friends that my first time I wanted rose petals and candles,
and they told me that no one's gonna meet that.
Yeah, of course, no 15-year-old who's unemployed and emotionally underdeveloped
is going to meet that,
(Laughter)
but I'm not looking to be with a 15-year-old.
That's okay.
So you have to know your own standards, and you have to set them for yourself.
I play a character named Molly, on HBO, Insecure -
(Cheers)
thank you -
and she's been accused of being real bad and boujee,
being accused of being a little shallow,
because she said she didn't want to be
with another character who didn't go to college.
And she's a corporate attorney.
Hey, listen, that's your prerogative.
I just don't think that it's fair to tell someone
that they can't have the preferences that they want.
If they choose to have different preferences, that's okay too.
That's the beauty of life: we have choices.
So, as long as you're ordering off a menu
that you can also prepare with your own ingredients,
knock yourself out, boo.
But what I will say is,
I can't tell you how long you're gonna have to wait
for this majestic perfect relationship,
but I can tell you that the wait does not disappoint.
Remember the minister that I met when she was 25?
Well, at 34 she got married to that handsome young man,
and he's 6 4', holds an MBA, works in corporate America,
they have two lovely babies,
and at 40, she's expecting her third.
So, the wait doesn't disappoint.
So whoever you are that's in here that's holding on to hope,
I say hope against all hope.
And fight the good fight, run the race, and keep the faith.
It is worth it, and it is sexy.
(Cheers) (Applause)