Despite the MCU's raging success at adapting their library of comic book stories to film,
not every one of their storylines is well-suited to the silver screen.
Some stories are too violent.
Some are simply too controversial, or carry unsettling undertones.
And a few are just too dang weird for a mainstream movie studio.
Whatever the cause, don't expect to see these tales unfold in the theater until everyone's
run entirely out of ideas—and even then, don't hold your breath.
The Ultimates
The Avengers borrows a lot from The Ultimates: superheroes bickering among themselves, the
Hulk going on a rampage, and a largescale alien invasion forcing the team to put their
differences aside and come together to save the Earth are all part of the iconic story.
And then there's the fact that MCU Nick Fury is a dead-on duplicate of Ultimate Nick Fury.
So far, so good… but that's about as adaptable as the Ultimates saga gets.
The Ultimates presents a very cynical view of superheroes.
Ultimate Captain America is a xenophobe.
Ultimate Hank Pym brutally beats his wife.
Ultimate Hulk just straight-up eats people.
Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver—brother and sister—are lovers.
Things reach an insane crescendo when the X-Men villain the Blob eats the Wasp, and
Hank Pym responds in kind, using his size-changing abilities to get revenge by biting Blob's
head off.
Most of the X-Men perish, Thing crushes Doctor Doom's head with his bare hands, and Manhattan
is more or less annihilated.
It goes without saying that the whole story is too dour for mainstream Marvel to put on
the screen.
People like to root for their heroes; The Ultimates makes that more or less impossible.
Secret Empire
You might've heard about the controversial premise of Secret Empire, even if you're not
a comic reader.
Yeah, that's right: this is the comic that makes Captain America a Nazi.
So, technically Cap was a sleeper agent for HYDRA… except he wasn't really, thanks to
Red Skull and some Cosmic Cube stuff.
But despite Marvel's claims, that doesn't really make anything better... the basic story
is Steve Rogers infiltrates SHIELD, reveals his true nature, and conquers America in HYDRA's
name.
Isn't that uplifting?
Even if HYDRA-Cap isn't a Nazi by name, the parallels are too strong to ignore.
Because, you know, HYDRA is basically Nazis.
Hail HYDRA
We've already had two HYDRA-fueled takeovers of America in the MCU already, a third - led
by Nazi Cap - it's pretty unlikely.
These days, real-life Nazis—some of whom proudly wear Captain America's gear—are
an actual problem.
Because of this, Secret Empire received plenty of criticism from the comic book community.
Marvel's not going to court that kind of controversy by repeating the plot in theaters, and won't
risk tainting one of its most popular characters for a stunt.
Count on it.
Sins Past
The Green Goblin might be Spider-Man's arch-nemesis, but don't expect Norman Osborn to grace theater
screens any time soon.
For the Goblin's diehard fans, that's bad news, but there's one silver lining.
Norman's absence means there's no way that Spider-Man's "Sins Past" story arc will ever
get a big-screen adaptation, and that's very, very good.
"Sins Past" sees Peter Parker's girlfriend Gwen Stacy have a brief fling with Norman,
the guy who eventually ends her life, while vacationing in France.
As a result of the encounter, Gwen gives birth to twins.
It's not only the age difference between Gwen and Norman that makes the story so bad.
It's not only that Mary Jane knew about the affair and didn't tell Peter until the twins
appear at his door.
No, it's that in the follow-up storyline, "Sins Remembered," Peter makes out with one
of the twins because she kind of looks like Gwen.
Kissing the daughter of your long-lost love and number one villain while you're married
to someone else?
That's bad.
Comic book readers didn't tolerate it, and eventually, the whole affair was retconned
out of existence.
Chances are, movie audiences wouldn't tolerate it, either.
Thor: Vikings
Not even Chris Hemsworth's dreamy smile and strong sense of humor could make Thor: Vikings
work onscreen.
As this dark superhero adventure reminds us, the ancient Norsemen weren't wisecracking
swashbucklers like Thor and his comrades.
They were hardened warriors with a mean streak a mile long, which Thor: Vikings revels in.
This is the comic that opens with a Viking horde razing a Norwegian village, and then
sends the invaders to modern day New York, where they pillage and slay their way through
Manhattan as undead conquerors.
They drive a spear through the mayor on live television.
They block the streets with piles of severed heads.
Even Thor has trouble stopping them, especially after they snap both of the thunder god's
arms, chain his hammer to his neck, and chuck him into the Hudson river.
The differences between the violent, unforgiving nature of real-life Vikings and colorful,
successful fare like Thor: Ragnarok are too great.
Even if it weren't, Thor: Vikings is just too violent for mainstream moviegoers.
Even dedicated gore-hounds might find some of the gruesome antics stomach-turning.
"That's a nice way of putting it."
Deadpool: Killustrated
Deadpool isn't an entirely bad guy, but he's also got no problem with violence.
He's a mercenary in a world full of supervillains, so sometimes, gore is going to happen.
It's just part of the job.
That's why he's so popular.
But there's still a line, and Deadpool's been known to cross it.
Not only has he obliterated every hero in the Marvel Universe—twice—but in Deadpool:
Killustrated, the Merc with a Mouth hunts down characters from pieces of classic literature.
And yeah, it's kind of funny to watch Wade Wilson scoop out Don Quixote's eyeballs, spread
Tom Sawyer's blood all over the boy's newly painted fence, and torch Dracula.
It's also very, very dark, even for Deadpool.
On the page, Deadpool's violence doesn't seem any worse than a particularly depraved cartoon.
Translate that story into live action, however, and the murder of everyone in The Jungle Book
would be positively traumatic.
JLA/Avengers
The Avengers proved that superhero crossovers could work just as well in theaters as they
do in comic shops.
But, these days, interconnected superhero universes are old news.
In fact, there's only one big superhero crossover left to do, but it'll never happen.
Letting DC and Marvel characters share the same screen would be like the USS Enterprise
dogfighting with the Millennium Falcon.
The corporate overlords at Disney and Warner Bros. won't ever agree to it, even if fans
would literally rip off their own arms to see it happen.
That's a shame, too, because comic books have already given both studios the perfect template
for a blockbuster.
JLA/Avengers tells the story of an epic clash between Earth's mightiest heroes and the League,
who duke it out before teaming up to stop a timeless evil.
JLA/Avengers could be the superhero movie to end all superhero movies.
But it won't be.
Not only would the rights be a nightmare to untangle, but after a team-up like that, there's
nowhere to go but down.
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