so today is a little bit of an unusual
film because we're not just a YouTube
channel we're also a real-life physical
place in London this is the School of
Life
I'm Alain de Botton I'm the creator of
the channel and I'm also the voice
behind the channel and what we're going
to be doing today is meeting some of the
people who work at the School of Life in
one person in particular so just come
with me and we're going to go into our
first variety of things so products that
we make ourselves got books cards bags
do people come in here with our top news
to people they do yes we get a variety
of things as well so we have a lot of
people coming in into making of dice so
cool you're making something about
relationships you're making all sorts of
green stuff anyway we're here to meet a
very special person we're gonna meet the
head of psychotherapy at School of Life
who's called Charlotte Fox Webber let's
go
so I'm incredibly pleased to have
finally tracked down one of the most
important people at the School of Life
who's called charlotte fox weather and
she heads up the psyctherapy division
and she's incredibly busy she's
overseeing a team that seed people from
all over the world who have
psychotherapy so look there's so many
things that I want to ask you because
therapy is this thing that we've got
lots of fantasies about fears about most
of us don't even know what it is so I'm
just gonna ask some really basic
questions what is the point of having
therapy I think that psychotherapy helps
you have insight about your life that's
very broad answer but it gives you a
sense of yourself and others and almost
anyone can benefit at a certain point in
life to find out more to understand more
how can you just sort of talk to a
stranger about such private things I
mean isn't it normal to say look I don't
know you very well why would I ever tell
you anything that you know some of my
best friends wouldn't know because
unfortunately we can't always tell our
best friends every dark ugly part of
ourselves so I can talk about the things
that are important to me and then you'll
respond you're there for me absolutely
and it's really up to you to decide
where you want to go so people can go at
different paces and it's customized
every therapeutic relationship is going
to be different in that sense some
people come to talk about a work issue
some people come to talk about a
mother-in-law and how long am I gonna
have to do therapy focuses it's
relatively expensive let's not you know
kid ourselves
um how long might I need therapy for me
could it be the beginning of like a 20
year process and lots and lots of money
every week how much of my uniform again
there is freewill in the setup and I
think that's always a really essential
point that you're not gonna be forced
into something you absolutely don't want
to do so you could decide that you want
a handful of sessions you could say that
you want to work on a specific issue and
you would like to work for three months
you could also say that you're not sure
and you and your therapist might decide
to allow it to be open-ended
and what is special about the school of
life psychotherapy division because
there's lots of people all over the
world offering psychotherapy why would
you go to the School of Life why are you
go to see you and your team you've got a
lot of people what's special about them
well if life allows for a kind of
open-mindedness it is about
psychotherapy but it's also about how
psychotherapy can improve your life and
I think that that's an essential
integration I think a lot of
psychotherapists are are just was
somewhat removed from the rest of
existence and the School of Life brings
it into art brings it into culture
brings it into society and it's very
very relatable and I think everyone on
the team has that kind of philosophy of
being real people as well as being
professionals it's funny you mention
really because therapists do have a
reputation for being quite weird I guess
so
it's it's a it's a sort of profession
where you expect some weirdos are you
weird
how are you weird are you weird I think
that I am weird in a somewhat relatable
normal life weird weird yeah okay but
but you know what I mean about it there
of course what is it about them that I
said little heavy we're incredibly
awkward one thing and I think that also
it starts with the word psycho the
rapist yeah I I think that we end up
being so rigidly bound read that we can
be somewhat austere and that's that's a
problem it goes back to Freud in the
blank screen even though Freud himself
had quite a kind of right patient
screaming what's that tabula rasa is the
concept of just being completely neutral
that where the analyst doesn't speak to
free up so you're supposed and you you
become quite elusive and strange right
and therapists historically are not
supposed to disclose anything about
themselves because that's what was
supposed to set it apart from any other
social relationship so you know your
friends but your therapist yeah they're
like a mirror you don't necessarily know
if your therapist has children is
married what their story
but you let out a little bit of that so
at the School of Life we actually have a
somewhat personal touch so tell me about
if I had such therapy what might I
expect with what kind of progress might
I expect in relation to certain problems
let's imagine that I don't know I had
panic attacks you know I was prone to
panic attacks and I went to therapy what
might happen over you know some
treatment we would look at the genesis
of your panic attacks we would try to
find out why you were having these panic
attacks what it was about where the
anxiety begins and what kind of
situations bring it on and there would
be coping mechanisms that you could
begin to apply immediately and I think
that's a very treatable issue is
everything treatable a lot of things
ultimately it all ends in death but I
think oh that's cheerful I think that's
very consoling actually so it's
treatable in the sense that we can live
with difficulties and things can
absolutely improve I think relationships
can improve I think that's always a kind
of so let's imagine I came to China and
I was in a relationship and there was a
lot of squabbling and low-level sarcasm
and you know maybe sex wasn't so good it
said - what what would you do with me if
that was the presenting problem I would
want to understand what drew you to that
person in the first place what the
relationship was like at the best of
times I also and this will sound kind of
dark but I always want to find out what
you're like it your very worst right Wow
what kind of what I would say and again
that probably sets it apart from any
other relationship where you try to show
your best self to your friends not that
it always goes that way but in a way in
therapy you you can show your worst self
and you can survive it and I think that
in itself is quite encouraging and what
about if I had a really hard time
meeting anyone if I came to you and I
said you know I just can't find anyone I
can't start a relationship I can't make
anything well what might you how might
we go with that I would wonder why your
self-esteem was so low
and I would see it as a sign of view
under estimating your worth if you think
that you're not you're not appealing
enough to find someone is it natural
that anyone could appeal to anyone else
or someone else I think relationships
are are possible for everyone it that
doesn't mean it has to be a prosaic
format of a man and woman together by
any means I think that relationships can
can take so many forms but it's possible
to be in a relationship for absolutely
anyone and that often starts with a
therapeutic relationship for people who
feel intensely lonely what so with a
therapist you you start to make a friend
it's not a friendship but it is a
relationship and it's bound read
relationship but it's still it's still
very real and it's still a kind of
experience of relating to another human
being
so in that sense in a way therapy is
like a laboratory for testing out ways
of operating in the world you can then
take a lot of those skills from the
therapy setting into your life what
about if you're feeling lost in your
career you you know you feel like I
don't know you know you haven't found
your path again most people go through
that if they're if they're really alert
to those kind of struggles it's it's
very normal to have those kind of
challenging thoughts about what you're
doing with your life and we don't have
enough help with that what about parents
right because many of us is struggling
with the legacy of pre challenging
parents in one way or another
maybe they loved us too much and didn't
leave us any kind of oxygen to make our
own mistakes or maybe they loved us not
enough and left us feeling inadequate or
whatever tell me about some of the
stories that you've lived through in
therapy with you know around the whole
business of parents this is where so
many people will say I don't want to
have to do that thing of talking about
my parents it doesn't all go back and
actually it's not that you have to
repeat how you were brought up yeah but
inevitably the relationship you have
with your parents
is the first kind of template for how
you relate to other human beings and
it's gonna have an impact it has less of
an impact if you're aware of it if you
if you become conscious of how your
parents influence you then you are free
to make your own decisions in
relationships I think if you if you had
a mother who made you feel horrible
about yourself it's going to have an
influence if you just carry on picking
women who make you feel horrible about
yourself or you try to do the same thing
often people try to repair their earlier
relationships through their adult
relationships so what do people do when
they've been inadequately parented what
kind of things what kind of tracks they
fall into often people will have
difficulty committing or they will
overly idealize and get overly attached
very quickly they will be looking for
some kind of perfect solution to solve
the problem of not feeling loved enough
by a parent or they will try to find
some fantasy of what a relationship
should look like and it turns out not to
be reality are you a believer that
people can turn their lives around that
the huge transformation is possible
absolutely and not just a believer
because I have some kind of abstract
faith but because I see it all the time
so what have you seen tell me tell me
some stories where people have come in
you know in one kind of form and then
you manage to do some work and it being
changed obviously not not naming names
but what what kind of stories have you
seen I I have found that people who have
psychosexual issues a terrible term
because psychosexual just sounds awful
but most people have psychosexual
struggles at one time or another it
could just be little dips it could be it
could be a full-on issue like vaginismus
which is a terrible term but a very real
thing where sex isn't possible and
that's that's an issue where I have seen
so much improvement so a woman who came
to me who had been married for ten years
who had never consummated her marriage
and through our work together she was
able to then go on to have children and
she had felt so intensely isolated so
ashamed so alone so hopeless and
by her problem that she didn't even know
where to go or how to get help and often
when people are really struggling with
sexual problems they are so so isolated
dealing with it that they they don't
necessarily know that it's possible for
things to be better so if I'm interested
in therapy what do I do next I call up
the School of Life and I come to meet
you or what I mean are you gonna be the
person that I would see if you're
interested then we recommend that you
book a consultation session which you
can do online and we can offer you at an
initial session where you're not going
to be obligated to have some endless
course of therapy sessions but you can
have a 15-minute conversation and find
out what it's all about and then what
happens there that goes well and you
want more what what happens then
so when you have that initial session
you will see what it's like to be in the
room with one of the therapists from our
team and that could also be online so we
see people around the world literally
what you fire up Skype and then there
you are we use Skype we also use oome
which can have a real connection and
more reliable and we we work with people
around the world and literally what kind
of places in Saudi Arabia in America in
Australia in twin and I does not really
work I mean to you you're talking to you
on camera and then it works incredibly I
mean in a way and this may sound a
little bit grandiose it's psychotherapy
Without Borders and there's an
incredible connection that's possible
that transcends geography very often one
of the things that holds us back from
going to therapy is the sense that you
don't have enough time that even the
commute to get to your therapist would
be too long or you end up settling on
having a psychotherapist who doesn't
quite get you because that therapist is
nearby and you've got a lot of
therapists working with you in the team
what happens if you like one therapist
or don't like one Terezin you want
another one is it okay can I is the
customer kind of they can choose how
does that work I think it's always
essential to have an alliance with your
therapist the thing I recommend most is
that you have some personal connection
that doesn't mean that you have to
connect magically where it goes smoothly
every moment but there should be a sense
that you feel understood that it's
possible to feel understood if you don't
have that rapport you can try again
Charlotte it's been so fascinating
talking to you and look I guess the
important thing is if any of you've been
listening interested in therapy either
our own therapy or just therapy more
generally do you look a little bit a
little bit closer at well we've got a
link coming up here just click on that
link that'll take you to our therapy
pages that'll tell you more about what
therapy is and if you're tempted you may
want to take it further
you